Age 0
Sometimes I wish that I was not such a dreamer, a planner.
Then I would not have already known in my heart and my head exactly how Tilda’s first birthday would be.
But I am.
And I do.
And as the season of birthdays begins of all those I was pregnant with.
I can feel my heartbreaking a little bit more each day.
Piles of presents.
Not for Tilda.
Birthday kisses.
Never for Tilda.
A great big number one balloon.
Not for Tilda Mae.
A special first birthday cake.
Not for Matilda.
A party with family and friends.
Not for Matilda.
A glass of champagne for mummy and daddy for making it through that tough first year.
Not for us.
We didn’t make it.
Baby Tilda did not make it.
She did not even have one whole year!
She never walked.
She never talked.
No one sang her a birthday song.
She did not even make it into a room of her own.
2nd May 2013.
We will go to the sea.
Write her name in the sand.
Blow bubble kisses to the sky.
But it is not the same.
It is nowhere near the same.
I want my baby back.
I want her to have the life she deserved.
She would have adored her birthday.
All that attention centred on her.
Her smile would have have been bigger and brighter than ever.
From now until the end of May
So many babies that we know will be one
It is breaking my heart
That my baby never will be
And I don’t know how to live with that
I just can’t believe that she died.
Matilda on Her Birth Day
Oh Jennie, I know that my words will never be enough. Nothing can ever make this better for you. It really is so unfair that baby Tilda will never get to do so many things. All I can say is that I am so so sorry for your loss.
xxxxx
:'( lots of hugs people say it gets easier but then something comes up and your back to the start, birthdays, mothers day, Easter, Christmas, would be first day at school etc are all such difficult times. I know this may be difficult but you could get a cake and have it at the beach and light a number one candle for her. Always praying for you all
Oh Jennie. I just have no words 🙁 My heart is broken for you. I can offer no advice, no words of wisdom, I’ve never lived through such a thing. I can only say my one thought which is most certainly no comfort at all, which is that there is no where to go from here except into embracing the sadness and living an unspoken acceptance of the unacceptable. I don’t know how you begin to accept such a thing, it’s so unfair. But it must surely be the only way…any other path of trying to deny or change the impossible will just bring even more pain 🙁 Having said that, I BET that you need to go through acceptance alternating with shouting and crying to the skies as well. Allow yourself to feel so, so sad for it is the saddest of things in all of life… but don’t forget to Congratulate yourself because you and David HAVE made it one year…through living with her for nine months, being the best mummy she could ever have wished for, and living without her and coping with grief and honouring her memory and making her legacy come true and being there for your beautiful twins, raising money and all the while being a strong couple and beautiful people and getting through each day. You have SO made it… not in the way you wanted but if anyone deserved to raise a glass of champagne to themselves it’s you!! You’re my inspiration. xxxxxxxxxxxx
Wishing there was some way to ease your pain. Hugs.
I am lost for words. xo P
I think the idea of a cake at the beach is a lovely one. Maybe Tilda will send a kiss on the breeze to blow out the candle herself.
Hugs to you all Jennie.
Trying to think what to say but I know nothing will help. Am so so sorry for you all. Thinking of you x
Its easy to make it through that first year and to congratulate yourselves when all is well. What you and David will have been through come the 2nd of May is unthinkable and unbearably sad. But you will survive this – because as your friend above says – you have no other choice. You are already making paths for Matilda’s life to create such a lasting legacy which will carry on and make a huge difference to others for years to come. I know this doesn’t bring your daughter back. I know you would do anything to make it different. God only knows we all would. It’s simply not fair and it will never be OK. Your heart is broken but you will get through this – for David, for your twins and for yourself. A dreamer – yes – but a survivor too xxx
Dear Jennie,
It’s just so unfair! So unfair that nothing can make the pain of it not exist. All there is to ease the pain, is time. And in the meantime, strategies to give you some ‘up’ moments until one day there will be many more ‘up’ moments than down moments. Until then, in particularly down moments such as ‘birthday heartache’, one way you may be able to turn some of your sadness to positive is to treat the Mile in Memory at The Rare Breed as Tilda’s Birthday Celebration and really focus on that. On birthdays we celebrate that a person was born. Whether it be a certain number of years or even just 9 months,.We’ll all celebrate that Matilda Mae was born because she has brought so much love and light into this world xxooxx
It’s just so cruel and unfair that you are going through this, Jennie. At MC’s 4th birthday party yesterday my heart filled with sadness as we sang Happy Birthday as I thought about Tilda. As you know, I have TC’s 1st birthday coming up and it will be so bittersweet. My heart breaks for you. I know nothing I can say or do can comfort you but know that I’m thinking of you so much each day and wishing I could take your pain away xx
jennie i have no words to make it all better and i am so sorry 🙁 i am sure matilda will be looking down on you all on her special day and all the other days too. i will be thinking of you and your family xxxx
I really don’t know what I can say, but don’t want to say nothing. You are in my thoughts every day xxx
Jenny no words can take this pain away for you but I just wanted to say your in my thoughts everyday. Xxxxx
Sorry *Jennie xxx
just watched your beautiful video’s of your amazing daughter…..i dont know you or your family but my heart broke for you ;thank you for sharing something so precious.nobody knows how you feel i’m pretty sure its impossible to put into words; just take one day at a time and on her birthday celebrate how lucky you are to have been blessed with her even for just a short while god bless xxx
There is a Hungarian proverb which translates man plans, God executes. I am so so sorry that He had different plans for you and beautiful Tilda. It feels so cruel, especially seeing her giggling, clapping in the videos you shared of her. I cannot begin to imagine how much you must miss her! And yet you have to go on. Do it one moment at a time.
Although Matilda Mae will not turn one, but the 2nd of May will always be a special day to celebrate her short entrance into this world, the profound mark she has left in many hearts. Plan a birthday, sweet Jennie, but alas a different one than you had been planning. I hope you can find the strength to celebrate at least as much as you mourn her loss on her special day. Hugs to you and D.
My heart really goes out to you and your family. I have been in tears reading this and many other posts of yours. No parent should have to go through this, thinking of you xx
I shall be lighting a candle and blowing bubbles on Matilda Mae’s special day – i shall be thinking of you and your family – i just wish i could take your pain away x
My heart breaks for you there are no answers for why life is so unfair and why your beautiful Matilda will not see her special day. Me and my family will be thinking of you and Matilda on the 2nd of May, if only all our thoughts, wishes and prayers could place her back in your arms xx