Are you okay?
Are you alright?
Photo by Schryver Photography
No I am not.
But you are always smiling.
I see you singing and dancing and doing messy play.
You scrub up well for the school run.
You still go to all the same toddler classes.
I do all of those things and you will notice that not one of them is for me.
You have your friends come round to play.
You laugh and smile with your family.
Your buying new things all the time.
You blog about holidays and great days out.
I do all of these things to keep busy and to give my living children the best life I can.
You organised a massive charity event.
You were in the midst of celebrations.
Your always busy with this or the other.
You must be alright.
Be okay.
Picture by Schryver Photography
What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to say?
Will you listen if I really try to tell you the truth?
That I am terrified of going to be bed at night.
That I am scared of my dreams.
That I hate waking up in the morning.
Knowing that I have to try and fill another day.
That when my children sleep in longer than they should
I convince myself that they’re dead.
That I hate being on my own.
I feel like my head is about to explode.
I crave quiet yet silence scares me.
Do you want me to tell you how sick I feel inside?
How much I hate everything about myself and everything I do
How nothing ever feels good enough anymore?
How I dread the people closest to me telling me that they are going to have a baby.
How I worry that one day someone I know is going to be born on the 2nd Feb or the 2nd May.
How that baby would be a baby I will never meet.
Irrational fears and worries
Things I cannot control
Things I should not care about.
How I hate hearing anything about a first birthday.
Even the baby of family and friends.
And then how I despise myself for being such a RUBBISH friend.
How I am terrified of falling pregnant.
Even more terrified of never holding a baby again.
Do you want to know how I am constantly split
Between real life and a world where my baby is
How I am always thinking of what she should be doing right now?
How my faith is being challenged every single day?
Why was my baby taken?
What God would do that and why?
And if there is some reason then where is she now and why can I not know for certain we will be together one day.
Shall I tell you how I cannot go shopping
Because all I see is pink and purple
And clothes just made for Matilda Mae
How when Esther and William are being toddlers
I want to scream at them they should be grateful to be alive!
No you do not want to know any of that.
You do not want to hear any of that.
So I smile
And I answer
Yeah, I’m okay. Bit tired.
Just a bit tired, that’s all.
Silence
Picture by Schryver Photography
Love and hugs to you Jennie. Keep talking. Keep telling it how it is. The people who matter will be able to take it xxxxx
Jennie – you need not explain yourself….. I can see it in your face – just be……… those that really care will be with you always. Step by step…… taking good care of yourself as you are travelling on an absolutely horrendous path & i wish it wasn’t so with all of my heart xxx just be xxx
Such heartfelt words and spoken so honestly. Life is rubbish noone can expect you to be ok and those that question anything you do are not worth a thing
Sending love hugs and a listening ear any time you want.
Keep talking keep writing and we will all be right there beside you.
Of course you are not ok – how can you be? Who would be? But you are selfless. You are strong. You are courageous. You are carrying on for the sake of your twins. All of your fears and thoughts and worries are perfectly understandable. I don’t know what else to say. I just hope that in time, the pain will ease somewhat and become less raw for you and your ‘new normal’ is easier. xx
Don’t be anything but what and who you are. Don’t feel anything but what you feel. Those who care will stay and help shoulder your burden. They will sit with you. They will wait for you. They will walk this journey with you at your pace. They won’t expect you to have moved on, feel happy all the time etc. They will understand you are grieving. Grieve for grieve you must. This is not a time for you to be all things to all people just to keep them happy. This is a time for you to nurture yourself and your children; a time to ask God the big questions, the hard questions and wait for his answer. He is big enough to handle the fears, the anger, the hurt. it’s messy, it’s hard. Some people won’t be able to handle it, let them go; those who care will. Love and prayers.xxx
This post breaks ny heart. I don’t want to hear you say you’re fine because I know you are not. How can you be? For so long I have wondered why you are not a seething mass of rage. Why you aren’t asking WHY ME? It is so so unfair and to even get out of bed is a massive achievement. I hate that you feel u have to pretend. We all know your soul has been crushed and you are now a different you. You don’t have to pretend for me. I can’t wait to see you for a big hug and a good cry.
