For the last two days we have been travelling from a rainy Kent to a gloriously sunny Coombe Mill.

We are staying in Willow Cottage and it is simply stunning.

Esther and William have been so excited about this holiday and I always worry that we build things up with them and then the actual thing is a bit of an anti climax.

Arriving here though has been amazing.

William is already very taken with Fiona, ‘the green farm lady with the pink boots’! He was a little disappointed that she did not join us for tea and even more so that she will not be coming for breakfast. William has also spotted the farmer and the blue tractor and is going to be beside himself tomorrow if he wakes in time for the feed run. I have their winter snow suits ready to throw over the top of their pyjamas if needs be tomorrow!

It has been a long road getting here and so I am glad that the destination has taken our breath away a little and in just a few hours has let some peace and laughter into our hearts.

From the cottage where we are staying we can see the miniature train track and engine, then the pirate ship play area and the beautiful river beyond. All of which have been bathed in late afternoon sunshine since we arrived.

We are settled into the house, Esther and William are in bed, Matilda’s ashes are in the house, in a room of their own and David and I can begin our evening.

The journey here was hard.

David and I are both very emotional.

David is actually coping marvellously and I am the one that is a wreck.

I feel so angry that we are doing this without Matilda here.

I think that the holiday is the right thing to do I just cannot make any sense of why our baby had to die.

Why we have to make this journey without her.

I was sad when we left the house.

I could not find and still have not found the bracelet that I bought in Tilda’s memory.

I bought one for female family members just before Tilda’s funeral and one for myself.

It is a tiny purple beaded bracelet with a delicate silver star engraved with MM.

It was not expensive but it was precious.

It was for her.

I hope that I will find it again.

I am desperately sad though that I do not have it here.

For her birthday.

For when we set her ashes to sea.

The car journey to Longleat was actually okay

And our day at the safari park was wonderful.

Esther and William had a wonderful time

And there were special moments for us too.

I used up the life of two camera batteries yesterday

And then when I tried to charge them my battery charger died.

I was so cross and sad.

This is not a week that I can be without a camera.

I looked to Twitter for recommendations and then reserved a camera

I could collect in Frome.

Getting that meant that the day was going to have a stressful start.

And that on top of a sleepless night was not a good combination.

We stayed at the Premier Inn where sharing a room with two snuffly toddlers

And sleeping on the softest bed meant that David and I did not get much rest at all.

It was a long uncomfortable night

And I could not stop worrying about Tilda’s ashes

That we had left with our things in the car.

Today’s car journey was not so good

The SAT NAV in my car is rubbish

We drove round Frome quite a few times

Before I was finally able to clutch onto a new camera

This steadied my heart and my nerves a bit

But still I could not quiet the anger inside

I could not stop the tears from flowing

As we drove to our holiday farm

Without our guest of honour

This is the birthday week of our daughter

This was her main present for her first special day

It is so unfair and unjust and cruel

That our tiny tot is not here

Did not make it through her first year

I am not okay with that

I don’t know how to be okay with it

Esther and William are sleeping soundly in their holiday beds

But Matilda Mae is not in the room that could have been hers

Instead there are presents and cards for us not her

Pink and purple balloons and balloons with stars

Pink and purple candles

There is no first birthday banner

No big foil helium filled number one

She would have loved this house

The photos on the Coombe Mill website do not do it justice

It is perfect for toddlers and crawling babies

Perfect for a family of five

Perfect for a special family getaway

A beautiful place to be

So it was not an easy journey

But the getting here is over

Another thing we have done

Now we need to explore the area

And find the perfect place to set her ashes free

We need to make the most of this amazing opportunity

For our tractor and train mad twins

I am not sure any of us are going to want to go home again

Come the end of the week.