As if the pain of losing a baby daughter is not enough.
A nursing mother must then go through the physical and emotional pain of losing her milk.
Those early days without Matilda were excruciating in every way.
At 9 months my beautiful little, cheeky little(!), milk monster was basically still feeding on demand.
Cheeky Little Milk Monster
She suckled all through most nights.
Dream Feed
Those first days and nights without her.
I thought my heart might literally burst out of my chest.
Red, swollen, sore, leaking eyes.
Red, swollen, sore, leaking breasts.
Hand expressing milk for a baby no longer alive.
It is not character building it is soul destroying.
A more selfless mother may have have been strong enough
To capture, store and donate her milk.
But not me.
This was Tilda’s milk.
It was like crying tears.
It was like bleeding.
Part of the horrible horrible process of letting go.
I stood crying.
My heart breaking.
Squeezing the last of my life with Tilda out of my body.
Sometimes David would help me.
Or just be with me.
But often I would be alone.
I would look in the mirror
To see an utterly broken woman looking back at me.
Her heart ache written across her face.
Her hurt burning in her eyes.
How could that woman possibly be me?
Those earliest days without Tilda were excruciating.
Yet I did not want the pain to go.
For once it was gone
The milk was gone.
My breasts were empty.
There was nothing left.
But because life is cruel
Because there is no easy way to grieve
The next blow comes quick
Knocking you clean off your feet
As the pain comes again.
Washing over you in crippling waves
And the blood that tells you.
Shows you
What you do not want to know.
You really do not want to know.
That your body is ready
For what your heart and head are certainly not.
A woman’s cycle can be so cruel
I want to be nursing my baby.
I am so empty without her.
My body is painfully reminding me of all that I have lost.
Of all that is gone.
Of what could have been, should have been and never will be.
I hate my body.
I love my baby.
Matilda’s Milk
I loved making Matilda’s milk.
Matilda Mae
This is such a heartbreaking post. I remember how utterly sad I was when I had to stop feeding Luka and how physically and emotionally painful it was… NOTHING compared to what you have experienced. This is one particular part of what has happened that is especially cruel because breastfeeding is so intensely emotional and all consuming. Your entire body, your entire being, is dedicated towards this one task… and then for it to be no more is incomprehensible. You write so beautifully Jennie and once again your words have left me in tears, absolutely unable to help you at all. I am so sorry
xxxxx
Jennie, again I have no words to comfort you. I just wish with every part of my heart and mind that this hasn’t happened, that you weren’t going through this…that Tilda was still here.
I breastfed both MC and TC and with TC I got severe mastitis at 7 months and had to stop as he rejected my milk. I’ll never forget the pain both physically and emotionally – I was in pieces. The difference is I still had my baby. What you experienced is just the cruelest of things ever and my heart aches for you for what you went through with your milk stopping and your cycle returning.
I’m just so sorry I can’t help ease the pain of all this. I wish I has words of comfort. I’m sorry xx
Whenever you are ready I will make a keepsake for you, just drop me an email with your address or bring your milk to me, whichever you prefer x
Thank you x x x
I’m sorry, so sorry :'( I have no words to offer to ease any of this cruel pain, but my tears are flowing for you dear mama.