xxxx
A smile can hide a million feelings Jennie and that’s what we as mothers do best. Smile and pretend everythings ok-even when that is very far from the truth. Life will never ever be the same again for your family but your are doing such an AMAZING job of giving Esther and William the most fantastic opportunities to develop into happy children every day and remember their beautiful sister in as many positive ways that are possible. We are all here for you to listen and vent at once E and W go to bed each night and you can take time to let the happy smile you have to put on for them drop for a while. This is all SO UNFAIR and if any of us could change things so that MM was here again then we would do it in an instant! Lots of love and thoughts with you always xxx
Sadly, I completely understand how you feel. I always worried that people thought I was hard because I didn’t do public crying. They never saw me cry myself to sleep. I stand up in public, as you do, and tell my story. People say how brave I am, they don’t see the nerves or the fact that I am crying inside.
I can’t offer you any false promises Jennie what but I will say is, those feelings will not go away, they will just become easier to deal with. It does get easier.
Louise
xx
You never never have to pretend to be OK with me. I know you’re not OK. I can see it in your face however hard you try to cover it with a smile. I ask you how you are, not because I want to hear you pretend, but so that if it helps, you really can let it out and tell me how rubbish you’re feeling. So that if you just need to have a hug and a cry, you can.
I know S’s birthday was one of the ones that was extra hard on you, but at no point did I ever think you were a rubbish friend for finding it painful. I just hate that it hurts you so much.
Yes, I will listen if you really try to tell me the truth. I might cry with you, but I will listen.
xx
xxxxxxx
You know I’m always here for you to say ‘No, I feel like crap and I’m so God-damned angry!’. Always. You don’t need to be polite, but you always are. You don’t need to think of others, but you always do. You don’t need to say ‘yes’, you can say ‘no, but not much I can do about it.’ I wish I could help you, I think I’ve been a bit of a rubbish friend 🙁
Of course you are not alright. I see no way in the world that you could be. I send love and support and I write these comments and I send you tweets because its the only tiny thing I can do. And I know it makes not one bit of difference at all. But I hope that it cannot make a terrible, terrible situation any worse – to know that so many of us want the best for you. We can’t fix you and we don’t want to try. I just want you to know that we care xxx
You and I never got round to chatting about the acting thing I mentioned when you named my blog… But on Saturday I was watching you quietly partly in awe and partly thinking that, yes, you would indeed be a great actress. :-/ I also wonder, in fact I have wondered many times if once this busy time of the holiday, the funeral, the birthday, the walk, the auction quietens down, if there will be a time when you just crash because the flow of energy, the adrenaline and the drive goes for a while and there is a terrible low, and a depression… I wonder if I should be afraid of that for you, or if it is something that NEEDS to happen for you to stay aligned with your true integral self and not become too used to living as “the actress” which could become too much of a habit (although clearly useful in order to survive in the real world where you do have to wipe bums and noses and play and organise and be positive). I don’t know the answer to that because I don’t know enough about grief and I have never lost a baby. I don’t know if you should follow your natural instincts to organise and smile and make beautiful everything that you do, or if you need a nudge to let it all hang loose and let the hideous grief and the crying and screaming and snot and the ugliness find you more for it’s catharsis and for the long term good of your soul. I don’t know how much you already do that behind closed doors, because I just don’t know you that well (yet!)… But I wonder sometimes about it and I think about you often. And if I ever ask you how you are, it will be with a totally open expectation of whether you say, “I’m just tired”, because you don’t feel like going into the abyss or “I’m really ok today, in fact I’m so OK I feel so, so guilty that I shouldn’t” (this may happen one day sometime in the future and you may need reassuring that Tilda loves you and would want you to feel OK sometimes) or that the answer is, “AAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHH, blub, ffffffpt, rant, anger, rage, question, snot.” I would really want to know, and if you wanted to give the easy answer because you just don’t have the energy, that’s fine too. I think the very amazing, positive, smiling, able-to-see-the-beauty-left-in-the-world lady that we are all congratulating you for being is really a genuine, big part of who you are and you shouldn’t feel you have to deny it to convince us of your grief, but you also shouldn’t feel afraid to let it all hang out sometimes and really show us how you feel. We want to know and want to be there for you, just as we were in those most raw first days… Wow. Loooong post. Mostly crap. But I think of you often and am always wondering how you really are, behind the scenes, and what lies ahead for you. Love and hugs. x x x
very well said , and i think exactly the same about you Jennie. It is amazing that you have the strength to actually put on the smile face, doing the things you do but behind the scenes you have all these feelings you said. I think the fact that you can do both, is good, because you have the strenght to do it. Im sure that there are lots of people here whom will listen to your real feelings and not just asking how you are doing so they can hear you are doing ok.
