I am wondering if it is possible to have post natal depression one year after the babies’ birth?
I am wondering if I have always had it but have been in denial?
I am wondering if I do not have it at all but am in fact just a horrible person?
I am really struggling at the moment. I have been through periods like this before since Esther and William were born but this seems to be the worst.
I feel so very tired. I am not enjoying anything that I do. There is so much that I want and need to do but I cannot find the motivation to do any of it. Everything I have to do, even just the simple every day, feels so hard.
I love my children so much but am finding them a chore. I seem to be constantly patting someone to sleep or picking food or toys off the floor. I can’t see the fun through all the crap (excuse me) that comes with it.
I love David more than all the world and I am being awful to him. For absolutely no reason at all. He is doing everything he can to be nice to me and he is just making me feel worse because in my head I see it as him being a wonderful father and me being a rubbish mother.
What is wrong with me?
It is all stemming from feelings of being not good enough. I think it might be linked to giving up breastfeeding. I feel that if I do not feed them then what do I do? I can’t do anything else well.
Today’s episode started because William would not eat any tea, now I know it is probably because his teeth are hurting or he is eating less because of the hot weather but in my head I couldn’t stop thinking that this was one more thing I am not any good at, getting William to eat his tea. My thoughts are irrational, the things I say to David make no sense, the rage and fear that I feel come from nowhere and I make him so angry and I know that I am doing it but I just cannot stop.
My head seems to be whirring these days with thoughts of how rubbish I am. I feel so lonely and so tired. And so confused. Why am I so down on myself? Why am I so intent on ruining something so special, making bad out of good? Why?
I don’t know why I feel like this, why I cannot be confident in my abilities as a Mum. Why I cannot be assertive in my role as Esther and William’s Mummy, why I feel so helpless, lifeless and just rubbish.
Now that the episode has passed I can see how ridiculous it is. I know that I am doing okay as a Mum and the bits where I need to improve I am aware of so why I am giving myself such a hard time. I know that David and I make a good team when I am on form. We are good together. Why then do I seem to be doing my best to ruin it?
It is like something snaps inside me that triggers a whole range of feelings, emotions and actions that are out of my control. It is horrible. It is frightening.
I want more than anything to be a good Mummy to my children but at the moment I find myself sometimes almost resenting them and wondering if I will ever get to just be me again. Not that I can really remember who I am or was, I think that might be part of the problem.
Today I just kept thinking how nice it would be to wear make up, have my hair all nice and wear nice clothes. To be dressed up with somewhere to go. Such a silly silly thing!
I am very aware that because of my life circumstances I have gotten to 34 years of age without a very big circle of friends and I am really feeling that now. David is off out for his second stag do soon with a second set of friends. I will be at home looking after the babies and that upset me today especially when he stated that he does not have to stop seeing his friends just because I do not have any. Ouch! But true. He keeps telling me to go out for the night, but where would I go? And with who?
And I have lots of opportunities to make friends, to keep friends and I tend to drive those into the ground too.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
Does anyone know what I should do?
Hi! I’m sat here crying as I read your post, I’m sad that you are feeling like this. I went to the doctor 4 weeks ago with most of the same symptoms and he has diagnosed PND and my baby is 10 months old, I asked the same question – really, after 10 months. I too wonder how long I have been feeling like this (probably since we found out something was wrong with my baby at 20wk scan) and I have since been to see a councillor who has assessed me and diagnosed severe depression and anxiety and I am now on tablets for both.
You have been through so much and sometimes when we have a moment to think, or things are looking up, hidden emotions can show themselves when we least expect it.
I think you should pop along to the Doctors and have a chat – my doctor was very willing to work with me (and listen to what I wanted to do) and work out a plan of action. He understands what I have been through and is very supportive, even agreeing that I didn’t want pills at that point in time (even though I probably needed them then).
I hope you can sort out how you are feeling and get some support by talking to your husband to be and your doctor. As I said, you have been through a lot and especially, now with your wedding coming up, it is enough to make anyone anxious.
