This day last year I blogged for the first time after Tilda’s birth, apart from her birth story.
I talked about being a new mummy of three children under two.
How it was busy and hard but also wonderful.
So wonderful.
I love all my children and my husband more than anything else in the world
But right now I feel like I need to get away.
I feel so selfish for even thinking it
For daring to write it down
I am a mother and a wife
I should be supporting my family
But I feel so sad and so angry
And I hate everything about myself
And I just don’t know what to do
I smile the smile
I talk the talk
I play trains and make playdough
Go to toddler classes
Do the preschool run
But I am not really experiencing it
I am short with the children
I shout at them too much
About silly things
I try so hard to do fun things with them everyday
But I am struggling.
I am sure that David must be too
Though he does not say.
Her works
And he does the house and the garden
He looks after us all
What am I doing?
A lot of writing
A lot of crying
A lot of wishing things could be different
I feel so selfish
But I feel like I don’t know who I am
I want it to be the last 8th of May
When I was a tired but oh so proud mummy of three
I just want that time over again
Our time over again
And I want Tilda to live
*hugs*
Don’t ever feel selfish. You are one of the most self involved people I know Jennie. You’re going through the worst thing any mother can go through and it’s only been a few months – it’s no time at all. Allow yourself some time to yourself. You do so much with the twins and have done a million more things than I think the vast majority of people in your position would do. Be kind to yourself and take the time out you need xx
Jennie, I wrote this in a hurry making dinner – sorry. I meant to say you are one of the LEAST self involved people I know. But I’m sure you knew what I meant 🙂 We all need time out even when we haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through xx
Jennie I often feel like this and I do not have any of the heart ache you do. Yoi are not selfish you need time to yourself so that you can repair yourself as best you can. So that you can be the mum, wife, friend you want to be. Think about my pm, its yours if u want it.
xxxxxx
Oh Jennie I think all Mum’s feel like this from time to time, only you have more of a reason too. Could you maybe book yourself a spa day/afternoon somewhere, or find somewhere out in the open for a nice long walk in the fresh air or something-whatever makes you feel relaxed. Don’t feel selfish, we are all like this. xx
Hi Jennie, Sending hugs. LIke everyone else has said, this is not selfish, this is completely normal. You need time to heal. Sending love and hugs. Do what you need to do, in the end it will be the best for all of you xxx
You need to be selfish right now. You have been thru so much and are still Going thru it, you need some time to heal so u Can be the best person you want to be. You are an amazing mummy xxx
Winding back the clock would be wonderful!
As that sadly can’t be I would say, Jennie, you would be a saint if you didn’t get short, loose your patience with Esther and William (and probably David too) once in a while! That’s in our job description as a mothers! Most of us struggle and muddle through our day-to- day without having the huge weight of a broken heart like you do.
Remember, you are as much a woman, an individual, as a mum: You cannot just keep giving and giving without allowing yourself the space and time to mend your broken heart and build your strength to carry and live with that heart that will always have a Tilda sized hole! Go easy on yourself!
You are an amazing mother to all three of your children. Maybe, if you haven’t already, build in some Tilda time during each day, for you to be with Tilda in spirit.
Love and hugs!
((xXx))
Jennie if I had lost a child I would have crawled under the covers and never came out. Selfish is the last thing you are. But space? Yes. Children of the twins age are exhausting even when everything is OK – let alone when your world has fallen apart. I think you should find a way to have a break. To yell and scream and shout at the sky, to hide under the covers, to do whatever you need. If you can find a way to make that space, even just for a day, then you should grab it with both hands xxx
I honestly cannot even imagine what you are going through. I just read your story & I sit here in tears for you…your so strong and your beautiful little Tilda would be so damn proud of her amazing Mummy! *massive hugs* Stay strong xx
Oh Jennie, what you’re feeling is so normal. So much love to you. You know, Tilda’s story has touched so many people – my mum, who doesn’t even *do* the internet blog thing, asked the other day how you were all doing. Whatever you do right now to cope is the right thing for you. You have so many people thinking of you and sending love. x
Oh hun 🙁 we all wish that for you too. Sending love and hugs. Xxx
Have an afternoon to yourself and use it think about and plan some other time for you in the future. Small steps.xxx
Hugs always and forever
Jennie, please don’t be so hard on yourself. As everyone is saying, we all have moments of impatience with our children. It doesn’t change a single thing about how much you love and cherish them. They know you are the best mum in the world. And they will understand and appreciate when they are older just how amazing, brave, loving, thoughtful and UNSELFISH you are. What you are is human. No ordinary human mind – you are positively *superhuman* for how much you give to your family even whilst enduring the most unimaginable pain. So, I say: scream, shout, cry, hug, take time when you need it <3 <3 <3
Jennie, as a typical awesome mother you totally underestimate what you do!
You say, “What am I doing? A lot of writing. A lot of crying. A lot of wishing things could be different”…Let me please add to that list the HUGE things you have omitted:
A lot of THINKING, THINKING, THINKING…mentally and emotionally-draining thinking, not just for you but for your family. PLANNING, PLANNING,PLANNING to make sure Tilda’s place in your family is honoured in the special way that befits her special personality and that she is never forgotten and ensuring that LOVE is at the forefront of everything; planning her Mile in Memory walk, liaising with The Lullaby Trust and The Tots 100 for the auction, meticulously planning every step of your trip to Coombe Mill and the emotional journey of your trip, ensuring that everything was perfect. PROCESSING and dealing with your life being tipped on end; Processing and dealing with your family’s life being tipped on end and it’s impact on everything such as relationships.These are typical intangible and exhausting ‘doings’!
These are merely the things that come straight to mind that you blog about but there are obviously the hundreds of other things that crop up everyday with toddler twins! (Like being up in the night with croup) Even just the seemingly simple daily things that you do from instinctive love -like constantly ensuring that they are warm enough, that their hands are washed, understanding what they are trying to communicate and helping them – all take up so much energy, especially when you’re already physically and emotionally exhausted.
When we’re completely exhausted, we tend to be shortest with those we love. It’s a sad fact and we all try to improve on it, but that’s a battle we all have.
Please do not feel guilty at all! You have done the equivalent of running a multinational corporation in the past three months and you DESERVE a break. In fact, you deserve many!!! Go have a facial or a massage (BOOK IT TODAY!), a pedicure, a manicure, a walk by yourself, a long soak in a bubble bath, a sit in the sun at the park by yourself to escape into a novel, some “me” time.
Mummy “me” time is not selfish. It is a necessity and an investment in all the family. Don’t deny yourself this essential necessity.
xxxx
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I want so so badly to be able to do something to make things different for you, to be able to turn back the clock, to grant your wish that this awful horrible nightmare was just that, a nightmare and not the reality, and that Tilda would still be here with you, where she belongs. I just can’t make sense of what you’re experiencing and why, it is just so cruel and so unfair. I can honestly say that I think of you and of baby Tilda every single day, despite having never met you and not knowing you, and all I can do is pray for you and for Tilda, and so I do. Please don’t ever think of yourself as selfish. You are human and you are going through the most unimaginable pain, and you mustn’t be so hard on yourself. And from everything I’ve seen and read, you are being incredible at keeping things together for Esther and William, I’m in awe of what an amazing, strong, creative, loving mummy you are. Sending love, xxxx
Jennie, I really can’t add anything else to what has already been said. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, and do please have some time to yourself, it isn’t selfish at all. Sending lots of love to you. Xxx