12.15 My hair is complete. I could make the 12.40 train home if I really wanted to, but I don’t. I don’t think one more hour will make much difference to David; the babies will be having lunch now and then they should go to sleep. I will get the 13.40 train home and have one more hour for me. Selfish or sensible? You decide.

So what to do? Well first, I am going to enjoy a second skinny mocha and then I am going to browse the sales. What a pip!

Browsing sales is not something that can be done easily with a twin buggy so I am going to take one more hour for me.

I hope everything is okay at home. I have come out without my phone so I am not contactable at all. Perhaps that is not the wisest thing I have done?

I love my hair. I want to enjoy wearing it down a while. They’ll be alright at home for one more hour.

Things are going to be different from now on. I am going to be different. I want to be. I want to adopt a more positive ‘can do’ attitude. I know that I am a good and capable Mum but recently I have talked myself out of my abilities. I believe my own self doubt and am afraid of just getting on with it on my own. I wish I could remember when this feeling started, perhaps then I could figure out what the trigger might be and I will be able to stop myself falling down this hole again.

It must have started at some point but I don’t when that was or what.

What made the clock start ticking? The fuse inside that has been getting shorter and shorter until the explosions of recent days. The way I feel reminds me of the character Josh in The West Wing when he is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t think I have that but perhaps our symptoms and reactions are somewhat the same. Perhaps that is taking my obsession with The West Wing just one step too far?

I know I have some soul searching to do. I know there are questions to which I need to find answers. But for now I am going to just enjoy the present moment with my newly highlighted hair falling softly down my back as I browse the summer sales on my own.

And then I will be ready.

I can do this. I can get a hold of myself and pull myself up from the crevice I am in and begin again.

I have so much to be thankful for and lots to enjoy and look forward to.

Let’s begin again!