Take care of yourself, XXX
Jenny … Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes to all of the questions above. I have had a similar day, in fact I told Craig today that I need a break from Evan, I am fed up with being woken up at 5am, I’m fed up with going to bed feeling all stressed out because I fear him waking in the night, I’m fed up with being the only one who worries about him not eating, sleeping well, scratching his ezcema till it bleeds .. I’m blinking fed up!
Jenny .. every single woman on this planet has a mild version of PMD. I know I have it, some days I just wanna put my head under the covers and not get up. I’m not tired, but I don’t wanna get up, I don’t wanna get dressed, I don’t wanna brush my teeth – I just don’t want to do anything. Today I told myself, get up take a relaxing shower, brush your hair and clean your teeth IN YOUR TIME. Sure, Evan was whining and I could hear him but instead of stressing and rushing to get to him I left Craig to sort him out. I felt like SHIT and so guilty for doing it but I looked pretty damn good and my hair was straight and I was all preened and looking cute 🙂
Girl .. you gotta take it easy on yourself. You’ve had a rough old year, a good one too but you’ve been through so many emotions in the last 18 months there is no wonder you feel crap. You are so right, you and David are a great team. The short time I spent with you, I thought how well you fit together and how fab you cope with the babies.
……….. and as for friends, I maybe a 3 hour drive away but I’m your friend and you are always (all of you) welcome in our home. Maybe next summer when we go on holiday, you guys can come and stay in our house while we are away and use it as a base to go out for day trips around the west country? We’d love for you to do that .. it would be our pleasure.
((((Hugs)))) and big love to you all xxx
Hon, yes it is possible to be diagnosed with PND at this late stage. It can develop later or you may not just have noticed it before. After all, you had a lot to deal with and possibly, the adrenaline kept you going for a good while.
Go and see your doctor. He will get you assessed. How about you try this self-test first? http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp My HV gave this to me when Missy was 6 weeks but I was never asked to do it after Monkey was born (possibly when I could have done with it more!) because I had a different HV.
You may be offered anti-depressants. If you do, take them. There is no shame in taking them and they will make you feel better. It’s like taking painkillers for a headache. They will help you to cope as part of your recovery. Don’t be a martyr and refuse them, please.
BTW, I very much doubt you are a rubbish mother and have areas where “you need to improve”. You love your children, mostly and you want the best for them. That automatically makes you a good parent because bad parents do not care about their children, and do unspeakable things to them. Whatever you think of other parents, NO-ONE is perfect. We all have areas where we beat ourselves up for being failures. If your kids are fed, watered, clothed and loved, they’re fine and that’s all that matters. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do because the materials you work with are unpredictable and constantly changing, it’s unpaid and it’s bloody relentless. There is very little respite, esp at the age your two are at. I can look back and say that now – things are settled but the routine and the time it takes away from you being you is punishing.
At the very least, you could insist on having some you time every week. Time for you to do WHATEVER you want – no-one else. Your OH needs to agree to have the twins for a set period each week and you can go out. I used to go to the gym, go shopping or just have a coffee but time away from the routine did me good. I believe it equips you to get through the rest of the week and help you to feel like you’re being a better parent.
Hope this helps.
Right! Stop it. You are without a doubt one of the most admirable and amazing mums that I know of. What you have done for your beautiful and happy twins is an absolute and beyond comprehensible demonstration of your love for them. You have done everything right and because of that you have two gorgeous children. You battled against all odds to get them here and yes, it means that you might have sacrificed some things a long the way. This is for such a short period of time in your own life but will set them up for the rest of their lives. Their morals and future life-path is being determined now by your dedication and love.
I do believe that you can suffer PND quite a while after birth. For the first 6 months I survived on adrenaline and the ‘aren’t I clever’ attitude. Then I joined a Baby and Toddler group and they are what prevented me from dipping low down. Additionally, I could get in the car and just drive to someone if I needed to. Not driving must be hard work, is that something you can change?
Huge hug, not on your own, what every mum thinks!
