Today I am feeling so sad.
My heart feels heavy and my eyes keep filling with tears.
It is little things all wrapped up in the same thing.
I miss my baby girl.
I think it is because all the people pregnant at the same time as me are starting first birthday celebrations or preparations.
I am packing boxes.
Tilda will never have a first birthday. I will not be taking pictures of her parties, her graduation, her wedding, her holidays.
She will not be with us this Easter or Christmas.
She won’t ever be with us again.
I had to explain to William that not even REALLY useful engines can bring Baby Tilda back from the sky.
I don’t want people to stop talking about her.
I feel like I need to talk about her all the time, bring her up with every stranger I meet.
I want them to know how wonderful she was and that a beautiful part of my life has gone missing.
I feel like screaming.
I want to go to the beach and run and scream and cry.
It has been 8 weeks this weekend.
She should have turned 11 months on Tuesday.
Everything is starting to go back to normal.
Because it has to.
But it never can for me.
I am scared that Esther and William will forget her.
I worry that I am mentioning her to them too much.
I don’t know how to build missing her into an ordinary life.
My life is not ordinary anymore.
I am a lady who lost a baby.
I am a mummy who’s daughter has died.
I don’t know how to be that person.
I want my little girl back!
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. I wish things were different. You have inspired so many Mums (including me) in so many ways. I wish you every bit of strength and I pray you find peace. I wish I could do more x
I can not imagine what you’re going through. It’s heartbreaking reading the true depth of your pain and loss. I hope time is kind you and helps to heal your broken heart. I read your posts and admire your ability to continue to be so creative and devoted to providing your twins with such interesting and fun play activities. You’re such a wonderful mummy. I dont know what else to say, except you remain in my thoughts. Sending you love and strength x x
Jennie, I so wish things were different for you. Talk about Tilda on here a much as you want to, scream if you want to (it doesn’t change anything but it helps release some of the tension!). Just from reading your posts, we all know how delightful Matilda was – how could E and W forget her? Don’t stop mentioning her – she will always be their sister.x
When you write about your grief I’m always reminded of Joan Didion’s account of hers, in The Year of Magical Thinking. I don’t know whether anyone else has mentioned it to you or if you know it…in it she describes her response to the terribly sudden, completely unexpected death of her husband…but the things she goes through are so similar to the things you write. http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1659905-the-year-of-magical-thinking
I am, as ever, so sorry and so moved by what is happening for you. xx
I wouldn’t know how to be that person either. You’re not supposed to, because Tilda was supposed to be here with you. I know that you want people to remember her, and you want to talk about her. You can do that any time with me. I promise I will never forget her. In fact I was speaking to lots of people about her today. She has truly touched so many, and it is so so so unfair that she is not here to see that.
xxxxxx
I can vouch on that. Susanne is doing a fantastic job I found out about baby Tilda from Susanne and now I feel my day is not complete until I don’t read about her and see her pictures, I find myself crying for her and telling my family and friends about her and yourself and people looking at me as if they are saying ‘ but you don’t know her’. She won’t be forgotten and the pain of losing her and the love for her will always be there just be visible in different forms.
I read all of your posts and feel inspired. I feel like I learn something everytime from you. Things like, it’s ok to express yourself, it’s ok to have a heavy heart and it’s ok to tell strangers all about Tilda. I don’t know you or your family, and yet, I read your blog to my family. You have made a difference in our lives. Each day you will get stronger, time will only heal and make life a little more bearable, but you, your husband and E & W will never forget baby Tilda. You will be the one who will keep her spirit alive. And whilst it’s no consolation to you that you are making a difference to people, we think about you all of the time. The Mummy bloggers I speak with regularly, speak about you and your great strength and ability to write your feelings down in such an honest way. You made me realise how precious family and life is. So scream away, rant and cry it’s your perogative as a griefing parent. Much love x
Those who knew your lovely daughter will never forget. And Esther and William will remember because they have you to help them do so. I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful baby girl. It is not right and it is not fair. I wish with all my heart it wasn’t so xxx
Oh Jennie my heart just breaks for you xxxx
Just wanted to send you love and hugs. It’s so unfair xx
Always listening and reading Jennie… Keep writing Xx
Oh Jennie. I don’t know, but I don’t think you can talk about Tilda too much to Esther and William and I cannot imagine they will ever forget her. I won’t ever forget her. I don’t think I will ever hear twinkle twinkle little star and not think of her. Thinking of you as always xx
Jennie, all the first occasions are going to be so hard. I hope we can mix some happiness with the sadness here at Coombe Mill for Tilda’s first birthday.
