We are on holiday at the moment
Baby Tilda’s holiday
Or so it should be
In three sleeps time she should be one year old
Instead she will be three months dead.
I am using all my energy at the moment
Planning and getting through the days
By evening
And by night
I have nothing left to give.
Esther and William are having a wonderful time
They do not realise the effort it takes
For their parents to get out of bed each morning
And make it through another day
Each day as Tilda’s birthday gets closer
The energy and enthusiasm I need to make it through a day
Seems to be further and further away.
The cost of toddler happiness
Is a heavier than ever
Mother’s heart.
With three sleeps to go
Baby Tilda’s birthday is always on my mind
And as I see photos of other babies turning one
Knowing that my baby never will
Another piece of my heart breaks
My soul splinters
Severs
Never to be repaired
As I realise that no matter what I plan
No matter what I buy, make, write or say
Nothing that I can do
That anyone can do
Will mean I will find Tilda here on Thursday
Ready to celebrate her birthday.
And there is a tiny part of me
A tiny spark inside
Desperate to burst into flame
That truly believes
That one day
Before the second of May
I will find the thing
Whatever it is
That I can do
That will bring Tilda back
How can I believe that?
But I do
I cannot stop it.
I want her back so much.
I want my baby back
Here where she belongs
At the heart of our family
And ready to celebrate her birthday.
I love you Baby Tilda x
I’m sorry that I cannot bring you back
I’m sorry that I cannot make things right
I will never ever forgive myself
For you not being here
When we all need you so desperately
And miss you so completely
In everything we do
There should be you x
We love you x
I really wish I could find the thing to say to make it all ok and ease your pain. But I can’t, because nothing I or anyone can say will bring Tilda back to where she should be. So, even though its not enough, all I can do is let you know how much I am thinking of you and David as Thursday approaches. That you are being so strong for Esther and William, making sure they have a wonderful holiday, is a testament to your bravery and love for your children; all of them xx
A really difficult week for you. So sorry 🙁 Wishing you strength xxx
No words just xxxxxx
Thinking of you too, so very much over this week and sending lots of love. Xxx
Oh how I wish you could have that one thing. The only thing that will ever make things all right again. I know there is mothing I can say or do to take the pain away, I only hope to be able to hold your hand as you travel the path that has bern carved for you.
xxxx
thinking of you as always. i don’t have any words that will make you feel better. i don’t understand why this happened and i am so so sad for you. bless little matilda mae. forever a smile. xx
So so sorry that you lost your girl. The twins are so lucky to have you and David – you are wonderful parents xx
Jennie I am so sorry you lost your baby Tilda. Thinking of you always, and especially this week. Sending you love and wishing you strength to get through each day xxxx
so sorry and just hugs and prayers because words will never ever be enough xxx
My heart breaks for you, I’ll be thinking of you this week. M and I missed you at funtrain today…we all sang twinkle twinkle for baby Tilda. We’ll be sure to blow some bubbles on Thursday.xxxx
There aren’t any words that could describe the pain that you and David are going through,everyone who knows you both will be thinking of you on Thursday ……so sorry ….
So, so, so moving. I can barely imagine your pain. When you’re ready I will help you however I can. X
There are no words that I can write that sum up how much I wish you had your beautiful girl by your side. But there is a part of me that believes she IS there, in some way. Sending strength and hoping you can find some peace this week xx
I cannot take away your pain but I have been where you are today so I really do understand your pain! 27 years ago our darling son Calum went to sleep but did not wake up. Not a day goes by when I do not think of him. The pain will become easier to bear and you will realise that Tilda IS back with you and will always be with you, just in another dimension of time and space. She will always be your daughter and your twins sister and she will live on in all of you. The blackness will fade and you will start to see in colour once more…Until then all you can do is keep taking one day at a time xxxxx
This week, especially, must be unbearably hard for you. I hope you and David can hold each other tight and provide some comfort to one another.
Jennie, trust that Tilda is always there, metaphysically. In everything you feel and do, in every rustle of leaves, glimmer of sunshine, in every rainbow and sparkle of a star. She is there with you, watching over you, protecting you and being mighty proud of her wonderful parents and sister and brother for all do in her honour and for her, as for one another.
I hope she finds a way to show you! … and I know this still won’t take away the ache in your arm yearning to hold her tight or the searing pain from the hole in you heart. Nothing will, till you are reunited.
So so sorry! Hold each other tight!
Sending lots of love.
If love could bring her back she would be here in an instant as your love for her is so so clear. If any of us had just one wish we would give it straight to you. And I am just so so sorry we can’t x x x
What an amazing mum and dad you are? You’re going through hell right now but you still make every day amazing for your twins – their beautiful smiles reflect that in your photos. I am so sorry you lost your baby girl, no parents should have to go through the hurt and pain that you are. Please find comfort that because of you, Jennie, you are making motherhood so special for lots of mummy’s out there. Because of you, i cherish every day, hour, minute and second that i have with my little boy. I spend all my time making memories with him, and as he sleeps, i hear him on the monitor… giggling in his sleep, he’s happy! – and i thank you for helping me become the wonderful mum that i hopefully am.
My thoughts are always with you x
I wish there was a way 🙁 xx
Everytime my charges sing twinkle twinkle I think of you all, I will blow bubbles with them on the 2nd of may to give Matilda some extra kisses and I’m hoping 4 of them will find their way to her special mum, dad and brother and sister too x x
There is nothing I can say to ease your pain Jennie. I know the only thing that can take away your pain and, as you’ve said, that can’t happen. All I can do is be here for you with virtual hugs and strength and give you that real hug in June xx
no words are adequate, no I’m sorry and my heart bleeds for you will help, but all I can do is send a huge (((((((hug)))).