She is gone.
And while it is fresh in my mind I want to write the story of her final journey down.
I have asked David if he minds if I blog our goodbye.
He says that I can.
For which I am so grateful as blogging is what I know to do.
It is how I process things and make sense of my world.
Try to make sense of my world.
If pictures of Tilda’s ashes will upset you
If setting her sail will upset you
Then please please stop reading now
Thank you x
Today was Baby Tilda’s first birthday
We celebrated for her here on Earth
And we hope she partied in heaven with the angels.
At the end of a longer than usual day
We waited for Esther and William to fall asleep
Before heading out to our chosen spot on the river
Here at Coombe Mill
We took with us Tilda’s boat, her ashes and pink and purple stars.
David and I went down to the waters edge
Where we carefully transferred Tilda
From a paper bag to her boat
We rinsed out the bag to make sure that all of Tilda would be in the water
Heading for the sea
Her ashes spilled out into the water
Leaving a haze of white in the water
Like stardust
On top of her ashes we lay balsa wood kindling
And balsa wood stars
Before lighting the boat and setting it sail
We put a trail of stars into the water
They created a shimmering, sparkling pathway
For Tilda’s boat to follow
We set the boat on fire
And let our baby go.
She followed the stars
As they lead her down river
Leading her into the night
The boat blazed as it travelled
David and I walked behind and beside Baby Tilda
As she made her final journey to the stars
The boat was perfect
The setting was perfect
David told me that Tilda is everywhere now
Not only in the rivers and the sea
But also in the rain
Our baby girl will be with us everywhere
Tilda will be with us for always
And every year we will come back to Coombe Mill
To sail wooden boats on the river
And blow bubbles by the shore
We will come back with family and with friends
To retell the story of Tilda’s goodbye
Rest in peace Baby Tilda
We love you x
I hope our bubble kisses reached you in the sky x
I’m so glad it was the goodbye you’d planned so beautifully, Jennie. It looks and sounds perfect – just like Tilda. She is most definitely everywhere. Sending you love, as always xx
Beautifully done, both of you. You have given her the best angel birthday. x
I’m so sorry you had to go through this but so glad it was as you hoped. Goodnight baby Tilda xxx
This is so touching and an amazing thing, I’ve been thinking of you all today. Happy Birthday to your wonderful little baby girl and I hope you are all ok xx
Beautiful send off for a beautiful girl…dance with the stars Tilda.x
A truly beautiful farewell to your precious baby. My thoughts are with you xx
It sounds like it was beautiful. I’m so glad that it went as perfectly as it possibly could. And I think David is right, she will be everywhere now, and I hope that is a comfort to you.
Always in my thoughts… x
Sending you much love. I am so grateful that you have been able to give Matilda Mae the goodbye you took so much time and love in preparing. You have truly honoured her time on earth and represented her beauty. x
You have both done her so proud. I have tears and shivers as if she really is all around Coombe Mill tonight. RIP Matilda Mae
So beautiful and so much love xx Rest in peace sweet angel xx
You and David really did Tilda proud. I’m so glad this day turned out as you hoped it would. I love the thought of her being everywhere now, even in the rain.
Thank you for sharing this with us xx
She is with you always, she made today beautiful for everyone – the sun shone and then set pink & purple. Then you made the most perfect memories of her, for her – she will always be remembered by so many. When my children blow bubbles I think of your Tilda – I hope she catches them all xxx
Perfect x x x x
David is very talented. The boat is beautiful.
You are both so very brave. I think David is right, Tilda is everywhere with you x x x x x
Happy birthday little one, sweet dreams x x
So beautiful. My heart breaks for you and your family. I have never met you but I have thought about you all throughout the day. I hope today brought you some little peace and you feel Matilda’s presence when the wind blows your hair and the rain falls softly on your cheek. Rest in perfect peace Matilda Mae x
Beautiful… have been thinking of your family all day, explore the stars Matilda Mae xx
I hope Matilda will rest in peace and I hope you guys will find peace too. The boat and stars seems like a very special way to say goodbye to her.
