This time of year is a bit funny for me.
This time two years ago I should have been starting my third trimester of pregnancy with twins.
Instead I was trying to recover from major abdominal surgery whilst spending every waking moment watching two tiny babies, each fighting on alone in their steamy plastic incubators.
My babies had been born too soon.
So now Esther and William are two but they shouldn’t really be two until October.
This time in 2010 they should not really have been born but they were.
Giving birth at 27 weeks is frightening.
No one can tell you whether your babies will live or die.
No one can make any guarantees or promises.
No one really knows what to say.
The journey through NICU is a terrifying one.
It is something that you never forget.
Particularly when you know that you are the reason your precious babies are there.
It is an alien introduction to motherhood.
Not able to touch your own child.
Having twins in NICU is hard work
Which baby should I sit with, sing to, look at?
There is a soundtrack to life in NICU
Beeps and buzzers and whispered tones
Doctors conferring, nurses deliberating, parents praying
It is always hot in NICU
The days and nights there are physically exhausting
Mentally and emotionally draining
Lonely though you’re never alone
It was weeks before I was alone with my babies
A precious moment I will never forget
Our journey through NICU was the longest time
Yet the tiniest fraction of our lives together
59 days
7 weeks of moving ever closer to the door
So many mornings not knowing what we would find at the hospital
Good days and bad days
Steps forward and back
Needles and long lines
Tests and transfusions
Tears and frustrations
Fear and guilt
Love and gritted determination
So many nights
Sleepless
Expressing milk for tiny babies in somebody else’s care
Longing for cuddles with empty arms
Yearning for kisses with bursting heart
So much love
Waiting
Wanting to bring our babies home
This is a funny time of year
Reliving our journey
The highs and the lows
Wondering how it might affect our beautiful children as they grow
Wondering how to tell them
Why this time is a funny time
A funny time of year
What a great post, says it all. I find it hard from Mid May when Gemma was born until the August when she should have been born. It makes you realise how long a time it really was and they should have been warm and cosy growing inside us not outside getting poked and prodded.
I can’t imagine splitting yourself between the 2 of them in nicu.Were they all beside each other? There were triplets on our unit with Gemma, they progressed at different levels and often were in 2 or 3 separate rooms. 2 went home together but one was in much longer as struggled to get off CPAP, can’t imagine how that felt as their mum couldn’t visit Iona very often with the other 2 at home although she did come in a few times with the other 2 and plenty nurses on hand to have a cuddle from the “big ones”.
They look like they are doing very well and hopefully no lasting effects of their early arrival.
We will never forget but hopefully easier to deal with as they get older. Gemma has now been signed off by the neonatal unit after her 2 year corrected check. Actually quite sad about that, was a nice safety net to know they were there.
Hugs
Sam x
Brings back lots of memories reading this. It really is the hardest thing, having babies in the NICU, and having two to split your time between. For a few days my two were in different rooms because they needed the intensive care cot for another baby – my little boy was well enough to go into HDU. That was awful. We were only there for 3 1/2 weeks but it felt like forever – I can’t imagine 7.