Oh dear! Another bad day here ending in a tearful discussion with David.

How to move things forward is our main concern.

Things are gruelling at the moment. David has been ill with tonsilitis and now I have it. It is very painful and comes with fever and exhaustion, like we weren’t tired enough already?! On top of that William is ill. He has had a cold for ages now and cannot seem to shift it. His runny nose has led to his skin becoming sore and infected, he now has Impetigo! Esther seems fine, she is teething but full of beans. This makes me sad though because I cannot do more with her as William is demanding so much of my time.

As part of his troubles William is not sleeping well, often awake every half an hour through the night and needing patting back to sleep. The dreaded patting!!

As a consequence of the illness and lack of sleep for all combined with the dentist and other unforeseen occurances I seem to be relying on David more and more which means that we are taking up more of his time and he is not getting enough work done. He feels bad toward me for getting in the way of his work and I feel bad that I am stopping him working. It is so difficult because David works from home and I cannot help thinking that if I am really struggling and he is there then he should help. But now it is is not just when I am really struggling, it is becoming a habit to rely on David more and more. When he is not in the house I cope perfectly fine so I should be able to do so when he is there.

We have talked about the possibility of David getting an office to work in so that we both know our boundaries. A part of me thinks this could solve a lot of our problems, particularly any resentment toward each other and when he was home I would know that it was family time and I can ask for his help without feeling guilty.

This time of illness and constant crying from the babies (William) has led to me feeling worse than ever. I have been trying, badly, to explain to David how I feel. It is not that I am a bad Mummy, it is not even that I am not coping, it is just a feeling of not doing enough.

These are the things that I think need addressing to make things right for me, for us.

I do not want to go back to work but I want a job, a thing to focus on that is mine and that it is genuinely okay fo rme to spend my time doing. I want my blog to be my job. I would like some time each week to work on my blog. I love my blog and am falling behind at the moment with posts and reviews that I really want to write because the babies are taking up all of my time. I would like some dedicated time each week to sit with a coffee, perhaps in a cafe, and a pen or laptop and write without feeling bad. To do this I am going to have to try and find a way to earn a bit of money thorugh the blog to justify the time. If I can make it earn money then David might only work 4 days a week so that I could have one for blogging and perhaps a little shopping!! I think that could be a perfect solution to our problems. I don’t want my time off from the babies to be at the weekend because that is the time when we are all together as a family, and I think that is really important too.

Once a month I think that David and I should have a date night. In a little over 3 weeks time David and I are getting married, but I cannot remember the last time that we had any quality time together as a couple. Between babies, work and wedding preparations just being together comes very low on our list of things to do and though I am desperate for some time for myself I also think it is vital tht we find some time for us.

I would like once a month to have a day where I can go out with just one of the twins. Esther is being beautifully patient at the moment as William is so poorly and taking up so much of my time and energy. I feel that she deserves a special treat. I would like to take her into town on her trike and take her to a cafe for lunch and a play in the park. I would like to take her to a park to feed some ducks. And then the next month I would like to have a similar day with just William. I think it would be nice for all of us to enjoy some focused time. The other baby could be with Daddy. I think it could work quite well?

I think we need a different house. David and I live in a lovely, very old house but it is just not practical with little ones and it has no storage! Babies I have learned come with a lot of stuff and we have no where to keep it. William can now escape the play pen. Clever little chap that he is can unlock the gate and is keen to make a run for it whenever he can. However if he gets out of the lounge he enters the danger zone of antique wooden floors with holes, splits, splinters and rusty nails. If he survives that he makes it to the stone floor of the kitchen. He loves adventuring and I find myself wishing that we had more space in which both he and Esther could roam. It is also a really hard house to keep clean. Even our cleaner finds it hard to do a good job!!

Together with the house is the fact that David and I are both just generally messy people and neither us are very fond of housework. In that respect we are not a good match as we just never clean up our mess. This is playing on my mind a lot at the moment because I really feel we need to sort it out before Esther and William are old enough to start following our ways. I think we need to make a real effort to be tidier.

When I dreamed of what it would be like being a Mummy I knew I was never going to be one that kept an immaculate house as well.

All of these things I think could lead to me being a better Mummy. And being less tired! I want my Mummy mojo back! It seems that we are watching more and more television these days, I feel that I am playing with Esther and William less because I am just so tired, particularly on days of excessive patting or when their naps are not in sync. I feel that we are not going out as much as we were just a few months back. I have not wanted to take William out for what feels like ages now because he is just so snotty all the time! I sometimes set up diferent play stations throughout the day but I seem to be doing this less and less. My patience is not as good as it was.

I want my mojo back! I want to be the Mummy who sets up creative activites, who bakes cakes, who tells funny stories with puppets and props, where has that Mummy gone?

Writing this post has really helped me think things through. I owe David a massive apology again. I am really very lucky that he still wants to marry me!

Can you help me find my Mummy mojo?