Darling Baby Tilda

Today you have been gone from us for one whole month.

4 whole weeks.

Saturday 2nd February to Saturday 2nd of March.

I miss you more than any words can say.

My heart has a hole in the exact shape of you.

My beautiful Baby Tilda Mae.

Today you should be 10 months old.

There are so many ways we could have spent today.

Instead you are in a coffin, waiting to be burned.

I am pretending to be happy and making the most of a day that marks your death but also celebrates your life.

I wanted today to be special.

And actually it was.

It was everything I needed it to be.

Sunny, busy, peaceful and filled with love.

Also as the day wore on my chest grew tighter as my heart became heavier and the thought of your leaving us preyed on my mind.

I am not sure that I will ever understand why you died.

Not sure I will ever accept that it is in anyway okay or that life will ever be right again.

I am so worried about your funeral.

That I am not going to be able to say goodbye in a way to make you proud.

I am trying so hard Baby Tilda to never let you down.

Today we had a special day in memory of you.

All day I just kept thinking, Tilda would like this, Tilda should be here now.

If Tilda were here …

I miss you in the busiest and quietest of times.

I love you in everything that I say and do.

You are always in my heart and on my mind.

In this way I am never without you.

I hate the thought of not having you near.

I am so sure that one day this will all turn out to have been a terrible dream.

And I will find you warm and full of breath once more.

As you should be.

Growing older.

Learning and playing.

Being alive.

I love you.

Today was for you.

Everything is all about you.

Today we went to Moors Valley Country Park and in your memory we had the most lovely day.

The best day of our holiday.

The sun was shining and I am sure that had something to do with you.

We met your Uncles and cousins at the park and went off to find the train.

Esther and William were very excited to be riding on a narrow gauge train, with an engine they were certain was Skarloey!

After the train we went to the swings and slide. Esther was feeling quite sad today so enjoyed lots of cuddles while William played. I kept thinking about how you would have been crawling around on the equipment by now and how you loved a swing.

After the swings and slide we fed some swans and seagulls. There was not a duck in sight!

After lunch we went for a walk on The Gruffalo Trail. This was hugely popular with Esther and William. They loved spotting the pictures of the Gruffalo around the trail.

The thing that made Esther smile the most today was Silly Uncle Si dancing around a totem pole. This made us all laugh and I kept thinking about your lovely smile and your giggle. I know that you would have loved this funny part of our day too.

We had a lovely day at the park but as evening drew nearer there was only one place I wanted to be.

By the sea.

Your Daddy and I have always loved the sea and now it is a place where I can think and be with you.

It is a place full of emotion.

It is a place of memory.

This holiday I have ran along the beach, feeling the wind in my hair. I have let the sand drift through my fingers. I have built castles with Esther and William and so so so many times I have written your name in the grains.

William has loved playing in the sand and running to the sea.

Beside the sea.

On the sand.

At peace.

Today as the sun began to set.

Painting the sky with purple and red.

I knew it was the time to send kisses to you.

Our angel.

Our bright shining star.

We blew bubbles.

Coloured kisses to the clouds.

I hope that they found you Baby Tilda Mae.

I hope that each one burst and showered you with our love.

Today has been a day of celebration.

How blessed we all were to have you in our lives.

Tonight the sadness and bitter mystery of your death surrounds me.

Why oh why did you have to die?

I miss you so much Matilda Mae.

I cannot find the words to make people understand just how lost I am feeling without you.

With every bubble I blew today I wished that one of them might find you and bring you back to me.

If only blowing bubbles could bring you back.

If only making memories could turn back the hands of time.

What I would not give to have you back in my arms?

If blowing bubbles could bring you back?

I think I might never stop x