I am sat in the sunshine
Looking at our old house
Where one year ago I was in the final week of my pregnancy with Tilda
How I longed to meet her
My beautiful Matilda Mae
Named before she was conceived
9 months I had waited
To meet my precious baby girl
9 months I carried her in my womb
9 months I carried her in my arms
And for 3 long months I have been carrying her only in my heart
This is the church green where she could be playing
Outside the church where she should have been christened
And though we no longer live in this village
It will always hold a special place in my heart
On this green Esther and William had their first ever picnic
It is where they learned to walk and to roll down a hill
It is where they had their first carousel ride
Rode sledges through the snow
Across this green we made our way to our favourite swings and slide
Here Esther and William would toddle from bench to bench
It is the church where we were married
Where I was christened
Esther and William too
Today it is quiet except birdsong
I am the only one here
Me with my memories
Of pregnancy and babies
And my beautiful Matilda Mae
How I wish she was with me now
Crawling around on the grass
Listening to me tell her that this is where we used to live
This is where we brought her home to on the day that she was born
This year has not been at all what I ever imagined
No one plans a death in their baby’s first year
Certainly not the death of the baby
And that is why I am struggling right now
Struggling to be
Struggling to breathe
Struggling to make sense of anything and everything
How with just one year gone
Can the baby I gave birth to be dead?
Where is the sense in that?
No celebration of making it through the tough first year
We did not make
She did not make it
She died
Baby Tilda died
Matilda Mae is dead
9 months in the womb
9 months in my arms
3 months dead
What kind of first birthday is that?
A nonsense one
Nonsense
None sense
No sense at all
Rest in Peace Baby Tilda x
There is no sense to it at all. Nobody deserves to go through what you and your family are dealing with. I think having quiet time just by yourself to reflect and reminisce is a good thing as I imagine it is all too easy to concentrate on everybody else and making sure they are ok. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – you are so strong and you are doing so well. Three months is such a short time – although it feels like an eternity I’m sure. Once again, I haven’t quite been able to articulate exactly what I wanted to say but I hope I’ve got the sentiment across. xx
Oh Jennie I am so so sorry. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Thinking of you every day and especially from now until Tilda’s birthday. Sending you so much love xxxx
You’re right, it makes absolutely no sense at all. My heart breaks knowing that you are feeling this amount of pain and knowing that these weeks leading up to Tilda’s birthday are so incredibly hard for you. Always here for you and always remembering Tilda xx
Rest in peace Matilda Mae xxx
No sense Jennie. None at all. Will be thinking of you so much approaching Matilda’s birthday xxx
It really doesn’t make sense. How can it? Baby Tilda is so beautiful bin these photos and the twins look tiny. Hkw can all of that be gone? I am so so sorry
xxxd
really thinking of you Jennie……No sense is exactly what this is & this wasn’t the plan just as it wasn’t your plan. I just pray that you are overwhelmed with comfort from your close family & friends to get you through what is probably going to be the most difficult time ahead…… What do I know except that your words & a sense of what you feel touches my heart…..know that i am thinking of you everyday & how heartbreaking it is for you but also i am praying that God will just scoop you all up & protect you from this horrendous pain. I do hope that your time away will be relaxing & gives you some space to breath a little easier despite the fact it will be a sad time for you xxx lots of love xxx if only words would take this away & bring Tilda back I would truly keep typing & typing & typing…… xxx
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There is no sense in this at all Jennie, it is so very unfair. Thinking of you everyday, especially in the run up to Tilda’s birthday xx
It makes no sense and it is incomparably cruel what life has thrown at you. I only wish there was something that I could do, that someone could do, to make it all just a horrible nightmare that you could wake up from and that it not be true. I’m so truly sorry for your devastating loss xx