Dear Matilda Mae

My beautiful baby girl.

How I love you. I truly do with everything that I am and tonight you are breaking my heart.

But tonight I am resolute.

We have to start helping you sleep.

You need to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep on your own. Why do you find that so very hard to do?

We have started trying to sleep train you before but I always fail. I always give in.

People say we have to, we should do, we need to.

People say we shouldn’t, we mustn’t, how could we?

It is hard to know what to do for the best.

My mummy’s instinct seems to always fail me with this one thing.

I hated this with Esther and William. I broke so many times. Just as I am doing now with you.

Is it really true it is being cruel to be kind?

How can something that feels so bad be good? Be right?

It did work for Esther and William. Sleep Training. Crying themselves to sleep.

They are wonderful sleepers now.

That does not necessarily mean that it can be the same for you.

You are nearly 9 months old and you are not getting anything like enough sleep.

It is my fault, I know it is and I am sorry.

You were so perfect when we first brought you home. This tiny little bundle of loveliness and so very special and new. I wanted you to be near me always, day and night. I kept you in my arms as much as I could, as much as any mummy of three children under two can.

Our special time became night time when Esther and William were tucked up in their beds asleep. A time for just the two of us when I could hold you in my arms and stare at you and not feel guilty for ignoring anyone else.

My most magical moments in all my days are waking up to find you in my arms, gazing up at me with your eyes full of love. I love your baby breath on my skin as you sleep. I love the weight and warmth of you in my arms.

At 8 months you still sleep much of most nights in my arms, suckling as much as you can.

You need me to go to sleep and I am sorry that I have allowed that to happen. I am sorry if I am the reason that you find it so difficult to fall asleep on your own.

It was wrong of me to allow this to happen and I should have been less selfish from the start.

I promised your Daddy that I would but it is so hard once you are actually here and so needy and so wanting. I want and need you too.

Our sleepy cuddles are wonderful and the memory of them will stay with me for always.

I know that you won’t remember but I will tell you how close we were at the beginning.

I cling to the memory of those cuddles now as I listen to you scream in your bed.

Sad and angry that I am not beside you or that your Daddy is not there rubbing your back or patting your bottom until you fall asleep.

Daddy and I have been battling each other and going round in circles for weeks and months know, uncertain of the right thing to do to help you get some sleep.

We both want what is best for you but we neither of us know with any certainty how to get it for you.

It is testing and tiring, exhausting for us all.

We need you to be able to sleep on your own.

36 minutes and counting.

That is how long you have been crying.

How long I have been listening. Feeling guilty and wondering if this really can be the right thing to do.

I love you! I cannot bear to hear you cry and know that I am the cause of your upset and pain.

I am so sorry little one.

I am so so sorry Matilda Mae.

I would love nothing more than to snuggle you to sleep every night time and nap time. I would love to sit beside you and watch you drift off to your dreams. But with Esther and William to look after as well, it is just not something that can be done.

45 minutes

After 45 minutes you fell asleep and I burst into tears.

Relief that you are asleep, guilt for letting you cry, fear of what we should do next when you wake.

How can any mummy do that to her little one? Because a mummy has to care for all of her family, not just the littlest one.

I hope that you will understand and know that I did it because I love you. And know that doing it hurt like hell.

If people are to be believed and if you follow in the steps of your siblings, tomorrow night should be easier, you may cry a little less and find earlier the peace of your dreams.

I want you to know my darling that I am always with you even when I am not right by your side. I live every tear and cry with you. I am always listening and I will always do all in my power to protect you from harm.

I love you Matilda Mae. Enjoy your sleep. Sweet dreams x