Thursday 2nd May 2013.

Matilda Mae should have been one year old.

She should have been alive for 12 whole months.

Instead she had been dead for three.

The paradox of these numbers will haunt me always.

The 2nd May was and will always be

Tilda’s Day.

This year we celebrated our angel’s birthday.

Baby Tilda’s first birthday.

Her first birthday in heaven.

We remembered her with balloons and stars.

As Esther and William came downstairs in the morning we had filled the lounge with balloons. They thought this was wonderful and had great fun playing with them together. Their smiles and giggles made me realise that Tilda would have loved this too.

We all dressed in pink and purple ready to do the Feed Run at Coombe Mill.

It was a wonderful sunny morning and Guy was with us which made our Esther’s day.

Esther and William loved the feed run and their favourite part was definitely feeding the chickens, and that was made even better by Guy being there to help!

After the chickens Esther and William were keen to go and drive the blue pretend tractor and enjoy some pink and purple play.

At snack time we made our way back to the holiday house where we found a wonderful chocolate cake and a pile of parcels and presents from friends and family and the blogging community.

I had really not expected to find so many kind and thoughtful things.

It was wonderful though.

Esther and William loved opening all the presents and were beside themselves with all their Thomas related gifts.

The genius people who thought to buy Esther and William a gift bought David and I something very precious.

They brought us time.

Time to sit and think about Tilda.

How it should have been her ripping paper off presents.

How it should have been her giggling with excitement at all the attention being lavished on her.

It should have been her.

And David and I welcomed the time to think about our daughter.

And what should have been happening on this day.

I was so incredibly moved by all the support from the blogging community. My beautiful blog baby was trending on Twitter on her first birthday and that meant the world to me. It made me smile as my blog was such a huge part of who she was, of who I am, it felt right to see her name ‘in lights’ on her very special day.

We had a very relaxed morning in our holiday house at Coombe Mill, Esther and William played with their presents and we were able to read Twitter and Facebook and blog posts and emails about our beautiful baby daughter, Matilda Mae.

Thank you x

Esther and William enjoyed their sister’s first birthday in heaven.

We had lots and lots of family fun including sailing some very special balsa wood boats on the river.

After the boats it was time to blow bubble kisses to Baby Tilda in the sky and to release some flowers into the water.

We wanted to do this with Esther and William so that in years to come they will have some understanding what happened to Tilda’s ashes that night.

Boats on a river

Flowing to a sea of stars

With bubble kisses being blown to help them on their way.

These were all we could do today to wish our baby girl a happy first birthday.

Happy Birthday Baby Tilda in the sky!

This is what we shouted with each flower we released into the river’s flow.

After the kisses came the wishes

Birthday wishes for Tilda

As we blew out the candles on her cake

Fiona from Coombe Mill had cleverly designed the cake so that we all had a candle each

We sang Happy Birthday to Baby Tilda

And sent her birthday love and wishes to the sky

After lunch and cake it was time to go out.

We wanted to write Baby Tilda’s name in the sand and so we went to The Headland Garden in Fowey.

It was a very peaceful place.

It is basically someone’s cliff side garden leading down to a private beach with interesting rocks to climb and stunning views of the estuary.

We had a lovely, quiet time.

William found a train rock and spent much of his time playing on that.

Daddy and I wrote Tilda’s name in the sand and whispered birthday wishes

Into the wind

And out to the sea.

After playing on the sand we took the car ferry over the river to Fowey where we had a lovely tea at Sam’s.

Esther and William had an incredibly late night for them.

We packed so much into this day.

A first birthday fit for an angel.

I hope we did her proud x

We love you Matilda Mae x

Happy Birthday in the sky x

Our star was shining bright today.