Nothing Left To Give

We are on holiday at the moment

Baby Tilda’s holiday

Or so it should be

In three sleeps time she should be one year old

Instead she will be three months dead.

I am using all my energy at the moment

Planning and getting through the days

By evening

And by night

I have nothing left to give.

Esther and William are having a wonderful time

They do not realise the effort it takes

For their parents to get out of bed each morning

And make it through another day

Each day as Tilda’s birthday gets closer

The energy and enthusiasm I need to make it through a day

Seems to be further and further away.

The cost of toddler happiness

Is a heavier than ever

Mother’s heart.

With three sleeps to go

Baby Tilda’s birthday is always on my mind

And as I see photos of other babies turning one

Knowing that my baby never will

Another piece of my heart breaks

My soul splinters

Severs

Never to be repaired

As I realise that no matter what I plan

No matter what I buy, make, write or say

Nothing that I can do

That anyone can do

Will mean I will find Tilda here on Thursday

Ready to celebrate her birthday.

And there is a tiny part of me

A tiny spark inside

Desperate to burst into flame

That truly believes

That one day

Before the second of May

I will find the thing

Whatever it is

That I can do

That will bring Tilda back

How can I believe that?

But I do

I cannot stop it.

I want her back so much.

I want my baby back

Here where she belongs

At the heart of our family

And ready to celebrate her birthday.

I love you Baby Tilda x

I’m sorry that I cannot bring you back

I’m sorry that I cannot make things right

I will never ever forgive myself

For you not being here

When we all need you so desperately

And miss you so completely

In everything we do

There should be you x

We love you x

21 thoughts on “Nothing Left To Give

  1. I really wish I could find the thing to say to make it all ok and ease your pain. But I can’t, because nothing I or anyone can say will bring Tilda back to where she should be. So, even though its not enough, all I can do is let you know how much I am thinking of you and David as Thursday approaches. That you are being so strong for Esther and William, making sure they have a wonderful holiday, is a testament to your bravery and love for your children; all of them xx

  2. Oh how I wish you could have that one thing. The only thing that will ever make things all right again. I know there is mothing I can say or do to take the pain away, I only hope to be able to hold your hand as you travel the path that has bern carved for you.
    xxxx

  3. thinking of you as always. i don’t have any words that will make you feel better. i don’t understand why this happened and i am so so sad for you. bless little matilda mae. forever a smile. xx

  4. Jennie I am so sorry you lost your baby Tilda. Thinking of you always, and especially this week. Sending you love and wishing you strength to get through each day xxxx

  5. My heart breaks for you, I’ll be thinking of you this week. M and I missed you at funtrain today…we all sang twinkle twinkle for baby Tilda. We’ll be sure to blow some bubbles on Thursday.xxxx

  6. There aren’t any words that could describe the pain that you and David are going through,everyone who knows you both will be thinking of you on Thursday ……so sorry ….

  7. There are no words that I can write that sum up how much I wish you had your beautiful girl by your side. But there is a part of me that believes she IS there, in some way. Sending strength and hoping you can find some peace this week xx

  8. I cannot take away your pain but I have been where you are today so I really do understand your pain! 27 years ago our darling son Calum went to sleep but did not wake up. Not a day goes by when I do not think of him. The pain will become easier to bear and you will realise that Tilda IS back with you and will always be with you, just in another dimension of time and space. She will always be your daughter and your twins sister and she will live on in all of you. The blackness will fade and you will start to see in colour once more…Until then all you can do is keep taking one day at a time xxxxx

  9. This week, especially, must be unbearably hard for you. I hope you and David can hold each other tight and provide some comfort to one another.

    Jennie, trust that Tilda is always there, metaphysically. In everything you feel and do, in every rustle of leaves, glimmer of sunshine, in every rainbow and sparkle of a star. She is there with you, watching over you, protecting you and being mighty proud of her wonderful parents and sister and brother for all do in her honour and for her, as for one another.

    I hope she finds a way to show you! … and I know this still won’t take away the ache in your arm yearning to hold her tight or the searing pain from the hole in you heart. Nothing will, till you are reunited.

    So so sorry! Hold each other tight!

    Sending lots of love.

  10. If love could bring her back she would be here in an instant as your love for her is so so clear. If any of us had just one wish we would give it straight to you. And I am just so so sorry we can’t x x x

  11. What an amazing mum and dad you are? You’re going through hell right now but you still make every day amazing for your twins – their beautiful smiles reflect that in your photos. I am so sorry you lost your baby girl, no parents should have to go through the hurt and pain that you are. Please find comfort that because of you, Jennie, you are making motherhood so special for lots of mummy’s out there. Because of you, i cherish every day, hour, minute and second that i have with my little boy. I spend all my time making memories with him, and as he sleeps, i hear him on the monitor… giggling in his sleep, he’s happy! – and i thank you for helping me become the wonderful mum that i hopefully am.

    My thoughts are always with you x

  12. Everytime my charges sing twinkle twinkle I think of you all, I will blow bubbles with them on the 2nd of may to give Matilda some extra kisses and I’m hoping 4 of them will find their way to her special mum, dad and brother and sister too x x

  13. There is nothing I can say to ease your pain Jennie. I know the only thing that can take away your pain and, as you’ve said, that can’t happen. All I can do is be here for you with virtual hugs and strength and give you that real hug in June xx

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