We could have done more to encourage Tilda to sleep on her back. She slept better on her front and it was easier to soothe her that way. She loved us patting her back or rubbing her rump. We could have turned her onto her back once she was asleep.
We could have turned the monitor on. Tilda had a monitor but we had not used it for a few weeks. We could hear her easily from where we were downstairs. And we often went to listen to her.
When David went up to settle her when she awoke I could have gone instead. I could have cuddled her and fed her back to sleep.
David could have stayed with her until she was properly settled.
Even though it was cold I should not have put a blanket over her.
She should not have had toys in her cot.
David could have not shut the lounge door because he was cold from the draft. It meant that we could not hear as well though I did go out more than once to listen for her.
We could have actually gone into the room to look at her and see her sleeping.
I could have gone to bed earlier.
We know that we did not kill our beautiful Baby Tilda.
But by changing any one or a combination of the above …
… It may have been just enough to save her.
And that is something we have to live with for the rest of our lives.
And one day explain to her siblings.
We are so so sorry, Baby Tilda.
We love you so much.
No words just hugs for you all.
Oh jennie. I know that nothing I say will make you think otherwise but there is a chance that you could’ve done all of those things and it still not be enough. Until research uncovers more reasons why cot death occurs families are always going to ask these questions. I hope our walks will help reach that goal. In the meantime I really hope that you and david are able to find comfort in each other. If I could bring her back, I would.
xxxx
I don’t know what to say…as a mum, I remember being told on many occasions about the dangers of babies sleeping on their front, of putting toys in the cot, of putting blankets on young babies, of co-sleeping, of a huge variety of things. And I must admit, I did stick to the guidance I was given for fear of tempting fate. But in reality, it’s not that easy, and often when you find a simpler arrangement or something that brings greater comfort to your child than the rather military style “lie on your back with your feet at the base of the cot, oh and you’re not getting any toys either”.
I know you know this, but torturing yourself with the what ifs and shudda, wudda, cuddas will drive you to insanity. You simply must make peace with these issues otherwise it will honestly kill you.
Thoughts are often with you x
It happened despite not because of you – it happened because sometimes awful things happen to people who just do not deserve it, and there is nothing you could have done differently, nothing you should have done, nothing which you can say puts you in any way to blame.
Tilda was just too perfect to stay, and had important work to do – her life has already touched hundreds, thousands, of people – her legacy will stretch beyond any lifetime.
What a lovely, reassuring, sensitive, comment!
Oh Jennie, I am so very sorry. But please do not blame yourselves. Both my children sleep on their fronts – when very little I placed them on their backs but as soon as they could roll they would do so onto their fronts – even whilst asleep. So little is understood about SIDS that there is no way of knowing that any of those factors even played a part. You did not neglect your daughter – please never believe that. xxx
So so sorry you are questioning yourselves. Sometimes things just happen and no matter what you could or did do would make any difference.
sending love and hugs
Jennie, big hugs, I know hindsight is an amazing thing, but things like this are not logical. A baby is something that bends the rules, they test you and sometimes they are taken from us unexpectedly, totally unexplained with no answers. Looking at what you might or might not have been able to do may not be helpful for you or David. Cause if you decide it’s one thing, then naturally, even though you don’t want it to, blame might creep in. Don’t blame yourselves or anything you did, you are wonderful parents and gorgeous people. big hugs x
I know it’s not going to give you any comfort, Jennie, but they are all things that I think every Mummy and Daddy will do at some point – they aren’t the reason Tilda isn’t here anymore.
TC sleeps on his tummy. Always has done and probably always will. If we put him down on his back he always rolls onto his front. We didn’t always have the monitor on either.
A lot of people bang on about the dangers of co-sleeping. We co-slept with both TC and MC. My friend still sleeps with her little boy and he’s 12 months.