I have had many moments feeling like this and only had the one baby to contend with, you are amazing bring up two! It sounds like going to the doctors would be a good idea, there’s no point not getting any help if it’s out there and no shame in it. I totally sympathise with the feeling of wanting to get dressed up or even just have the time to brush your hair at your own.. These things aren’t silly, you need it to keep you sane! When I was on maternity leave I used to irrationally scream at my poor hubby if he brought our baby girl up to see me while I was having my shower and getting dressed on a Saturday morning… I just felt like he didn’t understand what it was like to not even have 10 minutes to yourself… then I’d sit balling my eyes out! Seems so silly. My daughter is now 20 months and I can say it gets so much easier, she can now entertain herself much more, eat her own dinner etc. and is really loving. I’m a lot more rational now!! I also used to feel quite alone, I have a good group of friends but none of them have kids so were all at work and I was nervous to go to any baby groups. Was so pleased once I did though and have met some lovely mums in my area doing that… Makes you feel a lot better to have a gossip with other people as you find you are going through the same things.
Your babies look absolutely gorgeous and you are obviously doing a fantastic job!! I for one feel like I never know what I’m doing, am very far from perfect but I just seem to get there in the end, and anyone who’s not felt they’re having a breakdown of some kind a some point is probably fibbing!
Hope you’re feeling better and get some well deserved time to yourself! xx
WOW! Thank you to everyone who has replied. I am feeling a bit better this morning. Have the dentist to look forward to and a driving lesson this evening. Thikn I am going to try and talk to someone about what happened to us all last year. Think if I can get that straight in my mind it might help. That and encouraging Esther and William to sleep through the night and past 5am!!!! Thank you everyone x
I really think evolution should have worked on getting babies that sleep at night from birth… what a chilled out bunch we’d be then! x
Just read the replies now – you possibly know that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which was accompanied by depression and anxiety. It is a majorly traumatic experience so give yourself credit for having got through it.
YOu might just need a bit of help moving on now you’ve got past the autopilot stage *hugs* xXx
Glad you are feeling a bit better this morning. Please please do talk to someone, post natal depression is a horrible thing (I speak from experience as someone who suffered quite badly after my first baby), and just talking to a professional helped me. If you ever need a chat about it, please contact me through the address on my blog. Emma xx
I can totally identify with all this. What about coming along to http://www.businessmumsunite.co.uk as a guest blogger and having a chat to Elaine Hanzak – she is an expert by experience and is oour keynote speaker, she will be available to talk to people. Have a look at : http://hanzak.com/ xx
Being a mummy to a premmie is a rollercoaster, will they survive, why were they early, was it something you did while you were pregnant so being a mum to premmie twins I cannot imagine how your feelings have been. You concentrate your emotions into caring for these tiny babies and put how you feel on the back burner. These little people then start to develop and grow and develop their own personalities. I have followed your story since your gorgeous babies were born, watched them change and noticed how you are always smiling when you are with them, you seem to glow with pride. You have done an amazing job. You arent a bad mum, you are a normal one, we all have doubts about things with our children and it doesnt change as they get older either………….my little premmie is now nearly 9 and the challenges are different but still there but you never forget those early days. Hope you have a better day today xx
Oh bless you, I feel so bad for you.
You certainly are not the only one to feel that way. I haven’t read any of the other replies above but I can bet that at least a few of them will tell you how they too have felt that way.
And that’s not to diminish how you are feeling in any way. Depression is horrible and destructive whichever form it takes. I would definitely recommend seeing the doctor. You should also tell him about how you feel regarding your lack of social circle too – to me it sounds like you might have a few negative thought processes hijacking your self-esteem. I only say this because what you are saying regarding that is exactly what I have said to myself as I moved to the Midlands and only formed a few close and lasting friendships, and old ones back home fell by the wayside – especially after having a baby. It kind of took me back to when I’d been horribly bullied out school. I’d tell myself there must have been a reason, there must be something wrong with me. But in reality there wasn’t, I’m just not always the most confident person and I’d allowed a few bad experiences to embed negative thoughts about myself.