Such a beautiful goodbye to a beautiful little girl… RIP Matilda Mae….xx
I’m glad you got to send her off in the way you so wished. I am sat here in tears. Much love to you all as always
x
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Rest in peace Matilda Mae x
What a beautiful way to say goodbye. So touching to read and thank you for sharing your beautiful daughters final journey. I’m sure your bubble kisses will have reached her. Thinking about you all. xx
beautiful x
I feel so privileged to read your words Jennie. You and David have more courage in your little fingers than most armies. Wishing your beautiful daughter peace and love from up high in the sky and down low on the ground with us all. xx
This is so heartbreaking but so beautiful. You have sent Matilda Mae off in such a perfect way. David and you have such incredible courage – borne of your immense love for Baby Tilda. I am so glad that your plans went as you hoped. She is truly all around you – and within you – always. She will be in the rain that waters her memory garden too. I hope you feel some measure of peace now this last part of Baby Tilda’s journey is done. And I hope you manage some healing sleep xxx
Reading this has given me goosebumps, what a perfect send off. I’m sorry I have no more words, i’m still so sad for you all xx
Matilda Mae is so proud of you both, her Mummy & Daddy. My prayer for you tonight is that when the sunshine of the coming weeks meet with the pain & sorrow of your tears……that a beautiful little rainbow will appear xx sleep well xx you must both be exhausted xx
What a beautiful, perfect goodbye. She is everywhere now x
Beautiful rip Matilda Mae
The perfection of goodbyes! You have given Matilda Mae the most amazing day, she may not be with you in body anymore but she is all around, forever x
Beautiful. My heart breaks for you. But that was such a beautiful goodbye xx
A beautiful goodbye. You are both so brave. She will be with you forever. With love x
I wish with all my heart you werent going through this but you did her proud! What a beautiful perfect send off you gave her. Happy birthday Matilda Mae. Gone but never never forgotten. Your name will be remembered by so many mummies forever xxx Lots of love to you all Jennie xxx
You are very brave parents to Matilda Mae, as you sent her off to sail on her forever journey to be free and be everywhere and always with you … As i lit a candle for her and went outside to blow bubbles up to the first bright stars this evening, thinking of you , there was such a lovely and loud sound around me. Birds were singing beautifully, it was perhaps a lullaby for Matilda Mae.
A heart breakingly beautiful goodbye.
Lost for words… I am so very very sorry that this has happened to you, and for all that you have gone through and continue to endure.
You have been in my thoughts and my heart all day.
Rest in peace, baby girl.
What an absolutely beautiful send off, you are such loving, caring amazing parents and my heart goes out to you tonight. I hope to be able to go to Coombe Mill one day soon and will make sure to pay my respects when I do. Happy Birthday Matilda Mae, I hope you are having a party full of angel babies xxx
Just beautiful. A very fitting goodbye x much love x
Oh Jennie it looks so beautiful. What a beautiful way to say goodbye.
Steph, Jenny, Tom and I blew bubbles today for Matilda Mae a d thought of you all.
Lots of love
Hx
I am so absolutely heartbroken for your family… What a beautiful way to say good bye! I was blowing bubbles with my toddler today and thinking of you and wishing baby Tilda the most magical 1st Birthday in the sky. xxx
Oh Jennie. I wish so much you didn’t have to go through that but I am so glad it was the perfect farewell for Matilda. You and David did her proud. Xx
Beautiful. So emotional but beautiful xxxx
This is both heartbreaking and beautiful, thank you for sharing. xxx
Shedding tears for you while reading. Just beautiful Jennie Xx
so beautiful jennie.a beautiful goodbye to baby Tilda. you have done her proud. Happy birthday baby Tilda. i love the idea that she is now everywhere even in the rain. we have been thinking of you all today xxx
I awoke this morning, drew my curtains back and saw a beautiful sunrise. My first thought was for your daughter, Matilda Mae. Happy birthday to a very special little girl. She will always be with you in your heart and all around you. Thank you for sharing her story, I will never forget her. My thoughts are with you and your family, I hope this day was special for you all even if tinged with sadness xx
The love you have all put in to saying your goodbye is so very moving and beautiful. I’m so so sorry that this has happened. Thank you for sharing with us all. We blew bubbles for Matilda Mae by the pool in Bangkok, children from all over the world chased them and played. Sending love and light far and wide. I wish you all peace xx
Absolutely beautiful!
