I am really struggling to write tonight.
I wrote a lot over the last two days for The Lullaby Trust.
And then today, as a strange baby insisted on toddling towards me whilst out for lunch, I just broke down.
I was looking at this young baby boy, holding his mummy’s hands, taking very early tentative steps.
I was looking at him.
But all I could see was Matilda.
Baby Tilda as she might be now.
Holding on to me as she started to explore the world on her own two toddling feet.
Insisting on walking round and round.
One foot almost in front of the other.
The tears just flowed freely as it truly hit my heart.
My baby girl is gone.
She is never coming back.
No matter how much I write or hope or wish or pray or help others.
She is never ever coming back
Matilda Mae never got to walk or talk.
Instead she died and she is gone.
And somehow I have to carry on without her.
Knowing everyday that she would have changed a little.
Grown a little.
Learned something new.
It was not just sad the day that she died.
The day after.
The days after that.
Every day is a heartbreaking, soul destroying reminder that my little girl is gone.
Of all that she will never achieve.
All that she will never see or do.
All that she will not have chance to learn.
I had such plans for Baby Tilda.
For Baby Tilda and me.
I want my baby back.
I miss that sweet child of mine!
Jennie I have no doubt at all that each and every day is excruciating for you. I only hope that over time the pain will lessen…not that you will forget, or move on, not that. But more that you become able to live with it better. I don’t think I’m making sense at all! I just want you to know that I understand what you’re saying. No amount of anything is going to change things and that hurts the most of all. I will send more virtual hugs until we meet again and I can give you a hug for real
xxxx
You are making perfect sense, Susanne. Couldn’t have out it better myself.
Sending you all the love in the world, Jennie and all the strength too. I wish I could find words of comfort, words to ease this excruciating pain you are feeling. But I wish, more than anything, that this hadn’t happened. Lots of love. We are always here for you xxx
Agree with you Susanne x the pain will never go away but we all pray that it becomes bearable
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength, courage and peace. I wish I could do more x
nothing I can say is going to take away your pain, your wanting, the injustice of the whole thing and I am sorry for that. All I can say is (((hugs))) and feel free to cry and vent and write as many sad thought as you want. Plenty of us are still reading, still sending hugs and still caring, but that wont help today either.
You are in my thoughts daily xxx
So sorry Jennie. It is so very wrong that you have lost your lovely girl xx
It’s so awful that this has happened, unfair and that there is no reason for it happening. I have no words to help or to take the hurt away. You are always in my thoughts. The pictures are just lovely, so many I have not seen before, are these the surprise find? Beautiful song 🙂 sending love as always xxx
Poor poor Jennie, my heart breaks for you xx
Jennie, every day you are in my thoughts. I can’t imagine how hard losing your gorgeous baby could be. It’s just so unfair. My ringtone is Sweet Child of Mine & now it will make my thoughts turn to you & your family. I’m so sorry Jennie x
Oh jennie…I can’t imagine how hard it must be when you see other babies. My little one turned 9 months this week and I have been thinking of you more than ever as I look at her and my heart just breaks when I think of your sadness. Yet again I feel I just don’t have the right words to comfort you but want you to know I am here. xx
You are in our thoughts and you have been so brave and strong. What a beautiful post and I admire your honesty, Bee x
This is heartbreaking it must be so hard to get through the days without her here with you all. I can only hope that it gets easier to get through the hurt & pain but obviously not forgotten, and don’t forget, you have a group of bloggers to support you when you need it too. It’s cruel that she can’t come back 🙁 xx
Also beautiful montage, I love that song x
It is so unfair and I’m so so sorry Jennie. Always thinking of you and praying for you. Sending you love and hugs and wishing there was more I could do xxxx
I have no words. Only tears and love. Wish we could all be there in your living room on days like this, to hug and wipe tears and pour tea (or wine?!). I think we all feel so helpless but of course, in the end, no one can go through this but you. Only you know the true extent of how it feels. But you do write so clearly and describe so honestly the thoughts that run through your head and the feelings you have that I think you bring us all closer to understanding what it’s like to lose a much adored, loved, cherised baby and while we can never go through it for you, you help us to understand better than we could, to get closer and to be less afraid of stepping up to a friend in pain to talk, listen and share their grief with them. That’s a great, great, loving thing to do, Jennie, to make the world a better place for other families, to break the fear and taboo of discussing baby loss. It will make it a slightly less lonely path for others to tread and is no small legacy. I know that doesn’t help you or lessen your pain in these moments at all, just for you to know that you are wonderful. HUGE hugs & strength. <3 xxx
I love how I say “I have no words” and then write a huge paragraph… verbal diarrhoea as usual. I never have no words. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Where’s the wine…?
No parent should have to go through this and sadly so many do. I have a friend whose baby died at birth and it was nearly 10 years ago now. It doesn’t ever go away but it became part of who you are and shapes you in unimaginable ways. For my friend she now plays her bassoon in an orchestra and makes beautiful music. I gave her the URL for a great support network and will pass it onto you as we’ll. http://www.fertilethoughts.com. The loss of a child board is full of amazing ladies who will understand your grief and share that with you. Much love Gem xx
Oh Jennie, my heart goes out to you! Sending you love and prayers that your pain is lessened with time.
Maybe it’s because I’m a mum of two small toddlers, but I burst into tears when I read this. No mother should ever experience the loss of her baby. I am so sorry and I hope you can find the strength to keep moving everyday for your twins. You are doing fabulously and documenting your experiences are helping other mums go through their loss too.
You are a super tough cookie! Lots of love xxx