It is 7.58am. I am sat in Maidstone, in a new Costa Coffee. I am alone, watching the world go by and feeling a little nervous. I am out on my own! I have a large skinny mocha and my laptop and I am not moving from here for an hour. I do not have to entertain any babies, change any nappies, referee any disputes over toys. I do not have to pretend I am happy when I’m not. I have on clean clothes free from spit and dribble. I am having an hour of me. And do you know what I think on a regular basis this would be enough. One solitary hour in a day that was mine to just be me. Alone with a coffee and a book or a laptop. That would be bliss! It would be more than enough but today it is not nearly all! I am so excited because today is a day all about me!!

At 9am I am going to a salon to have my hair cut and coloured ready for our wedding which is 3 weeks tomorrow! Last night I finally settled on THE style for the day and today is all about getting my hair just the right length and colour in the right places to make the style looks its best. What luxury! My parents are treating me as a combined birthday and wedding treat. I keep forgetting that as well as our wedding next month I also have my birthday, and the MADS!!

I prepared David, telling him that my hair will take the best part of three or even four hours and he said I may as well stay out all day as he will not get much useful done on a Friday afternoon. So I may, I might, maybe, stay out for the whole day by myself??
I will see how I am feeling after my hair.

David is going white water rafting with all his siblings tomorrow so I guess it is okay.

I have been thinking about David this morning. I think that we need to plan in some time for him to do his own thing too. As I was thinking this I realised something, without me noticing I have finally grown up. I am 35 in 5 weeks; it has been a long time coming. But I am a grown up. The thing that made me realise this is that I know that David and I need to do things together, things apart and things with the babies for our relationship to survive. To be healthy and prosper and grow, not just survive. Before this realisation I would insist on us doing everything together. I now see how silly this is and that even the closest of couples and bestest of friends need some time apart to really appreciate what they have in the other. I know I need that time away from my children now too to appreciate them and to give them the focused attention that they deserve.

I had a go at David in the middle of the night, part of this emotional mess that I am going through. I tried to start a row about how he thinks he does more with the babies than me and how I want him to recognise that I do just as much as him. Ridiculous I know! But as I sit here writing this I know that it is because inside I am feeling so guilty because over the last couple of weeks I have had lots of time at the dentist and being ill where I have not been fully functional and he has done more than his share of work with the babies as well as trying to do his professional work and look after me. He is rather marvellous actually. I love him but I also think I feel that he is so much better than me. And really I know that this is not true but lately I have been wondering why someone as wonderful as him would want to marry someone as un-wonderful (?) as me??

All this inner dialogue rages in my head all the time at the moment leading to my increasingly frequent irrational, emotional outbursts. I know that I need to get some help and in fact I want to seek advice. It is going to be a big thing though going to the doctor and asking him or her to help me find the support that I know I need. I want to talk. And the more I think about it the more I think of that there is that I want to talk to someone about. About my life with David and babies, but about my life before that too. I am sure that there are still issues hanging over me from my past that need ironing out to make my future a happier and healthier one. And David’s and the babies’ too.

You can begin to see why I wonder if David regrets the day he ever met me? He could have such a different life with a different girl.
I hate to think how broken I would be if I did not and had never had David in my life. I couldn’t ever be without him now. He is as much a part of me as I am. I guess that is why I am marrying him. He is everything to me and a saint for putting up with me these past months, weeks, years???

I take him for granted every day and that is going to change.

3 weeks from now when I stand in church and make my vows, it will be a proud and joyous occasion but my heart will be solemn because I want to really mean what I say and totally understand the commitment we are making to one another. I am going to be a Henley and I do not ever want to let David or my new family down.

8.24am. An hour is a long time. I am certain that this one solitary hour a day is all I would need to be me x