My darling baby daughter
I hope you are happy today
I have been collating photos of your cheeky grins and breathtaking smiles
I want to share them as part of the celebration I am planning for you
I have probably spent too much time dwelling on you today
It may have to be less tomorrow
Esther and William are not doing so well
They need my attention too
Esther has refused to go in the bath since Monday
I think it may be because you are not there
She is struggling having lots of people around
Tonight she would not go to bed
I think as she processes all that has happened and all that she hears
She is frightened
They saw you at bed time and in the morning you were gone
It makes me frightened too
We let Esther and William stay up late
Aunty Clare came round to play
Then Esther fell asleep in Daddy’s arms
We put her in her cot where she is sleeping soundly now
William goes to bed just fine but his sleep is very disturbed
They are missing you and mourning you in their own very different ways
William is loving all the people coming to the house
He loves his aunts and uncles and thinks they are there just for him
He is such a funny boy
I hope that you do not mind when we laugh with him
They need our laughter too
William sat with me today and looked at photos of you
He likes to see your pretty face
He saved some cake for you when playing tea parties
He knows that you are in the sky
Way up high in the sky
He asked to see more pictures of Baby Tilda
We looked at so many and you were smiling in every one
Were you so happy all the time because you knew you would not be with us long?
Esther was playing with the baby monitor today
She put it to her ear
I asked her what she could hear
She said she could hear Baby Tilda
These were her exact words
I can hear Baby Tilda?
I can hear Baby Tilda up in the sky.
She’s in the sky.
We loved her.
We lost her.
She died.
She’s in the sky.
There’s an aeroplane up there.
She brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the room
We miss you Matilda Mae
After your funeral my darling
Which I am trying so hard to plan
We are going to have some bubbles
You and the twins love them so
We will all blow bubbles up to the sky for you
Esther and William will have coloured bubbles
You can watch out for them, I’ll tell you when
They will be kisses from your brother and sister
Coloured kisses full of love
We love you so much Matilda Mae
Smile down on us today x
Every ray of sunshine on your face is her smiling down on you, every breath of wind is her giggling, the raindrops are her splashing you from her bath. She will always be looking down on you and loving you. Laugh with the twins for she lives on though them.
You are amazing. Matilda is with us.
The boy and me said it all. She was so happy because she was surrounded by so much love.
xxxxxx
Dearest lovely Jennie
The mummy we all love so
Our hearts are breaking for you
More than you could know
Your pain is overwhelming
The grief so hard to bare
The world should stop its turning
To show how much we care
If we could lift your burden
Somehow lessen the blow
We would stand beside you
Holding hands, we love you so
This time you’re in, this darkness
This frightening new depth of despair
We pray you’ll find sweet peace around you
In time, a way to bare.
You’re heart is quite remarkable
Beautiful, sweet and tender
Inspiration in you, it knows no bounds
Shown for baby tilda.
Your blog posts simply stunning
The words you carefully choose
Show us your inner beauty
Unique and precious it’s true
Your darling sweet Matilda Mae
Smiling, beaming girl
She was too precious to stay here long
Far too angelic for this world
Her nine months here are treasured
In oh so many lives
The mothering you gave to her
The deepest love, it shines.
We’ve followed you on twitter
Checking how you’re doing
We’re looking at all your pictures
Emotional and moving
The mummy world is hurting
Wish there was something calming to say
Just know that we all hold you in our thoughts
Your family and sweet Matilda Mae
Hannah that was beautiful, made me cry but beautiful.
This is so hard to read but such a beautiful tribute to your little angel and family. Because of you so many people are thinking of her and she will not be forgotten – even for people like me who didn’t know her, her spirit just seems to shine out of your blog. Sending you and your family much love and comfort x
Keep writing Jennie, you will be so glad of it. One day you will look back and see how far you have come but you will also be glad of this record of your pain. It will allow you to access grief when you need it. Indulge every moment and every thought.
Your poor twins. They will make it, I promise. You love them so much.
A beautiful post, so sorry for all your pain xxxx
Such beautiful words. I have never met you outside the virtual world but I’ve cried for you every day. My heart is broken for you but at the same time I’m so inspired by how much beauty you make out of your grieving. Amazing lady, I’m learning from you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Much love, Coco (@classicalbabyco) xxx
I firmly believe that your beautiful baby is somewhere, waiting to be reunited with you all one day, many many years from now, I believe, you will see Matilda Mae again, sometime, somewhere. Love to you and your family xxxx
I hope writing these posts is helping you. That was beautifully writing, touching and honest.
(((Hugs))) to you all
Oh Jennie, I am so sorry. I have only just seen your heartbreaking posts and I don’t know what to say. Thinking off you and your little family. Big hugs x
Oh I really don’t know what to say and usually I keep quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing but I can’t stop thinking about you all even though I don’t really know you and thinking how unfair everything is. This post really brought a tear to my eye, it must be so hard to live it all let alone write but maybe in some way it will help you.xx
Jennie you are always in my thoughts, your twins will process this in their own time with you right by their side every step of the way. Help them to play it’s how they process this and make sense of it x
I am so grieved for your loss and awed by your courage in facing the intolerable. What an exquisitely written tribute.
I don’t know how you write such beautiful words with such a broken heart. It’s truly amazing and I hope that it is helping you.And I hope that little Esther will be okay too 🙁 x x x