People have talked to me about having a place to be with Matilda and I have always said I do not need such a place because I am already talking to her everywhere. I believe she is with us, around us, as only angels can be.

I do sometimes crave quiet time with her though, with Matilda Mae, and I shut myself in our bedroom and sit on the floor by her cot.

Her cot is now full of her things. The things I do not want to pack away but that I will not want another baby to have. The things that are utterly and totally, entirely Matilda Mae.

Totally, Utterly Tilda Mae

David and I do not sleep in that room anymore. The standing lamp is still on, exactly to the brightness I had when I found her. It has not been touched. It will not be touched until after her funeral when I will come home for my quiet time with her and then, only then, will I turn off her light.

A Light for Tilda

David is making Esther and William a wonderful new bedroom at the moment. I am going to blog about it and document the design and the build for when they are older. It is very exciting.

After that, we will clear and renovate our room. Until then it will stay as it is, Matilda’s room, and David and I will continue to sleep on a mattress on the lounge floor.

Our bedroom has a large bay window and when we redo it we are going to make a window seat. The window seat will also be a chest for storing Matilda’s memories so that I can sit there and look at them whenever I please. On the seat will be a box of her most treasured possessions, her most chewed toys, that will be a gentle but permanent reminder of her.

Tilda’s Box

All of the work in the house is being undertaken by David. He is very talented at design and making things from wood. He made all the bookshelves in our home, our dining room table, The Zoo, a wooden car … He loves a project.

I am a writer and a thinker. But today I have started thinking that I might like to be a gardener.

One of things I have wanted since we moved into this house, our forever house, is to make more of our front garden.

There is a lovely old stone wall, some grass, a beautiful tree and some flower beds.

I have never really known what we should do with it but now in less than a day I feel I know exactly what we should do.

Make it a place where we can all go to remember and be with Matilda Mae.

I imagine a wooden play house for Esther and William with a small vegetable plot and a small flower garden. I imagine that we will look after the little plots together and we will talk about our dear Matilda Mae. I have been given some seeds to create a butterfly garden and I love the idea of watching the first butterflies coming to our blooms. I can see Esther and William sat in the doorway of their little house eating oranges and having butterflies landing on their colourful clothes. I can see me weeding the beds so carefully making them a perfect memory and tribute to our Baby Tilda Mae.

Esther and William love the song In The Garden by AJ Jenkins and I can imagine us working in the garden together singing this song.

I want this little patch of garden to be a place of colour, a place of memory, a place of love.

Perhaps the idea was my Valentine’s gift from Matilda Mae, coming to me on the breeze, telling me what she wants and how she sees us being together in the future.

I am going to make a garden for my darling Matilda Mae.

I am going to make a garden with my beautiful toddler twins.

In memory of Baby Tilda Mae x