Today I am feeling disappointed in me.
Our house is chaos at the moment, everything is out of place and everyone is out of routine.
And yet I had still been cross with the children before we left the house, late, for school at 9.15.
William had hit Esther twice, once with a Duplo brick. Esther had smashed the face of a wise man on purpose after being asked to play with the nativity figures gently. Matilda is cutting a tooth and so was just unconsolable unless in our arms. Esther was fussing over her hat and gloves and all the windows were disappearing one by one leaving the house feeling sub zero degrees.
I see myself as a calm earth mama type but the truth is I am not. I have the same fiery disposition as my own mother had, still has.
Anyway, when I left Esther at pre school today she sobbed her heart out and I cannot be sure it is not because we had words this morning.
Her wonderful keyworked consoled her and they did manage a smile and a wave before I reached the gate but still I found myself sobbing in the car and hating how I had dealt with the morning.
Why did I lose my temper?
I love my children more than all the world and I want to be better for them.
With Christmas just around the corner, a new year will follow soon behind and things are going to change in the Edspire household.
Here are my resolutions to make next year a better year, me a better me and mummy a better mummy. Before I know it it is going to be 2014 and Esther and William will be starting school.
Every day I am losing precious time with them that I can never get back.
I am going to start making the most of it, for them and for me.
Here is my plan.
To make more efficient use of my time.
This is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. It hinges really on Matilda staying in her own bed through the night and eventually going into her own room. I want to be up and ready by the time the children get up in the morning. They tend to wake about 7 but we do not get them up before 7.30 and many mornings they do not wake much before 8. I want to get up at 6.00am and have a shower and a cup of tea. I am not great in the mornings and I think having an hour to myself will help me feel much more human. I also want to go to bed an hour later which I have started doing really over the last few nights. Disruptions from Matilda aside I am getting more sleep now than I ever did when I was teaching. I used to plan and mark til midnight before even thinking about bed and I would be in school before 8 each day. I can function on less sleep and gain a little more time for me. I think it would make a huge difference to how I deal with situations if I was fully awake, dressed and had a shot of caffeine. I may even save my pennies and buy a coffee machine for a luxury morning boost! David disagrees with all this and thinks I need to sleep more but I know me, I know how I am feeling inside and I want to be up and ready to face the day before I face the children. I don’t want to be the last person to get ready meaning some days I am doing the school run without having brushed my hair or cleaned my teeth or found a coat! I think going to bed at 11 and getting up at 6 is not unreasonable, especially when Matilda learns to sleep through. It will be a very generous helping of sleep.
To only use my laptop when all three children are asleep
This is going to mean less blogging, less Facebook and Twitter. But it is time.
If I have 10 minutes with a cup of tea in the morning and then a couple of hours at night I think I can still aim for a blog post a day and keep on top of emails. I spend far too much time wasting time with social media and that is going to change. I do not have a working phone so that is not a worry but it is time to step away from the laptop.
I am going to set it up on my desk and use it only when the children are not around.
I am also declaring Saturday a completely laptop free day and am going to read a book or watch a movie on Saturday evenings. I am hoping that David will join me. And I am hoping that one Saturday a month we will have a date night where we can go out for a meal or to the cinema. Just the two of us. We have not really been together all that long. We have spent most of that time doing IVF or being parents. It is time to make just a little time for us.
To make a rota of household chores for myself and stick to it
I am going to plan a few jobs for each day and make sure that I do them. It needs no mor explanation than that.
To Have A Weekly Plan and Display It
To plan each week with the children like I used to do when teaching. Collecting and collating all the resources that we will need to do cooking and crafting through the week. Planning what people will wear. Organisation is the key I think to a happier household. I already am quite routined and organised but I am going to be even more so for 2013. I am also going to share my plans by printing them out for the playroom so we can talk about the day ahead at breakfast.
To Make The Most Of Me
Saturday night will be my night with David and Sunday is going to be a night for me. I am going to have a bath with my book and a Baileys Hot Chocolate on a chilly night. Perhaps a glass of Cava in the summer. I have not had an alcoholic drink for as long as I can remember. I think I am ready to try a tipple again! I also want to wear just a little make up each day some mascara and some lipgloss and make sure I get dressed in to proper clothes. Not maternity lounge wear that I can often be found in now even though Matilda will soon be 8 months old!
As I have been writing this David asked me what I was doing and when I told him he did not seem convinced that I will make any change. But do you know what I am really going to try.
I want to be a better mummmy.
I want to be a better me.
Great resolutions.
One thing I would say is, there is no need to blog every day. I am reforming to 2-3 posts a week and all my ranking scores and stats have gone up, not down. So don’t feel that stepping away will mean things dropping you might be pleasantly surprised.
I’d also say to you is don’t aim for perfection. You have such high standards and you are doing a fabulous job. We are all shouty, impatient mummy from time to time, and that’s kinda ok. If you recognise it and take a step back, then its all good.
I’d give anything to have more than one child. So next time William whacks Esther with a duplo brick, just smile and be grateful that the only other human to whack with a brick isn’t you 🙂
It all sounds positive to me (not that I could be that organised :)) It does make a diference to have time to yourself. I might only have one child, but she is beyond clingy and I’m emotionally spent at the end of each day. So I started doing what you said – getting up before her – and it is a much bettter way to start the day. I feel in control.
As for blogging less, go for it! Your life and happiness are more important and you will probably feel less pressurised as a result. Best of luck xx
It’s great to have a plan and something to aim for. But make sure you don’t use it to beat yourself up and make yourself feel bad on days when you don’t get there. The totally together and organised mum of three toddlers does not exist, she is a myth. So don’t worry yourself that you don’t measure up to her – be kind to yourslef and be nice to your babies. I would only have one rule, pamper yourself daily. Then you can keep your sanity for dealing with the rest of it x
Hi, these are great resolutions because you’re being quite specific about what and why you want to make changes, so I think that’s always the best step forward. I like all your plans, especially Make the Most of Me — something I think pretty much all new(ish) mamas can relate to. I’m still working through my own resolutions to refine them and also making resolutions with my kids. My 6-year-old said his resolution for 2013 was ‘Do my Best’ which I just thought was perfect! Happy New Year x
I think Debbie is right. You seem to set yourself very high standards and use it to beat yourself up as a failure when you don’t achieve them. You are so not. Part of making the most of you is about giving yourself permission to have days off being perfect. You are not perfect – nobody is – and you need to give yourself a serious break. Enjoy your children rather than feeling you need to structure all your days so rigidly. Are you going to beat yourself up if you plan clothes and the weather changes wildly so they are inappropriate choices? I think you need to learn to go with the flow a bit. Organisation is good – people say I am and I laugh inwardly because I am so not in many ways, but I give myself permission not to be organised some days (like today) and it’s bloody fab to have a day off sometimes.
Another comment I will make is about making a rota of household chores for YOU to follow. Just you? Really? What about your husband? He lives in the same house, doesn’t he? Why can’t he agree to do a few chores? I don’t think it is unreasonable for him to do his bit. My OH does – he just does certain things rather than me have to ask him to do it. My children do a few small chores too but they are much older than yours.
To be fair to David he probably does more round the house than me at the moment. He is just an uber able person who takes everything in his stride. Very unlike me. I am hoping my resolutions will make things more balanced in that I will do more round the home and with the children and get my confidence up so I am able to do that and do things like take all 3 out on my own to say a park or gardens or shops. Or something x I think people think too nicely of me x
I told you I was reading your blog from the start but I’ve been hopping here and there… I love the photo in this post. You look so happy.
xxxx
That is a very little Esther x And I was happy then x