No-one knows why Tilda was chosen. I just wish with all my heart she wasn’t.
xxx
Heather, This is kind of what I was trying to say. no matter what action you take, sometimes it’s not the cause. Sometimes things just happen, no reason. Buddy & Bubbles both went down on their back but when I would check on them they were on front, bum in air, this seems to be a good pose of babies. You can’t control nature, can you? I really wish you could but, we can’t.
Hindsight is a wickedly unforgiving thing, and something from which we sadly cannot hide. It’s only natural to question and let blame sneak in, but you and David are obviously wonderful parents. Easy to say but please don’t be hard on yourselves. Lots of love x
Dear Jennie,
You and your husband obviously loved Baby Tilda with all of your hearts and did your best to keep her safe as all loving parents do, never forget this! None of us follow every guideline because in the real world it just doesn’t work that way! You can’t blame yourselves, you are in no way to blame. This could have happened to any family, sadly no family is immune to such a heart breaking loss. I’m truly very sorry it happened to yours. Your blogs and wonderful work in her name will keep her starlight shining x
The other day my friend came over and I told her about you and Matilda Mae and the impact you have had on me, and she said she knew a mum from our area who lost her baby to SIDS, in the middle of the day, in his buggy out and about, just metres from the Portland Hospital (where he’d been born in fact) and even there, nothing could be done to save him. I don’t mean to bum you out even more with this sad, sad story (which is why I didn’t relate it to you after I first heard it!)..only to point out that, it seems to me, when SIDS strikes, it comes suddenly, for no apparent reason, and nothing can be done. Please don’t blame yourselves. You don’t know for sure that ANY of the above factors would have changed anything, and no matter the circumstances, you may always be thinking “if only we had done it like this…”. Life has so many millions of variants and options and possible outcomes in every second, and our choices combine with others’ choices and other uncontrollable factors. It is just impossible to control… I know NONE of this makes any of it any easier. Life is such a beautiful, ugly, scary, wondrous, painful, ecstatic journey.. accepting it in totality is the hardest thing, I struggle with it almost daily, and I have not lived through what you have! You are doing so wonderfully. MUCH much love xxx
Jennie – I don’t really know what to say and I suspect that nothing I could say would particularly help. Please don’t blame yourselves. The truth is no one really knows why these things happen. Am thinking of you all constantly and sending positive thoughts and prayers x
I have no words that will ever bring you comfort, as I don’t think the words exist. But I think about you all every day. I’m sorry you’re questioning yourselves and your actions, and I am sure this is part of the horrible ‘process’ you’re having to go through. I wish, with everything I have, that you didn’t have to go through any of it. All I have is my love and my thoughts, and although that’s not much, I’m sending them to you xx
I am so sorry for what has happened, and yes , there are always going to be ifs and whats, BUT it is not your fault. Anything bad happens in our life, once we start looking back, we do think about how we could have done differently, it could have saved lives, or just simply would have made things very different. But in the given moment we just do things the way we do and there is an outcome, that outcome is our future and our life. We cannot turn back time however much we want to, but we can settle with our present and our future and try to get on with any sadness or happiness it brings with it. I always thought that bad things do happen for a reason and it is mostly true, even though sometimes those bad things are heartbreaking. Sadly Matilda is not the only baby who has became an angel and little star in the last couple weeks and looking down at us. But you as her loving mom, created something in her memory and through your grief that will save many babies lives or at least might prevent more tragedies happening.She and you also touched many peoples hearts with your love and care and you will continue to do so. I know it probably doesnt make any sense and it will never do, but things just happen in life, good or bad, sad or happy things. they will make us who we are and who we will be , maybe even better or different. We can all thank a lot for your little Tilda already and i know it doesnt ease your pain, but i hope you will not blame yourself for very long . You shouldnt . She wouldnt want you to. Today my husband told me i should not think about the stories i hear all the time, the things happen to kids, because it makes me a mad woman running around the house checking if everything is ok or the kids are ok. He is right. We can do as much as we can, but it wont always prevent things happening. So we do our best but at the end it all comes down to life and what the future plans for us isnt it? What im trying to say with this is that please please carry on being the super parents you are but dont drown yourselves in worrying. hugs to you all. x
I agree with all the above comments, you both are not to blame!!! Just ask yourself were you any different with Tilda than U were with the twins im sure you gave the twins extra blankets. What i would like to add is look at all the wonderful things U and baby Tilda are doing now to make sure another parent/child doesn’t have to go through what you have to each and every day! She IS very special!