So open & honest, and so heartbreaking. I wish I could take that pain away 🙁 I didn’t ever have the pleasure of breast feeding E because he was too tiny & couldn’t do it. I was forced to express & feed him via a bottle & after so many months on NICU there was no way of going back to breast … he just wasn’t interested. I remember feeling totally lost, useless & emotionally drained. These feelings do not even compare to what you are experiencing. I can’t imagine how beautiful that bond is, I wanted nothing more than to feed my baby make him strong, give him part of me but it wasn’t to be. I feel sad when I think back to that time, so only God knows how hard it is for you. I’m so sorry Jennie .. I really am *tears* xxxxxxxxx
I’m going to hug you so tight when we meet. It won’t make any of this go away but I’m still going to.. xxxxxx
I am sat here crying, unable to even comprehend or understand the pain you must be going through. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I look at the pictures of your beautiful daughter and my tears flow again, you are such a brave and amazing lady. I know these words come from a stranger but I mean them from the bottom of my heart. All I can say is I am so very sorry for your loss xx
Oh Jennie xxxxx
Jennie, the tears are rolling down my face again. I always try to write back to you but I have no words. We are strangers but your beautiful daughter means so much. I remember the sadness of stopping breast feeding and the emotional and physical bond that is broken. What you have experienced is beyond my comprehension, I am so so sorry for your loss. Matilda’s spirit shines through in all your photos, she must have been so very special. Your absolute bond with her and the joy that she brought you is so apparent. I thank you for sharing her story with us, for helping me remember what is important in life and for making me a better mother. Most of all though I wish she was still here with you now xxxxx
Jennie I am so so sorry you have had to go through all this unimaginable pain, physical as well as emotional. I think you are amazing, selfless, brave and strong, but I know that’s not much comfort when you would rather be an ordinary mummy with nothing particular to be brave about. I’m sorry you lost your beautiful baby girl. It is good that she was able to feed on demand for all her 9 months and she had such a wonderful close relationship with you, but it is so unfathomable and wrong that she is not with you now keeping you awake at night. I can’t wait till we meet up, I have a lot of hugs stored up for you (guess I will have to join the queue.) As Coco said, it can’t make the pain go away, but I’m going to do it anyway xxxx
i am so sorry i dont have words my heart is breaking for you jennie xxx
Beautifully written, heart breaking post. My thoughts are with you many many times throughout the day even though I have never met you or your family. I am a mummy too though and I hear your pain through your words. X
That is such a heartbreaking post (they all are) but this really resonated with me. After loosing both Ben and Clover, my milk also came in and with no baby to feed I remember so clearly the physical and emotional pain of having to express until it dried up. Loads of milk for babies that would never need it. And then your body telling you it is ready for another baby before you have even buried the last – in fact with Ben I remember it happened on the day of his funeral. Jennie there really are no words to comfort you and I am so very sorry – just hugs and empathy xxxxx
This is absolutely heartbreaking to read…
Jennie, you are beautiful inside and out. Your body is beautiful. It produced three beautiful children. I wish Matilda was here with you, life is so cruel. Your grief is so raw but I hope that with time you will start feeling that you can still have a beautiful life. It will never be the same without Matilda but it can still be beautiful. I hope that one day your wonderful family will be blessed with another baby again. Noone will ever replace Matilda but your heart is so full of love and I know God is watching over you. God never wastes pain. We’ll never know why he’s chosen you to walk this path in this life but I have no doubt that there are great things in store for you still to come. Jennie, you are just amazing! Beautiful soul! Broken but not forever xxx
Nature is raw and a crude realist! It is so unfair for it to compound the already unfathomable pain.
Your strength with which you have taken all this on is truly admirable Jennie. With your beautifully crafted words you are able to express feelings that others may lock up.
I also couldn’t donate my milk. You put it perfectly, it is for our sweet babies and they aren’t here.
This is absolutely heartbreaking 🙁
I found your site through a friend who had posted about the death of Matilda Mae on her Facebook profile. My friend was honouring Matilda’s funeral on her Facebook page.
I have only a few words to offer you upon reading about what happened to Matilda. I can only say how sorry I am about her death.
I lost my first daughter, Harriet, six and a half years ago, through different circumstances to your own. You never expect to lose a child. The pain is just unbearable. I wont say I know what you are experiencing. I think everyone’s grief is different and everyone deals with it in their own way. However, I do know my grief at losing my daughter: the loss, despair, waves of absolute overwhelming grief, loneliness, the feeling that I may not be able to go on. I’m here, though, six and a half years later. I have to say, also, that I am happy. My life will never be the same again. I am not complete because she is not here. I miss and remember Harriet every day of my life, but I’m here with more children and I am happy.
You will get through this. Not soon, but in your own time. You will always miss Matilda. She will always be your daughterand you will always be her mother. You wont believe this now but you will get through this and you will be a wonderful mummy to Esther and William and any further children you may have.
I’m so sorry you have had to experience this. I just felt like I had to email you because your story, sadness and love for your children has just resonated with me. Stay close with your family x
Sarah
(A very proud mummy to Harriet, my angel, Alexandra, Holly and Maximillian) xxxxxx
This is truly heartbreaking to read. As many have said, giving up breastfeeding was really emotional but we still had our child at the end of it. I wish we could take it all back for you. No Mother should have to go through what you are going through. Life is so, so cruel.
I am more sorry than words can say that you are having to go through this pain. Your words about a woman’s cycle did strike a cord with me. I had a missed miscarriage at 11 1/2 weeks and when I had my cycle, right on the first month anniversary of that loss, it felt like a real body blow. It felt completely like my body had betrayed me. I wish with all my heart that this wasn’t happening to you. It is all so unfair and heart breaking you lost your gorgeous baby Matilda. Sending you love, and thinking of you all. xxx