The two of you created the perfection that was Matilda Mae and together you have given her a perfect goodbye in an imperfect world from where she was taken away.
Soul in Heaven, ashes back to Mother Earth… soar high Matilda Mae, for you have created waves with your short journey here beyond what could be imagined. Rest in His arms knowing you will be remembered by many. Bubble kisses to you birthday girl!
A beautiful goodbye to ana absolutely beautiful angel xxx
I can’t imagine a more beautiful goodbye to a beautiful little baby girl than this one.
So beautiful Jennie and David. Perfect! The stars floating, simply beautiful. Xxxxxx
A perfect send off for your princess taken to early. Massive hugs, your a fabulous mummy keep strong xxx
You did her proud – every day of her little life and you did her proud today. It looks and sounds perfect in the cruelest interpretation of the word. I love that David said she is everywhere, even in the rain. I think that must be true as how could anyone so very loved every truly be gone? I am so pleased you have found Coombe Mill, I think it will be the perfect spot to return to year on year as the twins grow. Thank you so much for sharing this final goodbye. We have grown to love you and your family. Ultimately that has been Tilda’s gift to us all. May she rest in peace till you hold her again. Sending much love for today and all future days, Helen xxx
I am so do glad that this went as you hoped it would and that you are happy with it all. The pictures are beautiful. The ashes look like star dust, they are glittering with love. Thank you so so much for sharing this with us. Baby Tilda truly is everywhere.
xxxxxxx
A beautiful send off xx
A beautiful goodbye. x
Beautifully heartbreaking. Looks like the perfect send off for a beautiful little girl.
We blew bubbles for baby Tilda also yesterday.
Much love to you…. this was so beautiful…we are praying for you all
Beautiful post, even Matilda’s ashes look beautiful all sparkly, everytime I see the sea or a river shimmering I will think of Matilda x I have never met you but I will always be thinking of you and your family everytime I blow bubbles or one of the kids sing twinkle twinkle or when I see a star. So many lovely things that make mm come to mind x x x
That was such a heart breakingly beautiful way to say goodbye to your little Matilda Mae. We blew bubbles too yesterday for her. Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending lots of love to you all xxx.
Beautiful. I have no words only tears xxx
So beautiful, and David is right Matilda Mae will be in all the waters and all the stars too, shining with pride and love for you all. x x x x x
Tears streaming. A perfect goodbye and wonderful photos. You looked so beautiful in your purple and lovely starry scarf. She’d be so proud to have such a beautiful Mummy. I love that you have sent Matilda’s ashes back into nature. The atoms and particles which make up our bodies here on earth originated from the stars and now her body has gone back into the earth and her soul back to the stars which seems right. David’s right, she is everywhere and always with you. Love. xxx
Beautiful goodbye Thank you for sharing
This is upsetting but so beautiful and a fitting tribute to your gorgeous daughter, I have never met you Jenny but my thoughts and love go out to your family x x
oh Jennie, this is so beautiful and painful. I’m glad your goodbyes went as planned and I think my family will always think of Tilda when bedtime comes and we settle to watch In the Night Garden. Every time I come here the main thought in my mind is; no mum should ever have to go through all this. It seems to me; it was even less fair on you as you are such an amazing mum and person.
I should have listen to your advise though, and stop reading as I am now, as usual, in no stopping tears.
Goodbye Matilda Mae, I hope you had fun at your party in the sky.
