And it is back
From out of nowhere
Knocking me completely off my feet
The uncontrollable sobbing
The fear of doing anything
Driving my car
Taking Esther and William to school
Going out to a park
It is back
And it has me in it’s grip
Holding me immobile like a vice
The overwhelming sadness
The heartache
The pain
Where has it come from?
The second birthday around the corner
That will never be celebrated?
The anniversary of Tilda’s ashes?
The fact that I just feel so on my own
Like I am the only one that still misses her?
Not knowing what to do for best about Esther and William’s school?
Hating myself?
Struggling to come to terms with a new baby
Growing inside of me?
The imminent 20 week scan?
All, some, a combination of these things?
A feeling that I am just not good enough
At any of the things I am trying to do
To be?
I don’t know why I am finding life so hard
But I am
And today
It is back
Sweeping over me
Surrounding me
Suffocating me
The fear, the pain, the loneliness
The grief
Everything is not alright
Everything is as far from alright as can be
I feel like I am drowning
I feel like it is just me
Being swept out and under
By a raging stormy sea
I could just let go
And the currents would carry me
Over the sea to the sky
To Tilda
I could just let go
And she would find me
I am hurting today
It is back
Sweeping over me
Surrounding me
Suffocating me
The fear, the pain, the loneliness
The grief
I could just let go
If only I could just let go
I wish I could just let go
Don’t you let go !! Hang on !! Tilda wouldn’t want you to give up, she wants you to be there for her brother and sisters and one day when the time comes you will be reunited…but not yet…not yet ! Sending you hugs and love and strength xxx
You are enough, you are good enough, you are MORE than that, Hang On Tight because this worst storm will pass and you WILL feel able to live and look forward again to feeling some happiness in your life. I know it is a different sort of happiness carried alongside your grief but I feel sure Merry would tell you this worst storm of six-foot-tall waves of grief swamping you will subside and calm will come again and it will be worth hanging on. (You can call me and sob, wordlessly into the phone if it makes you feel any less alone, my love.) xxxx
You are most certainly enough. More than that, you are EVERYTHING to lots of people. You must remember that. I don’t know what else to say, except that I am always here for you x x x x
You must must must hang on x you are everything to all of your children, your family and friends. Days like this, feelings like this are bound to come, take the ground from beneath your feet. But you’ve so many who are here to love, support and remember with you.
You can do this. You can. With us all at your side, you will do this. You are amazing x
Jennie you are good enough. You set yourself impossibly high standards and you are very hard on yourself. I can relate to that so much, but I am trying to learn not to do it because it leads to all the fear and anxiety that just makes life unbearable. Be gentle to yourself. Know that you are loved. Know that reason you have so many people that love and care about you is because you are worth it. Know that you are precious. God made you who you are and that is who you are meant to be. Be yourself because you are good enough. Try to rest in that knowledge. Take care of yourself and when the bad days come don’t put pressure on yourself to do any more than survive them. Get as much rest as you can and just give yourself one thing a day to do or achieve. And if today that one thing is just to keep breathing and get through the day then that is enough. Sending you love and wishing you strength for today xxxx
Within this stormy sea that you are navigating are many lifebelts, lifeboats, life savers, coastguards, watchers, seekers, all of whom are there to save you. To help you to hold on, to reassure that what you feel is normal, that grief does come in waves, that some are bigger waves than others that will knock you off your feet and threaten to drag you under.
You possibly feel that if you did let go it would be easier. You won’t let go. Because you are a mother. A mother to Esther and who need you here now to love them and cherish them, to worry about them, to watch them grow. A mother to Matilda who needs you to be here now to make sure people don’t forget her, to raise money in her name to try and stop this happening to another child, another family. A mother to a growing Rainbow Baby who needs her mother to be calm, peaceful, serene, while she grows. You won’t let go. Because you are a daughter who wouldn’t want to inflict this pain on anyone else, least of all her own mother. You won’t let go. Because you are a wife. To a husband who loves you dearly and who has his own grief to bear, because you wouldn’t want to add to his burden of grief, any more than you feel you can continue to carry it on your own.
You won’t let go. You have too many people who will wade into the stormy sea to save you and bring you back to shore.
You have a barn dance coming up, it all sounds wonderful. I can’t wait to hear all about it once it has happened.
This storm too will pass. You are anxious about your new baby, horrid comments from people don’t help, and you are hormonal. Talk to your midwife, talk to your GP. You won’t let go. You are a Mother. We don’t let go. We always second guess our decisions. Schooling choices are tricky, but with support at home from you and David Esther and William will thrive no matter where you send them or when.
As a mother we always feel we aren’t good enough at what we do, or try to do. I will let you into a secret – we are good enough. We love our children, we give them time and attention, we teach them, we let them grow, we let them develop, we are good enough. We navigate the sea of parenthood without charts with only our internal compass to guide us. Yours is there. It is just covered in the of grief that has temporarily de-masted you.
I hope that you can feel all the prayers, good will, hugs and strength that people send you, even if they do not write / comment. These are your lifebelts.
Much love.
just spotted a typo – William, of course, should have been in the line ‘a mother to Esther and ‘
Oh Jennie. It’s more than likely a combinations of all those things. Any anniversary will always be tough, and you have a hefty helping of pregnancy hormones to make all those feelings even harder and more raw.
Don’t be hard on yourself, take some time. Just breathe…..!
And know that we’re all here for you. And that however you’re feeling isn’t wrong, it’s your path and only you know how to walk it. x
Always here and always remembering – how could anyone forget such a beauty. xxx
Be gentle with yourself Jennie. You’ve been through so much.
Don’t let go. I won’t forget your little Matilda. x
You say you don’t know why you’re finding life so hard…Jennie, you’ve lost a baby – the worst thing any parent could ever face. I’m no expert but you need to hold on. It’s going to be a roller coaster of a journey and added into the mix you have your pregnancy hormones which will be making everything worse. You are enough. You will always be enough. Always. Matilda will ALWAYS be remembered. She will always be loved.
Please know that even though I appear to not be around, I am. I will always be here.
Sending you love xx
Hold on dear Jennie. Hold on tight and tomorrow you will still miss Matilda as much but you will find strength to carry on. You are needed, loved and cherished by so many. Hold on tight and we will help you through xxx
So sorry you are feeling like this, please know that you ARE more than enough. Pregnancy and anniversaries looming probably don’t help matters with heightened emotions too, I know I suffered unexplainable anxiety when pregnant with Alex but didn’t mention it to anyone-I hope you have someone to mention these feelings to that can help you xx
I’m so sorry today has been especially hard. You will make it through this. You will. I won’t ever forget your baby girl xxx
Oh how great it would be to be able to flick over in our head to the next thought, just like we flick through the channels on a telly! I don’t like what I’m thinking, the feelings that thought is bringing on… I’ll just switch over and not go back to that channel again. Ammm, not really possible!
Only thing I’ve found to help is to breath, long and deep, concentrate on the breathe, the breathe you are taking for you and your babies…. to love them, cherish and honour them till your last breath; because certainty is till then.
hard to know what to say, but that we’re all here for you – willing you to hold on and praying for you, for MM, for your darling family always xx