Lately I have been wondering if I might have undiagnosed Post Natal Depression (see here). After screaming at David that I hated him and wanted him to leave and never come back I thought it might be time to think about this more seriously. For the record, he had done absolutely nothing to deserve the verbal attack that he received. I can only be thankful that I have such a patient, understanding and supportive other half.

Since that outburst I have been much more in control of my emotions, at least that is how it feels. However, today I have started feeling it building up again. Not in anger or aggression this time but in irritability. Everything is annoying me. The house is a mess, we have too much stuff, the babies need too much patting to get them off to sleep, I seem to spend my whole day tidying toys and cleaning highchairs, it has taken me a whole day to stack the dishwasher and set it going. I am feeling prickly to say the least!

But this is how it starts. I will start to focus on one problem from the lengthy list I feel I have, I will obsess about it in my head until it makes me angry and then I will cause a row. At the moment I can see it all laid out but once it is happening I cannot seem to make it stop.

Sometimes it will take ages, weeks or months, for me to reach breaking point, often times just days.

I think that I can learn to control it. I am sure that it must get better.

I think that the main triggers seem to be lack of sleep, giving up breastfeeding and feeling abandoned by my family. And I am sorry if it hurts my family to read that but I do think it is one of the major underlying issues that troubles me. When my Mum came to stay last I could not enjoy my time with her because I could not cast aside the anger I was feeling that she is not always here when we need someone. I hate that Esther and William will not know their Nairn side nearly so well as the Henley. I felt ostracised from my extended family for years, often still do, from being forced to live apart from them and now Esther and William are going to live the same life, through absolutely no fault of their own. My Mum’s last visit coincided with the anniversary of my operation that led to the very early arrival of the twins and that made my hurt and anger worse as of course my Mum was not in England when I was operated on or in intensive care.

The events surrounding Esther and William’s arrival 13 weeks too soon have been weighing on my mind a lot recently. It bothers me that there is a lot of time that I cannot account for, I just do not remember and I think that I would like to talk to someone at the hospital to try and piece the puzzle together to see if that will help me to leave all the still raw emotions behind. I think it would be good to talk to someone about what life has been like this year. David and I have coped with a lot and we only ever really talk to each other. I feel that I, at least, may need a little outside help.

So I am no nearer to knowing if I am depressed or just feeling what many new mothers feel. How do you know? I wish that it was talked about more. That is what I want to do, I want to talk more, to help myself but also to help others who may be feeling the same and not knowing where to turn. When I first started writing Edspire it was to help myself, my family and others like me who might be travelling the rocky rollercoaster that is the journey through NICU and SCBU with a premature babe. I have lost my focus, a lot, and I want to get it back.

I have decided to use my blog as therapy. Whenever something is bothering me I am going to write about it and also for every grumbling post write a positive one to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings. It might work. I love my blog and I want to improve the content and make it more about me and us and our life. I want it to be more and to work for me in a social, emotional and perhaps even economical way.

My blog is my me time and not everyone can understand that but it is for me and I want to do it the best that I can as I think that this will help me with my self esteem and my confidence which will have huge positive implications I believe for my relationships in the real world.

So much to do, so very little time, and have I mentioned that we get married four weeks from today!!!

Baby awake, gotta go do me some patting!!!

By the way, just so you know, I do love being a Mummy and would not swap moments like these for anything in all the world x