In the past week I have had two lots of ‘Two Little Hours’.

The first two hours were my first to myself in over a year and the second were my first alone with David in over 9 months.

Being alone was really very strange. Just walking to the station without pushing a buggy felt wierd. I crossed the road without waiting for the lights. Daring, a risk I would only take alone. Being able to cross the footbridge and travel in the right direction felt odd. I was not going the wrong way to travel the right way. Just odd. Not entertaining Esther and William all the way to town felt lonely. I was, after all, alone. It was quiet. Still. I had time and space to notice my fellow travellers. I could take a seat on the train with no double buggy to guard. I even read the paper, the Metro anyway. Until I start to realise how incredibly tired I am as my body sinks into the dusty seat and my eyes cannot stay awake or alert in my head. I have time. I notice that my lips are incredibly dry. Am I anxious? I am picking them. My hands are not busy with snacks or toys or holding a precious little bundle of joy.

I arrive in town and head for a shop with magazines. I browse and I start to relax. I can browse! I can cruise the aisles and linger over leaves of text and images. I take my time in making my selection. I take my special treats to a coffee shop where I order a large Mocha with chocolate sprinkles, a chocolate twist and I sit in the smallest space I can find and I exhale. I am feeling less anxious, I am relaxed, I am perhaps even beginning to enjoy myself!

It is 8.30am and I take a blissful half an hour for only me. Coffee, chocolate and a glossy magazine.

As soon as the shops open at 9.00am I am Mummy again and although I am out and about alone I am in fully functioning Mummy mode and so my two little hours were really an hour of solitude and peace before just having Mummy time alone.

I will get better at this. At taking my time, at being myself again. I need to relearn who I am without a baby hanging off of each arm. I need to remember that sometimes it is okay to be me.

Still Me!

My second set of two hours came on Saturday night. David’s Mum and Dad came over to baby sit for the very first time so that David and I could go out. A dinner. A date. Just us. We two. Soon to be husband and wife! We managed a whole three course dinner in an hour and ten minutes before coming home. We were very brave. We went to the pub just over the road. And as soon as our final plate was cleared we headed straight back home! But we talked. We laughed. We can still do it. Still just be us. That came as a relief to me. That as well as Mummy and Daddy, we are still just us. We two and it works, which is good to know before we say I Do!

And we will get better at this. Be braver. Go further. Stay longer.

It is begun, a baby/life balance. We have made a start and though I love my children with every part of me I have to let you know that it does feel good to know that as well as being a Mummy I am still me; and David and I are still we.

Phew!