I also was thinking, exactly when these photos were taken how in tune with you your gorgeous little boy is too, and that he feels that you’re sad and accepts it (and you) totally and there was something so incredible about the way he was hugging you! He loves you so much and he’s going to be someone really amazing in life. x x x
How does everyone else manage to say something much better, so much more succinctly?! It must be a blogger thing… 😉
I’m listening and I’m not scared of anything you might say xx
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
― Kahlil Gibran
Right now, this means much to me and I hope it will to you Jennie. I think of you daily and though I don’t tweet or leave comments often, I’m still thinking of you.
I don’t know what words I could possibly write to respond to such a heartfelt and honest post. I just want to tell you that everyone is there for you both in your life and online, if you fall they will catch you if you talk they will listen if you feel like you are crumbling they will help to rebuild you, be strong for your children but let others be strong for you xx
Jennie, I cannot even bring myself to imagine what you are going through. Just know everyone around you is here for you. Don’t put yourself down lovely. You’re a fantastic mum Tilda would be so proud. Lots of love xxx
The first thing someone says when they meet up with someone is ” are you ok?” its automatic. Here on your blog is where you can be the real you, the one that hates life, the one that thinks its fucking shit & oh so wrong that Matilda Mae was taken from you. Where you can cry, be negative, positive if you want. But here is where you should be YOU!! If people don’t like what they read, then they shouldn’t read, go to the next blog.
I know this may sound horrible but its not meant to, I wouldn’t mind if I made you cry because I had asked how you were feeling. If crying helps then my shoulder is here. You are positive for your children & your lovely husband so you don’t need to be with your blogging/twitter friends. We are all here for you.
Big hugs are being sent your way xxxxxx
sending you love and thoughts x
I know all of those feelings. All of those thoughts. I remember them well. I thought I would never learn to live along side them.
I will always be here to hear them. I will keep asking how you are and I fully expect you to tell me how bad it is.
It’s okay to say it to me.
Anyone who stops and thinks for a moment, who with every piece of them tries to put themselves in your shoes, but never can, would imagine that this is how they would get through, that you have to trust, and love, and have hope. Otherwise.
You, you say it, and it’s real, and it reels of so much love.
And that’s all that matters.
