Today I held a death certificate in my hand for the very first time.
The word is there at the top of the page.
Black and bold.
Death.
Baby Tilda is not coming back.
Tomorrow it has been two weeks since I found our daughter sleeping.
Two weeks since her beautiful soul escaped to the sky.
Two weeks since my heart broke irreparably forever.
Two weeks since our beautiful Matilda Mae just died.
She just died!
I am struggling on every day.
I have moments of utter weakness.
I hide my pain as much as I can from Esther and William.
But I fear that I am being a bad mummy to them.
People the world over are loving their children more because of Matilda Mae.
Yet sometimes I can barely stand the sound of mine.
Sometimes I long for peace and quiet to grieve.
But at the same time I am desperate to hold Esther and William close.
And be the best mummy to them I can be.
But I miss Matilda Mae so much.
Her death is eating away at me.
My heart is like stone.
My chest weighed down with the coldness of it all.
I miss my youngest daughter.
I want my baby back.
But today I held a death certificate.
A single piece of paper in my hand.
My heart, my soul, my body crumpled.
As I read the word at the top of the page.
There it stood black and bold.
Clear for all to see.
Telling me what in my deepest of hearts I know to be true.
My baby is never coming back to me.
RIP My Beautiful Baby Tilda
Your writing moves me to tears. Matilda Mae has been in my prayers every day since I read your terrible news. I am one of those parents who holds their babies tighter. My brother died when he was 24 and I know we still feel cheated every day, it’s the ‘what might have been’. You had 9 wonderful months but you are not wrong to feel cheated that it wasn’t enough. You and your family are special, Matilda Mae’s love will live forever.
I know there is no real comfort that anyone can offer, but I wanted you to know that our hearts are breaking a little bit with yours. This is so unbearably wrong. I wish I could make it all better. No mother should ever have to go through this. I’m so sorry.
Oh Jennie, I read all your blogs, and yes, I held Amelia close tonight and thought of you, and every time I read your heartbreak I wish in some way someone would make it better for you. I seriously don’t know what to say, apart from so many people are listening and want to support you. You are a fantastic mum, but you also need to grieve as a family and alone, take the time to do that. Find somewhere, quiet, Matilda Mae is with you wherever you are. Xxx
Jennie,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous Matilda Mae. Your words are beautiful, paying justice to the love and hurt you feel.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most terrible time.
Charlii
Jennie,
I don’t know you, I’d never heard of @edspire until your tragic news came up in my twitter feed…..and now….I think about you and your family lots of times every day! I’m heartbroken for you, devastated at what you write…yet I think you are being so amazingly brave! You should feel very proud at what you’ve done for Matilda Mae since she fell asleep…and Esther and William will grow up feeling an immense pride for you, always knowing how special their sister is! I wish you love and prayers forever….I will be with you on Matilda’s day shining my twitter star!
Lots of love xx
Dear Jennie, I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I too hold my children that little more tightly after reading your beautiful and moving words. You are truly an inspiration and so so brave. Reading your blogs makes me want to be a better person and to be as wonderful a mother as you are. Your beautiful Matilda Mae will always be with you. God Bless you and your lovely family xx
Dear Jennie,
Like many others, you have made me want to live in the moment. I have bought a tuff spot inspired by your valentine’s play. Keep up your very inspiring work with your twins. One day they will be so proud of your driving spirit, before that day, your spirit will be their core. You are a devoted and wonderful mum. My thoughts are with you x x x x
Jennie – no parent should ever have to bury their child. My parents still grieve everyday for my brother who died a week after my boys were born. I can only imagine part of your pain because of the loss of my sibling – hold Esther and William close, as well as your memories of Matilda Mae – you are a wonderful Mummy. Karen xxx
Life is so so cruel. Thinking of you, as always and especially today.
xxxxx
I feel compelled to comment although shamefully it’s the first time I’ve ever commented on your blog, I have always been an avid viewer.
I can’t even begin to understand your pain but hope that you are finding some peace within your writing – it is certainly moving me to tears each time I think of you and Matilda.
If you get any time at all I’d love you to DM me your address (my twitter is illbefrancoise), I have a book that I think would help you at the moment and I’d really like to send it to you.
I keep thinking of a quote I heard a few years ago ‘nothing that can be said can begin to take away the anguish and the pain of these moments. Grief is the price we pay for love.’ xx
I never knew of you until your tragic news broke but now I read your blog and your moving words and wish I could ease your pain. You are very strong , even though it won’t feel like it, and you are the best mummy to all three of your children. Thinking of you x
Jennie, I type then delete, type then delete trying to find the right words to say to you. There is no way to put it into words but I can’t keep reading your blog and say nothing. Just want to send you love and although I don’t know you I think of you every day. You are so strong, an inspiration for many and I pray that you keep finding the strength to get through each day. All my love and thoughts with you x
You are a wonderful mummy. (((Hugs)))xx
Jennie
I had not heard of @edspire before seeing it in my twitter news feed of you sad news. Now i often think of you and your wonderful family, and i am one who hold my children a little bit closer each day. You truly are an amazing mother and lady. your beautiful Matilda Mae will always be with you your children will be very proud of you. love to you and your family xxx
Oh Jennie, it’s so very hard.I’m so sorry you are without your beautiful Matilda Mae. Grieving while taking care of older children is so difficult. Of course there are times you need to just be alone with your thoughts, and equally times when you need to hold Esther and William tight. That balance is terribly difficult.I wish you didn’t have to know this pain. x
Sending you our thoughts and condolences. Inadequate but it’s all we have. Your posts break my heart x
I can’t imagine what it’s been like but I just want to let you know you are still in my thoughts x
I read this with tears streaming down my face, I do not know you but wish I could do something for you. I too hug my Son tighter.
Lots & lots of love to you. xxx
I am so sorry. I found your blog through another blogger. Words cannot express my sympathy. Your words are beautiful.
Jennie, all our hearts are breaking with you xxx
I think about you several times a day, every day. I don’t have words, I wish I did. I wish it could not be true. It hurts to imagine your pain, I can’t comprehend how you are feeling. I am one who hugs her baby tighter. I feel guilty to say it.
Your bravery and courage for the twins is incredible. You are a wonderful mum and I think you are teaching many of us how to be better mums also. Thinking of you, praying for you, hurting for you x
Your love for her will never die, the memory of her will never die; we will all help you remember that she did not live for nothing as she has touched so many lives.