please keep writing your blog. you are amazing!!! how can anyone be so strong after what you have suffered, only GOD knows xxxxxx
I’ve found today quite hard, Jennie. Not only is TC one today but he’s been poorly. I knew that I’d think of Tilda even more today than I do every day. We haven’t been able to make today as special as we wanted but the thing that’s stopped me getting really upset about it is thoughts of Tilda. TC may be ill but he’s here. How I wish with all my heart and every part of me that Tilda was here to celebrate her first birthday and all her birthdays. The only thing that makes me sad and angry at the moment is that your beautiful star of the sea was taken away from you too soon. Tilda will never ever be forgotten, not by you, your family or your friends. I don’t think you can ever talk about her too much and the twins will always remember her too. You’d be surprised how much little ones remember. Tilda has touched the lives of us all, Jennie and I will always remember her even though I never met her. Baby Tiger has a roar that is loud and will always be heard. Much love to you xx
I know your heart and brain can’t understand that it’s so, but you ARE being that lady… so, so, SO gracefully. You remember your beautiful lost baby daughter and honour her so beautifully in everything you say, do and write. Please believe that you are just doing so, so well, so perfectly in the very best way that can be expected. No one could possibly expect more of a mother who lost her baby than what you’re giving right now. Please know that WE will never forget her, let alone E, W and your close family and friends. She’s remembered somewhere every single day I believe and would be even if you fell into a coma and forgot to think of her for a while! (God forbid!) I thought of her about five times today and I wasn’t even online for your profile to jog my memory. I just did! This is one of the lasting legacies that her amazing impact on your blogging community has had. We commit to honouring her memory and keeping her memory alive for you, with you, without you… If you’re not the last one standing when we’re old, old wrinkly cronies one day, one of us will still be lighting her a candle and blowing bubbles to the sky for you! Please believe that… You’re doing great, and this is as good as it can be right now I think. 8 weeks is such a short time. Her memory will never dim but will bring you more sad smiles and less stabbing pain in the heart I believe, I hope… Hold on, hold on, keep breathing, grieving, loving, remembering. Hold on. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Beautifully said x
Dear Jennie
You don’t know me but I have been following your posts and have finally had the courage to reply to one. I am truly devasted that yet another mum like me is now suffering the pain and devastation of losing a baby. I, like you have twins, they are identical twin boys who are 7 years old. I also had another child in November 2010 called Henry, who became an angel at just 4 days old from SIDS. Two and half years later and we have what I call a ‘new’ normal. I have since had another child Hallie who was born just less than a year after we lost Henry. No one can ever replace him but she, along with her big brothers has brought so much happiness to our lives after so much heartbreak. The boys talk about Henry all the time and it is lovely that they include him as part of our family. He will never be forgotten and I will make sure I tell Hallie all about him when she is old enough.
I am amazed by your stength and some of the things that you have already done I was nowhere near to doing at the stage you are at. I am sure baby Tilda is immmensly proud of her mummy. There are still sad days but on the whole I can honestly say that I am happy. In those early weeks, I would have never thought that i could be where i am now. I do remember saying to a close friend I am always going to be that lady who has lost a child and her reply was yes, but you are also that lady who has identical twins.