Your negative thoughts might come from a totally different but I really hope that you can find out where and if not reverse them, then at least recognise when they pop up and force yourself to challenge them. Especially as they’re eating into your confidence as a mum. You’re obviously a great mum and you don’t need to be ‘on form’ for that to be the case. You just are.
You had William and Esther in REALLY difficult circumstances, and you had them both at once (twins, duh!:)) – I have a very close friend who I met on the unit. I can see that no matter how hard I’ve found it at times it is SO much harder with two. And things you don’t consider, like how it would be lovely to take them swimming but how are you going to manage two babies in a pool on your own?
You’re doing brilliantly, but you don’t need your online friends (see, you have friends!! :)) to tell you that, you need to be able to tell yourself it and believe it.
If you want to chat anytime I’d be more than happy to – and I’m really quite shy like that 😉
Take care xxxxX
Oh Jennie – I think everyone has summed it all up brilliantly – you are a great mum, with great kids and partner – and you are all a fantastic team together! But you have been through a lot in the last 2 years, both good and bad which would take its toll on anyone and now you have a wedding which is incredibly stressful despite being a happy occassion. All mums know how you feel to a certain extent, and it is really tough – but you need to work out the baby/life balance that works for you (and its different for everyone).
PLEASE first go and talk to someone, even if it isnt PND it could be just good old fashioned depression and you really need to make a plan to get you out of your dark place and into a bit of sunshine. It is really important that you do this before the wedding as you can also sink into depression after the excitment of a wedding has worn off too – so that on top of how you are feeling now would be awful for you.
Finally its time for your to do something for you – ask David to put the babies to bed one night a week for you and get out of the house to a class or group – art, drama, music, exercise anything. You will make new friends and feel as though you are doing something for yourself which moves you in the direction you want to being going in. It will also enable you to bring new things and ideas into your play with the babies, so they will benefit too.
Please give yourself a hug from me – you know you can call anytime you want to – and you do have friends, lots of them! They may not live where you do but we are all here wishing we did live nearer to take you out and cheer you up! Lots of love and hugs xxxx
Oh blimey – having twins is so very hard. More than twice as hard as having one. It can be such a chore. Sometimes it’s after all the really bad stress is over that it affects you. While it’s happening you don’t have time to break down – you just get on with it.
Do you know many other twin mums? I find it helps to go to the twins club as they really understand what I’m going through.
All I know is that the feelings you are describing DO NOT make you a horrible person. If you do have PND then the pushing people away is a part of it. All the negative thoughts are part of it.
Hope you can start to feel better soon. xxx
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Hiya, I found your link on Mammasaurus’ linky.
I could have written this myself. I was feeling exactly like you at about the same time over the summer, but my baby son was only 5 months ish at the time. I was being a complete bitch to everybody, my three year old included, to my complete shame and horror. It was only when I had a breakdown in the park that I found the courage to go to the docs. It was the hardest appt of my life, hands down.
I know it’s a long time after and this is the only post of yours I’ve read, but, did you go and see anyone? I was put on Sertraline and it’s helped tremendously. I feel like I have the ability now to step back and realise that PND is an illness, and it just manifests itself in my head rather than with any other physical symptoms.
Take care
Steph x
I’m over from the Mamasaurus linky about mental health.First you are not alone nor are you a rubbish mum or wife.All your thoughts and feelings are clearly signs of PND which is often brought on by hormonal imbalance and lack of sleep.You have twins and that is an almost responsibility and pressure for you AND your husband.As breastfeeding making you feel this way, I have to say no.There is proof of this and I know as many formula feeding mums who suffer from PND as those who breastfeed.I saw my Health visitor and doctor who referred me to a counsellor for CBT sessions which I had to wait a long time for.The sessions helped although I would of liked for them to have run over several months and weeks.Talking helps, especially with those who have/are a sufferer too and most of all you will feel relieved that you are NOT alone and you can over come this.