That no matter what, love will see you through xx
Heartbreaking, of course you aren’t OK, but despite everything you go on to make the twins life more normal which must be oh so hard each and every day. But please don’t hold back on us, we are here for you through good and bad, whether it be through screens and comments or in real life. Thinking of you xxx
Here for you, we all are and you don’t have to ever pretend with us. Sending you so much love xxx
I don’t think anyone thinks you are alright or okay, you have just lost a baby who you mothered for 18 months, 9 of them in your body and 9 of them in your life. I think it’s the cruelest of things ever and you will never be truly ‘alright’. I know that you show and outer strength but inside you are broken – I saw it 7th March and the memory of you that day is what I think about most. I admire you for having the outer strength to do the things you do when most people would crumble – I know the twins are what keep you upright most days. You don’t have to ever pretend with me, Jennie and you are most certainly not a rubbish friend. Even though I’m thousands of miles away right now I am thinking of you constantly and send love xx
Jennie I think you have perfected something many of us are skilled at which is to wear a mask of ‘okayness’ in order to protect both ourselves from those who care but also from hurting other people by not being ok if that makes sense. But something in learning slowly is it is ok to be honest. Nobody expects you to be ok. We are all in awe of the way you have coped so far and there are going to be many more days of pain and hurt. When I lost a friend I realised after a while that it wasn’t that it got easier but that you learn to live alongside it. Matilda will never be forgotten by you, David, e & w, family, friends and all the online community she has touched. You need to allow yourself time to grieve. And we will all still be here through the good and the bad. Xxxxxx
I think it’s ok to not be ok and whether it hurts to hear it or not it is good for you and good for us to tell it how it is. Your writing is honest, raw and beautiful. Sending lots of love x
Hugs Jennie… How could you be ok after what you have been through? I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible and hard it is each and every day. One thing shines through though, you are being an amazing mother honouring Matilda Mae and doing so much for Ester & William all the time. Be gentle on yourself too – it’s ok to not be ok. X
My heart aches for your sorrow and I hope that each day gets a little easier to get through xx
I just want to echo what Mags has written above – be gentle on yourself. Not even other mothers who’ve lost their own children will know exactly what you are going through, because this is your life and your loss. You can only get through it the way that you know how and from the outside looking in, you are doing so well, where others would maybe crumble. Who knows why any god would take a baby from her family, but thank heavens for your two gorgeous children who are still here with you, because perhaps it is the need to keep things going for them that is keeping you going.
Feel free to be how you like here – it’s not always as easy IRL but wow you really are doing marvellously well to even just get dressed and I know a lot of that is because you have to for E&W.
100 day, no time at all – go easy on yourself, it really is no time at all xxx
We can not truly imagine what you have to go through each and every minute of the day. I can only imagine that it must be unbelievably exhausting for you, mentally and physically. To read your heartfelt emotions in a blog post, an outpouring of how you truly feel, to put your innermost feelings on ‘paper’ must be in some ways very cathartic for you.
It is self-preservation. It is easier to smile, say we’re ok, and go about our day, when truthfully crying, venting, picking arguments even, seems more appropriate, but of course we can’t do that all of the time.
Your honesty is refreshing, there are no apologies (and there should be none), your blog is your free will to say what you want, and we all love you for it.
xx
Our circumstances are very different but I understand the place you are in now. Is it a British thing that we cannot answer people truthfully and when we actually want to just collapse on the floor and sob our heart out that we just do the official smile and carry on the conversation? Anger, frustration and sadness create lots of energy inside me though which I try to channel out into some good for friends or the community, will it help in the end, I don’t know.
So wish I could turn back time for you xx
Beautifully expressed and quite understandable. Keep smiling outside and hopefully your inside will follow too.
Jennie, I know I don’t know you and you probably don’t want to hear this. I would probably also hear from people telling me off for butting in but I am taking my chances. My love, you sound very depressed. I am no expert and I know this is all part of the grieving process, feeling the way you feel BUT have you considered seeing someone who specializes in loss and grieving? Spare some money from buying all those lovely clothes your kids probably don’t need anyway and go and spend some money on someone who knows to say the right things to all this and encourage you to live your life despite the excruciating pain. I mean, toss this in the bin if you think I am crossing the line but you need some support for yourself.For YOUR sake.xx
Oh, may I take the liberty(one more time) and pass this link on: http://www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com/living-with-loss/
This family has been dealing with loss too, having lost their first daughter. Blessings.