I feel so sorry as well! It is hard, just do not blame yourselves. SIDS is something horrible, and as it was mentioned above nobody knows why it happens. Just keep beautiful memories of your beautiful girl and know that she is always with you guiding and protecting. Leave all bad thoughts behind, it will be easier for her out there. Lots of hugs!!!
Oh Jennie, you and David could not have forseen what happened, had you have known you would have done everything in your power to prevent it, but life doesn’t work that way around. It is terribly cruel and devastating, but it is the way it is 🙁
Please know you did like most parents do, love chrish and care for your three children, and that is all you could and should have done.
Please know that many many parents do as you did, every single night and all is fine. myself included, there is no one thing which could have saved Tilda, and nothing can turn back the clock no matter how much we hope and wish for it to.
It was Tildas time, and for reasons no one will ever understand you have been choosen to walk this path.
Everyone is right here with you tho, and Matilda will never be forgotten, your blog right here will make sure of that and in time as the days pass into years things will change, and you will be in a different place to you are now, your love for Tilda will never go away but the heartache will hopefully ease a little, no one knows where our futures are heading just yet but that is what life is about.
xxxxxxx
You cared more for her from conception onwards than most of us have experienced in a lifetime! We all wish fate had taken a different turn that night. But we all know it was fate, not anything you could influence. You could not have loved and cared for her any more or any better for any moment of her existence. Keep going, keep breathing, you’ll get there.
I can’t begin to imagine what it is for you to have lost Matilda and all the little things that made her your own baby Tilda and were so special. But I understand a bit of wanting to turn back time, if only… I have been down that road too. I learnt only much later that it’s part of the grieving process, that these questions torturing me and going round over and over in my head were a normal way to cope with something which I thought, at times, would drive me mad, literally. In spite of what you might think you’re doing so well Jennie xxxx And writing all that you feel in your blog with such clarity, sensitivity and intelligence is just amazing.
Thinking of you xxxx
I am so sorry you are having these feelings & thoughts…. I am praying they are replaced with a overwhelming peace for you. It is very obvious to me from the beautiful things you write & the way you express yourself especially concerning your three children that you & your husband are very kind, caring & loving people who are fabulous parents….. Remember this – it is the truth & some of what you are thinking is a lie….. I still wish I could make it better magically though. Bless you. Xxx
The ‘what ifs’ must be heartbreaking. It is all heartbreaking, but thinking you could have done something differently must be particularly cruel.
My parents had a friend (met through NCT) who lost a baby to SIDS. She was walking with her baby in the pram and her baby just died in front of her eyes. Truly devastating story, but I hope it shows that there is a good chance that nothing you could have done differently could have made things different.
I’m thinking of you a lot and my heart aches for you.
Oh Jennie, So sorry you are having these tormenting, torturous thoughts!
There are some things beyond our control. I hope you find enough faith to believe that this was one of those and that there is a higher reason for Baby Tilda being taken from you when she had barely just arrived… and I know even this faith will not make the pain of your immense loss any less.
So so sorry! Sending you virtual hugs.
Jennie, your blog is amazing and inspired me to make a little donation last night. It also gave me the kick in the bum I needed to remove all the risks (things hanging in baby’s cot etc) just in case. What I want to say is that Matilda Mae has made a little difference in my life that could be a big difference. Your blog is so important. It is written so from the heart that it hit me really hard. Never blame yourself for what happened to your little girl, you are clearly an amazing mum and not in the least to blame – as others have said it’s beyond our control. I just wanted to say that, for what small comfort it must bring, Matilda Mae is making a difference. Big hugs and thank you to you all x