Advent With Memories of Matilda Mae

I am trying really really hard this year

Not to cry through the whole of advent

To have a holly jolly Christmas

For my own children

And those I teach

It is so hard

So physically, emotionally and mentally hard

Tilda at Christmas

Life is generally hard without Tilda

With one of my beautiful daughters missing

It is especially hard at this time of year

As I relive all of Tilda’s firsts

That were also her lasts

I may not shout her name out every day

Or bore everyone with the details

Of Tilda’s first and last, her only Christmas

But she is at the fore front of my mind every day

Every single day

Tilda lights up Christmas

Her absence weighs heavy in my heart

And I see a space for her everywhere

In everything I do

Being at school is especially hard

sids8

Stars mean very different things to me than they do to others

Angels are very different for me than for most

Christmas carols harder to sing

The spirit of the season harder to find

This is a time of year for children

And one of mine is missing

One of mine is dead

cheeky baby tilda

And while you may have moved forward

Moved on

Please please know that I have not

And though I can conceal Tilda in my heart a little easier now

The pain of losing her

The gaping hole of her absence

Strikes me down every single day

I miss my daughter

And that will never ever go away

matilda mae

So I will get through all the festivities

I will do all I am expected to do

But behind my smile I will be hurting like hell

Reliving those firsts

Those lasts

And knowing that my little girl never really knew Christmas

She never really had wrapped presents of her own

Never sang a song or carol

Put her hands together to say a prayer

Tilda lights up Christmas

All through rehearsals and performances

Crib and carol services

I am wondering what she would be doing if she were here?

Would she have been Mary in a preshcool Nativity this year?

How would she be?

How would we be?

If Tilda were with us now?

tilda at christmas

As the seashell holds the song of the ocean
So I will hold you
Constantly, gently within
And those who listen closely enough
Will hear your voice in mine
And know I sing for two
For you have filled me full
You live deep in me
And I will keep you always,
Quietly,
Surely
As the seashell keeps the ocean
Author Unknown

matilda the musical

I love you and miss you Matilda Mae

Counting down the days x

4 thoughts on “Advent With Memories of Matilda Mae

  1. I wouldn’t expect anything else. Anyone who thinks it gets easier or that you move on is deluded.
    You do what you need to do to carry on lovely. She is always there with you. Inside your heart.

    And inside the thoughts of many.

    She is a true angel baby. Your baby.

    Sending love and hugs. Xxxxx

  2. I agree – I don’t think you can move on from losing a baby. You just do what you can to cope for the sake of your other children. You manage as best you can, and find ways to get through the hard times.
    Take care of yourself xx

  3. I still think of beautiful Matilda Mae, and of you, all of the time. This time of year brings out the strongest of emotions, doesn’t it? Grief and joy in all of their extremes. Love to you. x

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