Today is Mothers’ Day.
I have already written a post about the day in general but I want to tell you now how our day has been.
It has not been easy.
At all.
There have been tears.
Cross words.
Totally unnecessary shouting at toddlers.
A door was punched.
More tears.
Stars.
Bubbles.
Beaches.
Sea.
And we even managed to squeeze in a train!
I thought today would be okay.
We would get up bright and early, head out the door straight after breakfast, have a lovely but chilly morning by the sea before joining our extended family for lunch.
In reality I woke with a heavy heart and an angry bubbling beneath.
I knew from the moment I woke that the day would not be what I had planned.
And it would be my fault.
My feelings would let my family down.
I was a selfish mummy, too busy grieving for a daughter no longer here at the expense of the children still in my arms.
I shouted at Esther and William today.
For no other reason than feeling angry that Tilda was not with us too.
I tried shutting David out but he would not let me.
Today was supposed to be so different.
We tried to write a card for Granny at breakfast.
It was difficult to find the right words.
To tell her how much she means to us all.
How we would be nowhere without her.
She has kept us afloat these past few weeks.
Quietly ensuring that everything that needed to be done was done.
We could not have got through the last five weeks without Granny.
Today was her day.
Yet David and I at one point were not going to make it out of the door.
It all started with the writing of the card.
From David and Jennie and Esther and William
And a six pointed star representing our star in the sky.
Baby Tilda high in the sky.
I could not understand why David’s tears were flowing so freely.
This day was a day for mothers.
But of course it is a day when fathers do things for the mothers of their children, on behalf of their children
One of our children, his children. is dead.
Of course he was going to be sad.
He had to try and do my mothers day
With our Baby Tilda in the sky.
We hugged and we cried.
How we cried!
Sobbed in each others arms.
But we did eventually make it out of the door.
For Tilda.
For Granny.
We drove to Hastings where it was bitterly cold.
We walked along the seafront to the miniature railway and were lucky enough to have a ride on Diesel!!
Esther and William thought it was wonderful to see Thomas at the station too.
I don’t think their train obsession is going to be going anywhere for a while!
Railway Children
After the train we had a lovely lunch.
Esther and William adore spending time with their cousins.
I was okay most of the time.
I crumbled when David started to talk about business with his sister who works with him.
I could not stop the tears.
Fear and grief and love and loneliness.
Pouring out of me.
Streaming down my face.
Dripping off my nose.
Uncontrollable silent tears.
I am dreading tomorrow.
I am terrified.
David starts working properly again tomorrow.
Although he will not physically be going anywhere as he works from home.
He will mentally be moving on.
Losing himself in his work.
Getting back to normal.
Matilda is my normal.
I cannot get back to her.
Everything I do I normally do with Tilda.
Everywhere I go I normally go with Tilda.
Every decision I make is based around Tilda.
I always put her first.
Without her there is no normal to return to.
I feel like everyone will be moving on.
Everyone except me.
I will be getting left behind.
Lost.
Wondering ‘Where has my normal gone?’
My normal is up in the sky.
Baby Tilda died.
Baby Tilda is high in the sky.
And after our lunch we let her know that we were thinking of her.
We took to the beach armed with our bubbles.
Baby Bubbles and Stars
And blew Baby Tilda kisses to the sky.
Beautiful bubble kisses.
Carried away to heaven on the brisk winter winds.
Esther and William truly believe that Matilda will find the bubbles up in the sky.
They said that they could see her today.
That she was looking at them out of a window in the sky.
They talked about her a lot today.
About Baby Tilda up in the sky.
Catching bubble kisses on the wind.
Being by the sea makes me feel close to Baby Tilda.
I am sure that William feels the same.
We ran along the beach together with our golden star wands.
Running out to the sea.
Together for Tilda
Followed by a beautiful battalion of bubbles.
Parading across the beach.
Marching out to the sea.
Saluting the sky.
Searching out our precious Baby Tilda.
And telling her we are here.
By the sea.
Trying to find her and feel close to her.
Blowing rainbow bubbles.
Kisses to show we care.
We love you Baby Tilda.
Big Sister Bubbles
Our stars and bubbles are kisses for you.
Bubbles and stars for Baby Tilda.
Always.
We miss you x
Tilda Bubbles
I’m so sorry today wasn’t how it was meant to be, in more ways than one. I’ve been thinking of you
xxx
My tears are flowing for you again! But you made it through this hard, hard day. I’m so proud of you. And I’m so happy you were angry, and I’m so happy you cried….because you can’t fake your way through grief. You just have to go through it’s evolution. I think you’re doing great. And your grieving process is like time: it doesn’t stop for one day just because we humans decided today is to be called Mother’s Day (insert Birthday, Christmas, May Bank holiday or any other day!) You did just great today. Just perfectly. Lots of love xxxxxx
Jennie my heart aches for you. We blew bubbles for Matilda Mae today and I thought of you often. xx
Am so sorry today was so hard for you. Have been thinking about you too today. X
Big hugs to you. I have thought about you a lot today. Your day may not have gone as you had planned, but you have done well and it is good and healthy to allow your emotions to flow and acknowledge your feelings. You are a brave and courageous soul and a great mummy to your children even if it didn’t feel that way to you today. I will be thinking of you tomorrow as David returns to his work.xx
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I went to church today for the first time since I read your blog and learned of Matilda, during communion we sung Make Me a Chanel Of Your Peace, so I lept up and lit a candle for baby Tilda. I was at All Saints Church in Hastings Old Town so it was lovely to hear you were there today too x
I too believe that Matilda can catch the bubbles and was watching you all today.