I hope that things can be a little more bearable for you in time. Keep going and big hugs to you and your family. If you ever need a person to talk to I am here.
Lots of Love
xxx
This has had me in tears once again, my heart really goes out to you.
I don’t think you can ever talk too much about her to Ester and William, she’s still their little sister, they will remember her through photos, and videos and all the stories you, your family, and your friends will share with them. Once they are old enough they will also be able to see the impact and inspiration she has had on so many lives.
It must be so hard hard to help them understand she can’t come back-the train comment left a lump in my throat, children have such innocent minds.
Sending you lots of strength through these hard months especially seeing other’s having birthday’s I can only imagine the first milestones must be the hardest. Having seen some of your tweets the ideas you have for the day sound a perfect way to celebrate the memory of Matilda. Just wondered (I’m not a green fingered person at all so don’t know of any plants but know you want to do a garden) if there is a plant that blooms mainly in month of her birthday so every year when the flowers/fruit bloom it will be like a reminder of her special day xx
I wish you didn’t have to go through this pain. I feel for you so much. Yet more photos of your beautiful baby girl xxx
We are here to help you. We wont try to mend you because your not broken and most importantly we will never forget the beautiful Matilda Mae x
I don’t know you Jennie, I don’t always manage to read your posts daily, yet I think of tilda every single day. That is her legacy which you have created. She will always be in someone’s thoughts. You are an inspiration, I wish you didn’t have to feel this pain with all my heart x
I’m afraid nothing I can say is going to help you right now. Eight weeks is no time at all, unyet life does get back to routine, at least for everyone else.
My daughter died at the beginning of the summer holidays, and for most of that time I was cocooned at home with my family, but school started and I had to do those school runs, and make packed lunches, and everything else that had to be done.
I would get up, get showered,dressed, put one foot in front of another, and hope it would get easier. Some days I would walk home to an empty house and crumble. I remember one day lying on the kichen floor sobbing thinking I just couldn’t go on, but of course I did. I had to.
My heart breaks reading your blog, and I know our babies died in different circumstances, but I know the pain of missing a daughter, of wishing her back.
I wish I could wish your beautiful daughter back, and mine, and so many others. I’m so sorry you are going through this.x
xxxxx
I am so sorry your beautiful girl won’t be with you this Easter or for any those marked annual occasions – I am so sorry. I hope I am not speaking out of turn here, but there is a wonderful organisation called Cruse Bereavement, that offers a free counselling service to those affected by loss – the counsellor comes to your home (on a weekly basis, at a time convenient to you), and I don’t think there is a time limit on the number of sessions. I just thought you might like to know, and be aware of the extra support that is available to you. http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ .I am a counsellor/psychotherapist myself and I know this is a very good charity/organisation and the counselling is very, very good. It might offer that extra hour every week to talk to someone in confidence, who will warmly listen to every word you want to say or shout about Tilda Mae. I hope I haven’t caused any offence in suggesting this – I just wanted to offer support. X.
Hugs always thinking of you. X
Sending you all my love all the time. Max xxxx
Jennie, you are doing a wonderful job of finding yourself and creating that new “normal” in your lives! If anyone, then you know how to balance talking about Tilda enough to Esther and William- your heart dictates…because your heart has just the right sized hole in it to keep Tilda forever there.
For now it is still raw because of the hole that was ripped out of it, but in time it will heal and work again with that special nook forever there. I am sure the twins too have this special nook in their hearts, and will forever too.
Lots of love to you all!
Just reading all your posts brings it all back. I remember the time that life went back to normal for everyone else and mine stayed stopped. I remember thinking that all the people who had offered to help us and be there, had gone back to their life. I knew if I phoned them they would help, but I didn’t know what to ask for.
There are no words to tell you how much I wish life was different for you. I think about you and Matilda all the time. She will never be forgotten and we are all here for you reading your posts, holding you hand and helping you up when you think you can’t stand. Shout, scream, cry…we will always be here right beside you x