My anxiety is crippling me at the moment
I feel like I am drowning
I feel like I am falling
And there is no one and nothing to break my fall
I feel on my own
Alone
I feel like I am on the outside
Unable to get inside
I feel like I am crying out for help
But no one is listening
Like I am screaming
But no one can hear me
No one wants to hear me
Because it is far better to just believe I am okay
That I will get over it
And everything will be okay
I feel like the spring is coiled so tightly
That even though it is solid and strong
It may snap
And be forever broken
It is carrying too much weight
Being pushed beyond its limits
But because it has always been okay before
It will just keep on keeping on
I am irritable
Impatient
Short tempered
I loathe myself
Want to shut myself away
Curl up in a ball and cry
Driving is an issue
I am back to only driving the very familiar routes I know
I have been so naive for so long
Thinking life would always just be okay
I had no idea everything would be so hard
So relentless
A never ending cycle of problems and heartache
And no time to breathe
Because in spite of all the inner turmoil
I do like the spring
Keep keeping on
The children are fed
They go to all their classes
They do all their work
They are happy in their play
They see their friends
They do all the amazing things that I arrange for them
And take them to
There is no option but to keep on keeping on
But I feel like I am dying inside
I feel like I am just a machine
Going through the motions
Making their world a magical one
But where is my joy
Where are the people doing nice things for me?
I feel like I am just a mother
And nothing else
No one else
And while I love being a mummy
I just always thought maybe there would be more
It would be more
It would feel less lonely
I am so tired
It has been a long ten years
Fertility investigations
Fertility treatment
Births
Deaths
Miscarriages
Prematurity
Grief
I am tired and I need a rest
A break
Some happiness
Some gratitude
Some nurturing
I need to breathe
But for now
I will make a coffee
Set up the tuff spot
Make the snacks
Change the nappies
Sort the clothes
Plan the lessons
Do what needs doing to get through the day
With four small people who need me
And a fifth who I miss
With all my heart
Because that is what mummies do
Acknowledge we are hurting
Say that we are struggling
Then carry on regardless
Because what else is there to do?
My anxiety is crippling me at the moment
I feel like I am drowning
I feel like I am falling
And there is no one and nothing to break my fall
I feel on my own
Alone
I feel like I am on the outside
Unable to get inside
I feel like I am crying out for help
But no one is listening
Like I am screaming
But no one can hear me
No one wants to hear me
Because it is far better to just believe I am okay
But I am not okay
And that is okay
It is okay to not be okay
ps – I am okay
Sometimes I just need to get it out
Let it out
Even if no one if no one is listening
After 15+ years managing depression with the help of my very wonderful Doctor and anti-depression meds that have been life changing, despite me not originally wanting to take them or stay on them, I have decided it is time for more help. I’ve requested, and received, a referral from my Doctor to a psychiatrist. I need to get my anxiety under control. I’m very well aware of the meds available as they work wonders for my child who has extreme anxiety. And I’ve decided it is time for help me for. I am not afraid to say I need help and admit that I can not do everything. I am proud of the team of support workers I have in place for my child with SuperPowers and they help him, and us, live the best life possible and help us be the best version of our family we can be. I am proud of myself for saying that I need more help and that I am seeking it.