There are only 4 sleeps left in 2013
2013
The absolute worst year of my life
Learning to live after the death of a baby
Learning to live after the death of our baby
My baby
Our beautiful daughter Matilda Mae
Snatched suddenly and unexpectedly
From the heart of our family
Aged exactly 9 months
2nd February 2013
The day my world broke
Beyond all repair
The day that will forever mark
Life before Baby Tilda
And existence after
We are existing without Matilda Mae
I am not sure many people would feel able to call our last 11 months living
2013 has been awful
Truly horrible
Our baby died
Our world turned on end
Friends and family divide
Those that do understand
Those that do not
Those who are there for you no matter what
Those most definitely not
Those who are able to speak her name
Those who it seems cannot
I read back through the posts
From the earliest days
And I cannot believe that I wrote them
I cannot believe that is me
My life
It is like reading a horror story
A sad heartbreaking story
That happened to somebody else
It has been almost 11 months
And I still cannot believe Baby Tilda is gone
11 months on
I am still struggling to be without my baby
And now the year is ending
And it is something I cannot bear
Because next year, 2014
Is a year Tilda will not have been there
No Baby Tilda
Nothing at all
Dead and left behind
Left in 2013
I am not sure I want to live in a year without Tilda
I am not really certain I can
I am not sure I can stand the pain
Of the end of the year
The countdown to Tilda’s anniversary
Reliving our last days together
Reliving our first days apart
Finding her dead
Not being able to save her
Telling the world she was gone
Trying to carry on for Esther and William
Planning a funeral
Burning her body
Saying goodbye
No mother should have to do what I’ve done
No family should live through what we have lived
The pain is too great
The sadness too deep
And everything is changed for always
And only a handful of people in the world understand
That time is not a healer
Time takes her further away
Though we smile and laugh and play
We are not anywhere near to okay
We are angry and desperate and so very sad
We spare you the pain that you glimpse in our eyes
That pain is ours and will be with us til we die
Every step in this life without Tilda
Is walked barefoot on shards of glass
And though this has been a devastating year
I am terrified of it reaching it’s end
I am so scared of the end of the year
And waking up in a year that Tilda cannot see
And knowing that only a handful of people
Have any idea how I feel
This is going to be a lonely lonely
End of a year
Darling Jennie, you are right I cannot understand what you are going through and what I imagine is only a tiny bit of what it is actually like for you and your family. All I can do is let you know how sorry I am and how much I think of you. Sending you so much love and hugs, exx
Jennie and David
I can’t find the words to console you both or to help but what I can say there is a huge community that have been following you and your sweet family over the last 11 months (and before) that want to help you through this. Keep blogging it helps you to express those feelings and hopefully in time ease that awful pain. Matilda Mae will live forever in your heart and must never be forgotten. Every time I look the stars I always think you Matilda Mae and you and your sweet sweet family. All my love to you xxx
Oh Jennie. I really wish there was something to make it better and to take away the pain. We all know there is not but I will offer you all I can. My friendship, to know I am thinking of you and there to hold your hand if ever you need. I know nobody can understand, I know nobody wants to understand for what you have been through is too terrible but even though we haven’t stood in your shoes we are prepared to stand next to them in ours whenever you need us to. This is such a difficult time of year for you with the forced look to the future and happy new years being spoken everywhere but it’s just another date. Another horrid date without Tilda but just a date. Embrace your family and hold yourselves close to each other, I don’t know what else to say. Lots of live to you always.xxxx
I know going into 2014 will be desperately hard for you. No-one can know exactly how you are feeling, no-one at all.
But know this Jennie, Matilda may not be with you physically in 2014 but she will always be with you. Always. In your heart and soul and everything you do. She is part of you. Always has been and always will be. She will also always be remembered by the people that matter.
Sending you love and strength xx
I wish that we could all give you what you want, I wish that time could be turned back, I wish that horrific things didn’t happen to good people. I wish that I knew the right words, I wish that time was a healer. I wish that people weren’t afraid to speak her name. xx
As always jennie, you know I am thinking of you and your family. There are no words that can help or heal, but there are so many people sending you their thoughts and love at every hard step you take xxx
So sorry Jennie. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult the end of the year must be. I can only hope that in 2014 there can be moments of happiness despite all you’ve been and are continuing to battle through. You and your famlily are in my thoughts every day xx
Thinking of you and your family x
lifting you up in prayer and thoughts. x
I’m so sorry Jennie, I’m so very, very, very sorry. x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
I wish with all my heart that I had words that would bring you comfort. I am so sorry. I truly hope that 2014 can bring some moments of peace for you xx
With all of my heart I wish I had the words. However nothing I say can take this pain away, as much as I want to x
Always thinking of you all and always here
Hugs to you and your family.. I think of you so often. I know it’s no consolation but Baby Tilda will always be remembered by more people than you know, all thanks to you. You are an amazing mum and deserve some happiness, I’m not sure how but I hope 2014 will bring you some xx
Just heartbreaking, no words to help just that we think of you and beautiful Tilda so much when you are not here.
You are right Jennie, I have absolutely no idea and it makes no sense at all. I’m so very sorry for what you have had to go through and pray for you all. May God be with you. Mich x
Wishing you all well in the new year and I hope it brings you some new happiness. I cannot imagine the pain and heart ache you are going through, but she will always be with you in spirit xx
I think of you & Tilda often, when there are floating bubble, purple stars or pink skies. So many hugs & I hope you can find a little bit of peace in the New Year & take some comfort in the good you are doing always to raise awareness and helping make babies safe. I know I can’t understand what you are going through but I hope you are finding some comfort being near her at Coombe Mill x
Thinking of you all so much, praying for you guys and sending love and strength. Matilda is always with you, always lots of love xxx
I cannot say anything better than has ready been said. And I cannot know what it is like for you without your baby girl. All I can do is let you know that I am here for you always xxxxx
Thinking of you all and gorgeous Matilda and sending love. xx
Jennie I wish with all of me I could help your pain, somehow fix things but I feel utterly inadequate saying I can’t help you, i can’t fix the pain, i can’t make it right. But please please know I am here, i care, and I’ll listen even though I don’t fully understand the things you feel. I really truly am sorry. XxxxxxxxX
As I wipe away my tears all I can do is send you a HUUUGGGEEE virtual hug, I know there is nothing I can do or say that will mean anything to you, nothing I can do or say that will help, nothing I can do or say that matters.
But me and thousands of others do care, are thinking of you, and wishing you some glimmer of a smile in 2014.
Again no consolation and I wish I could turn back time, but Tilda will go down in history as are you, maybe just maybe your story will help somebody else one day to start to deal with their grief, grief that should not happen but it is a cruel and unfair world we are in.
So so so sorry. xxxx