It is so hard when you feel that others are moving on and you are being left behind still deeply in shock and full of questions. Never stop talking about Matilda Mae and others will not feel scared of mentioning her name in your presence.
Sending love and hugs for tomorrow xxx
Been thinking of you all day today. I have no words to comfort you. I’m just so sorry that it was such a bittersweet day for you. I really wish I could wrap my arms around you again and give you more hugs. Hate that you live so far away xx
you have never been far from my thoughts today……such a wonderful thing to do today – it sounds to me like you have done really well – it is such a short time & you are getting out of bed in the morning which must be the most hardest thing to achieve. Little by little… Step by step…… Take things really slowly…. I am so glad you have family supporting you – thinking of you for tomorrow. Much love to you all xx
I’m so sorry today was so difficult for you both. You and David are both so strong and brave and are incredible parents to your 3 beautiful children. But you will have days when you don’t feel so strong and brave and its ok to have all these different emotions. Don’t bottle them up.
I’m glad you went on the train with Esther and William and blew bubbles for Tilda. I love the image of Tilda watching you all from a window in the sky. Esther and William won’t remember the shouting or the tears. They will remember a day by the sea, trains, and bubbles for Tilda xx
Jennie bless your heart – I have stumbled across your blog and my heart breaks for you reading your words especially today….I am praying that God brings comfort and peace to you and your family xxx
so beautiful xxx
A beautiful post as always Jennie. I have been thinking about you all today. You are truly amazing.
I have thought about you so much today. I was going to write about my thoughts and things that have happened, but instead I just want to send you my love. It sounds wonderful that Esther and William love blowing the bubbles to Matilda so much and they can see her smiling to them. I wish sometimes we could see the world through children’s eyes xx
This had me fighting back the tears, today must have been so hard for you especially. Sending lots of love and strength your way x
Thank you for sharing this honest and emotional experience. You were on my mind today in church as we celebrated mothers and those who mother us. What a beautiful way to include Baby Tilda in your day, with bubbles and a trip to the sea. But as always, I am sorry, so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Much love xxx
Sending you all my love Jennie, so sorry today was so hard for you xx
You are always in my thoughts. xx
You and your family are very strong and loving. You are trying your best to enjoy days while your heart is broken. Not selfish in any way and you have the right to cry or shout sometimes, even if it doesnt seem ok for you. Im sure you are a fantastic mom to all your kids , and will be so forever. Esther and William are very clever little kids , they do express their feelings and what they think about Matilda Mae, its beautiful . You bound to have sad and heartbroken days and it will be better or easier as time passes, at least i hope so for you . I have only came across your story a couple days ago and been in a daze since than, looking at things very differently. Matilda May and you as her mum, made me think about how i spend my time and what i do with my kids, to treasure every minute even more than before. Reading your blog from the beginning brings me back to times when my now toddler boy was in ICU after birth and i also think differently about my sleepless nights now when my 9 months girl keeps me awake. You are an inspiration and my heart is very sad for you while i read your lines to baby Matilda, but i hang onto every word as they are so full of love. Your kids will be very proud of you when they will read through your words one day. Be strong and look forward to days with an open heart Jennie, dont forget to give time for yourself, you will find a way to get through everything with tears and smiles. I hope you dont mind i wrote so much, i have been thinking about you a lot these last couple days and sending you and your lovely family hugs. Im so sorry for what happened to you. x Reka
I am so sorry today was hard for you. I’m with the twins, i believe truly that the bubbles will reach Matilda in the sky xxx
You touch so many people with your honesty and truthfulness. My thoughts have been with you and your family throughout today, bubbles everywhere for Baby Tilda x
I’ve been thinking of you all day and reading this has had me in tears. You are amazing parents to be so strong. Hope to see you soon. Love Rosie.xx
I’m sorry today was hard and I’m glad that Mothers Day is past and no longer hanging ahead of you. In your pictures – the 4 pics together – doesn’t William look so like his Daddy?! I hope the bubbles reached Tilda. I’m sure she was watching over you all today xxx
Today should have been different, unfortunately it is forever going to be different now. I’m sorry for the terrible, conflicting emotions you’ve had. I know you’re scared about tomorrow, and rightly so, you shouldn’t be having to do this. Life is crap sometimes.
Thought of you today and what a great mother you have been to Esther and William over the past few weeks, still putting them first and enjoying their lives despite your immense grief.
Happy Mothers Day to a truly fantastic Mummy! xx
I have tears in my eyes again Jennie, such a beautiful post, somehow knowing you went to Hastings, the town where I was born and grew up, makes me feel even sadder for your loss and closer to you all too. I wish your day could have been as you wanted, or as it should have been with your beautiful Matilda happily playing and giving you hugs and kisses. Sending love to you all, Daniel.
My dear 🙁
It does get easier. Sometimes I want to say ‘sadly, it does get easier’.
The firsts are just a bitch, no way round that. Awful. I’m so sad for you 🙁
Always here.
i am sorry that the day was so bittersweet. Wonderful photos of Esther and William Blowing bubbles filled with love and kisses to Baby Tilda i am sure they did reach her. I thought a lot about you and your family and baby Tilda your always in my thoughts much love to you xxxx