A beautiful, beautiful send off for a perfect, beautiful baby. My thoughts were constantly with you and David yesterday evening, and I am so happy to read this post to see that everything went as it should have for your final goodbye to her, just the three of you. Big love and hugs to you all, you have been an amazing source of strength, and I hope that we all have earned a place to be your virtual friend here. Much love.
That song will forever remind me of Matilda, I am so glad for you that her send off was perfect for you both, such a lovely way to set her free, I love the the pink and purple stars making her path to follow. She will be forever with you all, she is everywhere, looking down and looking after you all in that you do. I am pleased you’ve found peace at Coombe Mill, a place to treasure in your hearts forever. Wishing you all well, you are all so brave, strong and full of courage. These blue skies are for her xx
What a beautiful goodbye, beautifully written.
Oh Jennie – this is so, so beautiful. I was thinking about you all yesterday. I read it through tears but what a truly perfect way to say goodbye in such a serene setting. You and David are so courageous and strong. I’m glad you have such a special place you can return to each year to mark your beautiful daughter’s birthday. xxx
Your goodbye to Tilda is heartbreakingly beautiful. As a page for angel parents i have seen and heard how angels have left the earth. This is suck a lovely way to do so. Especially the stars in the water and her boat. Perfect. x
Jennie and David, this is utterly perfect. What a beautiful way to say goodbye, I am taken back by how strong you both are, and how perfect you have made things for Matilda and all your family. we will be walking in memory next Saturday as promised. X
I just read this at work and I had to physically stop myself from crying.
We don’t know each other. Though I feel like I know you Jennie. But ever since I found out about Tilda, I have struggled so much to accept it. I didn’t understand why such a beautiful baby girl wasn’t with her mother anymore. My head and my heart would fight daily over it. “It can’t be.”
I am so sorry. I think you are beyond one of the most inspirational, wonderful and truly loving mothers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (in the roundabout way that I do).
I think Matilda Mae is the luckiest girl in the world. She’s eternal and will be your star, as you have always been hers. xxx
Such a beautiful goodbye for a beautiful girl. You are both amazing and couldn’t have made it any more perfect. So glad you have such a lovely special place to go every year to celebrate her birthday xxx
May you find peace with this closure ceremony. I have read a lot of your posts since baby Matilda Mae died and it broke my heart for you and your little family. Rest assured, she is well where she is. Now all of you need to be well for her here on earth.
Though the tears are racing each other down my cheeks, I cannot be sad because there is so much love in this post, and every post since that terrible night when you found your precious girl sleeping. I hope that the overwhelming tide of love and support lifts you all as it carries Matilda Mae across the world over sea and sky.
Beautiful. Just perfect …
Beautiful. Love. Goodbye xx
I’m completely heartbroken for you all. This is beautiful, perfect xxxx
I thought about you and your family and Matilda Mae yesterday. It was a privilege to read this – just so, so beautiful. Her final send off looked absolutely perfect in every way. X.
I don’t have the words.
You both are incredible. Such a brave and beautiful final journey.
She is now truly everywhere and will be with you for always.
x
A lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been but you have truly given her the most beautiful send off. You are both amazing.
I have been following your story Jennie, but have never really known what to say – I still don’t.
But this post is so heartbreakingly beautiful that I simply had to comment.
It’s so so wrong that you’ve found yourself here, but you have done something amazing for your daughter. Matilda Mae would be very proud of her brave mummy and daddy – I’m sure she loved playing with the bubbles as they reached her too. x
I’m so glad you got to say goodbye the way that you had planned. It looked so peaceful and she will be everywhere with you. Lots of love to you all xxxxx
Perfect x
Jennie we don’t know one another but I have read your blog for a long time and I feel like I know you through your wonderful words.
What a beautiful goodbye you are both so very strong and brave xxx
A truly beautiful goodbye x
a tender, moving and beautiful goodbye. Wishing you all strength and peace.
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Rest in peace, beautiful Star of the Sea. xxx
Beautiful and perfect. So heartbreaking, yet such an amazing send off. What an absolutely gorgeous boat.
