Dear Matilda Mae

It is just a few days now until we will say goodbye to your body.

I have been so confused over the last few weeks.

If I truly believe that you are in heaven then why are we holding on to your empty body?

I know that it was part of you and we must treat it with respect.

But that body is not the Matilda Mae that I know and love.

I went to see your body but I was unable to stay.

You were not there.

The body was empty.

I could not stay by it without you there.

I am sorry if my actions let you down.

I am writing to you because I want to tell you how much I love you and miss you.

I miss you every day.

When I wake up in the morning, I miss finding you there.

Staring at me waiting for me to wake or impatiently prodding my face or helping yourself to milk.

I miss the times we had in bed while Daddy was downstairs with Esther and William.

Those early morning snuggles were the best!

I miss having you on me. The weight and warmth of you.

I feel cold and empty. My balance doesn’t feel quite right.

I miss feeding you and watching you and stroking your face.

I miss blowing on you to make you smile and hear your giggle.

I miss talking to you and kissing your head.

I miss having you close.

I think about all the times I complained about how clingy you could be.

I didn’t ever really mind you know.

I was just always trying to get stuff done.

Now I realise that none of that stuff mattered.

Only you.

I think about how hard we tried to make you sleep in your cot thinking it was better for you, safer for you.

Now I wish I had always let you sleep on my chest or across my knee.

There are so many things I wish we had done.

I never did take you swimming.

I am so glad that you met Father Christmas.

I am glad that you experienced snow.

You came on a Henley holiday.

I am so thankful that you had some little friends of your own.

I remember fondly your adoration of your siblings.

I miss you, I miss Bump you, I miss all that you might have been.

I will always be wondering every day

What would Matilda be doing now?

What would she think of this?

What would Baby Tilda look like now?

How long would she have stayed Baby Tilda?

I had such great plans for us Matilda Mae.

I had everything worked out for us until you started school.

What we would do once Esther and William were at preschool more.

The places we would go, the things we would do.

I already had your presents for your first birthday selected.

I knew exactly how I wanted to decorate your room.

You didn’t ever have a room of your own.

You always slept by my side.

I hope that you know Matilda Mae how much I adore you.

I love all my children but just because of how things were you were the one that was mine.

You were always with me, on me, near me, needing me.

We had such an amazing physical and emotional bond.

That is why it is so hard for me now.

I feel like the biggest part of me is missing.

There is a chubby little Tilda sized hole in my heart.

And nothing will ever fill it.

I wanted to tell you that today.

I love you and I miss you

I am not alright

It is not alright

And I want you back

So we can be just like this x

Just as we are supposed to be.

I will love you always Baby Tilda

No matter what x