written 19.8.2010 about 24.7.2010

Today I have been trying to remember what happened after I gave birth to the twins.  I remember being in a daze and Fiona, our midwife, being an amazing source of comfort and support.  I remember rolling or shifting myself from the delivery bed to the ward bed and being wheeled back to the room on the Labour Ward.  I remember seeing a lot of blood!

David was wonderful and with me the whole time.  In his scrubs!

I think that we were both in a state of shock.  Fiona got us a cup of sugary tea and some breakfast, though I cannot remember what.

Then we started to make phone calls.  David’s parents first.  I made the call but David gave the news.  My heart is in my mouth now as I remember making that call.  And to my own parents.  It was just such an overwhelming feeling, so many emotions and just utter shock at the news we were sharing. 

We were parents! We had children of our own!

I am almost crying now remembering those phone calls.  Tears of joy just as that wonderful day when we were bursting to tell everyone our news.  Michele was next and then David called his brothers.  There was no way of telling my sister as she was on a plane on her way from Australia! What a wonderful surprise awaited her on her return!

We texted everyone we knew and waited for the congratulations in reply.

After a while I was able to have a bath.  We had nothing with us.  I was in a hospital gown and paper knickers.  Very glam!  David helped me to have a luke warm bath filled with baby bath bubbles.  It was quite tricky because I was on a drip.  My legs were really hurting where I had tensed and strained so much in the stirrups while giving birth.

My parents arrived as I got out of the bath.  After talking to them Fiona took David and I to NICU to meet our babies for the first time, while my Mum and Dad helped to move my little bit of stuff to Folkestone Ward.

I don’t remember much about seeing the babies for the first time.  I remember feeling anxious and scared.  Anne and Penny were caring for the twins.  After they had told us a bit about them and about the incubators and monitors and machines we brought my parents to meet them.  The babies.  Our babies!

After that Mary and Tony arrived on the ward while my parents were off getting David and I tea and bacon sandwiches, and a twix.  I remember feeling starving!

I also remember my heart breaking as I sat on the ward and realised I was the only mother there without her babies.  The reality hit me then I think.

The babies had come, too soon, too small and I could not hold them, feed them or take them home.  I cried and cried as the enormity and severity of what had happened and was happening hit home.

I felt so many emotions that day – fear, pride, frustration, uncertainty, anxiety, love, sadness, happiness, loneliness and determination.

It was the very beginning of the rollercoaster ride we are still on.

Later that first day Michele came to meet her God children, followed by Clare.

Then David and I went home … without our babies!

Another thing that happened that day was learning to hand express colostrum and collect it in a syringe.  We did some on the ward and I remember feeling very proud delivering it to the NICU.  Those first expressions were very funny.  David chasing little blobs of milk around my nipple with a syringe!  I think we were getting about 1-2mls at a time!  That just seems unbelievable now.

We really do seem to have come a long way in a relatively short space of time.

I wonder what life will be like four weeks from now?