I hope as a family you can find some sense of peace in the future. xx
Sending prayers your way. Beautiful sendoff xx
This made me cry but it’s a beautiful send off for your beautiful girl. xxxx
So, so beautiful and moving. xxxx
Every post you write about your beautiful daughter has me in tears yet through those tears comes a smile because I know Matilda Mae, Esther & William have amazing parents, the love in your family shines in every post. I have said it before that I think you all as a family must be amazingly close & strong. I am pleased that the beautiful way you chose to send Matilda Mae on her final journey went perfectly as it could. The sun shone beautifully all day & your husband is right, she will be all around you but I am sure you already know that. x x x
What a beautiful goodbye. Always thinking of you xx
Thinking of you always Jennie xx
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Beautiful. You and Matilda Mae are always in my thoughts, even though we have never met. Xxx
It is always sad to lose someone but you created a beautiful memory that you will always have. Great post
Wow! When E & W grow up and read this blog, they will say “Have we not got the most amazing parents!?! There couldn’t be a more beautiful and special mother! And how loving and wonderful is our dad making those gorgeous boats!?!”
Jennie this is such a beautiful way to say goodbye to Matilda. The last couple of months I have read your blog and your tweets, since the day you found your baby girl and have really struggled with the ‘whys?’ And the complete injustice of it all. You have inspired me in so many ways, and I have been blown away by all the little details you have thought of to celebrate Matilda’s life and to say goodbye to her. One thing is for sure, I, and I am sure hundreds of other people, will never ever forget your little girl. That’s the legacy you have created for her. You are truly an incredible lady. I will continue to think of your family, you are often in my thoughts. You did and will continue to do Matilda proud, and your other children too. Xx
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So perfect and fitting for your so, so beautiful Matilda Mae. I have only seen your blog this week and feel so touched by your strength and spirit as a family. There is no doubt that Matilda’s short time with you was just perfect. All the wonderful experiences you gave her she knew that she was the most cared for, loved baby in the world. My heart goes out to you.
Beautiful goodbye to a gorgeous little girl.
Oh Jennie, I have been thinking of you. What a beautiful thing to do. x
What an amazing way to let your little girl go. I wish you and your family healing and love. x
What a beautiful goodbye to your beautiful little girl. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. You are so, so strong. It’s a privilege that you share this with us. x
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What a beautiful thing you have done for your baby daughter. She is not just with you now, but with all of us. I will think of Matilda Mae when it rains.
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Utterly beautiful. You are so brave, Jennie.
Sending so much love to you all xxx
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Such a beautiful, touching way to say goodbye, but how I wish you had never had to say goodbye to your sweet girl. Thank you for sharing this with us. xxx
What a wonderful last journey you gave her, so thoughtful and beautiful. Matilda Mae’s earthly body will be wending her way all over the world, sharing her love with all of us. While her heavenly soul will be bursting with love and pride for having you as her parents. Matilda Mae will always know and feel the love you give her.
Thank you so much for sharing your Love, It will help so many.
Love always grows, when shared with others.
xxx
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Beautiful. Truly beautiful x
Wow, so beautiful. You are so incredibly brave, my heart goes out to you and your family. Beautiful, just like baby Tilda x
P.s… I love the beautiful star scarf you are wearing, xx
That is the most beautiful post I have ever read. What a lovely way to do such a difficult thing. My thoughts are with you all. Stacey x
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One year later reading this post still makes me cry. Such a beautiful idea, the stars and her boat. I still can never think of what to say, which makes me feel like a bad friend. But know I am here. Reading, thinking, caring. xxx
Such a beautiful goodbye for a beautiful little girl. xxx
Such a beautiful way to honour a beautiful girl. Tears are streaming down my face. You had such courage to let her go, to keep her with you always and everywhere. Much love xxx
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What a beautiful way to remember your little Tilda. The image of the stars flouting with Tilda following will stay with me.
From Conor’s Mummy (Conor was born sleeping at 41 weeks in August 14)
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