Dearest darling Matilda Mae
Yesterday was a day full of excitement followed by a night of fear and wonder.
Was it something that we did or did not do that killed you?
This morning as we sat down to breakfast the telephone rang.
It was as if he had read my blog.
The coroner called.
Cause of Death.
For Miss Matilda Mae.
Age 9 months.
SIDS.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
The death of a seemingly healthy baby in its sleep, due to an apparent spontaneous cessation of breathing.
It sounds so horribly harsh and cruel when you hear it out loud.
It looks so scary and stark when you write it down.
And I have not stopped crying since we heard.
You just stopped breathing.
You just died.
And no one knows why.
We might never know why.
A post mortem was carried out to try and find some answers.
But there are none.
All we know is that you were not poorly and you did not suffocate.
There are clear indicators of suffocation and you had none of them.
They checked.
They checked and rechecked.
You did not suffocate Matilda Mae.
You just died.
You stopped breathing and you died.
You were what? Unlucky?
I am writing to you today to tell you that I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much every minute of everyday.
When people ask me if I am alright I feel like screaming back at them NO, OF COURSE I AM NOT ALRIGHT AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY!
I am getting through each day one minute at a time.
Today’s news I hope may help us all to find some peace though at the same time we have so many questions.
Questions that may never be answered.
Today I have made a pledge in your name Matilda Mae.
Today we have been given Matilda’s cause of death. SIDS. The coronor has told us categorically that Matilda did not suffocate under her blankets. They examined and reexamined looking for signs of suffocation and there were none. There is no known reason why she died. But it was not our fault and there was nothing we could have done. She died of the cruel unknown that is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and I pledge right now that I am going to do all I can to to raise money to fund research to find out why this things takes so many precious young lives including our beautiful daughter.
I will always honour your memory Matilda Mae and I will do everything I can to raise money to help fund research in to why beautiful healthy, happy babies like you have to die.
I miss you and I will do everything I can to find out why you had to die.
I cannot bring you back.
I cannot hold you in my arms.
I will never hear you speak or see you walk.
But this, this Matilda Mae, I can do.
And I promise you darling girl that I will.
I will.
What a beautiful pledge to a beautiful girl. She will be so proud of you looking down 🙂
A beautiful pledge. You will do this.
xxxx
I’m weeping here with you Jenny … I am sorry you have no answers but I’m glad, if that’s the right word, that Matilda Mae didn’t die of suffocation under her blanket as I think that would have haunted you and caused you to wonder if there what you should have done differently … I know it would me … so sending prayers and love … keep on getting through the days minute by minute, second by second and well done on your determined pledge to honour your little girl. Your strength and courage, which may seem very lacking to you, are so evident to all of us on the ‘outside’ and I’m sure it’s not just me that is very inspired by you x
Oh goodness 🙁 I remember your posts and tweets about safety and I am so glad that you now know and realise nothing was your fault. But yeah, I guess it is of no comfort…
Beautiful pledge. I have no doubt that you WILL make a huge impact when it comes to raising funds for research. SIDS has been a mystery for far too long.
x x x
when i read this post i came out in goosebumps what a wonderful pledge to make to your beautiful daughter x
It’s an amazing pledge and one will will all help with in whatever way we can xx
*we will
you honour her memory every single day Jennie, your pledge will help so many others through better research and understanding of this heartbreakingly cruel syndrome xxx
What a nightmare. Of course you didn’t do anything wrong and you are not alright. xxx
A beautiful pledge for a beautiful girl, one we will help you with xxx
Oh Jennie, in tears here for you and don’t know what to say. I am thinking of you and your family everyday.
I am sorry there is no answer, SIDS is horrible and I am sure you will put your energy into fundraising in Matilda’s name – what a beautiful pledge for a beautiful girl. I know it wasn’t your fault and hopefully hearing that will help a little.
Sam x
You will Jennie. You are going to make SUCH a difference xxx
A beautiful pledge, so sorry that you don’t have an answer but please find comfort in the fact that its not your fault. <3
Tears streaming down my face for you and for beautiful Matilda Mae. I can’t stop thinking of you since I came across your blog through another I follow. Your story is heartbreaking – Matilda was so lucky to have a mum like you for her precious, short life x
I think of you and your family daily. I never have the right words to comment but I read yours and keep you in my heart. Today I’m going to try though. I apologise if these words aren’t quite right but they come from a place of love and support.
What happened to Matilda Mae was not anyone’s fault. And it’s ok for you *not* to be ok. When people ask I think it’s because they want you to know they’re thinking of you. I struggle with answering that question myself, I don’t know what people expect from me, but I think what people are often trying to say is that they have not forgotten.
You and Matilda Mae are already making a difference to all the people you touch, me included. Your pledge fits perfectly with everything you’ve already acheived in the memory of your beautiful baby girl.
I will continue to think of you daily and pray that each day you find a little peace. Emma x
How amazing that you can turn something so heartbreaking into something so positive. I am glad (that’s so not the right word) that you know there is nothing you could have done. Take care x
Jennie – yet more beautful words from you in the face of adversity – from everything I have read & mostly with tear filled eyes, you of all the people in the world will make a difference to SIDS – I am only sorry you have to endure the loss of your beautiful baby to save others. Lots of prayers still coming your way….. I think that there has already been some intervention from the Good Man upstairs today :0) xxx
And we will be right behind you helping you. Such a beautiful girl taken too soon like so many other little stars.xxx
what a fantastic caring and heartfelt pledge.
I am glad though that the cornor has told you that you did nothing wrong, although we alwasy look for a reason it is also kind to have some reasons taken away xx
Of course you are not OK. What a bullshit question to ask.
You have made a beautiful pledge. And I am sure there are a lot of people eager to support you.
PS: Sorry for swearing on your blog.
That little face in the last photo just says “I know you will, my wonderful Mummy”. so so sad she is not here with you but what you are doing, Jennie, minute by minute, day by day, organizing her memory walk, fundraising, writing so beautifully through your grief has and will have an enormous impact. You cannot imagine how many hearts you and Matilda have already touched xxxx
A very beautiful pledge. I hope that one day you can find the answers you are looking for. Your pledge will help so many its a wonderful pledge.x
We will all help you xx
I’m really sorry Jenny that you have no answers and I know my sorry’s do not make you feel any better but I’m thinking of you and sending you my love xxx
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You have honoured that pledge and more Jennie. Such a strong woman who Matilda would have been so proud of! Is so proud of xx
I can barely believe how much has been raised to help Bliss and Lullaby Trust. It is awesome, and you’ve totally kept that pledge. x