End of a Year

There are only 4 sleeps left in 2013

2013

The absolute worst year of my life

Learning to live after the death of a baby

Learning to live after the death of our baby

My baby

Our beautiful daughter Matilda Mae

Snatched suddenly and unexpectedly

From the heart of our family

Aged exactly 9 months

2nd February 2013

The day my world broke

Beyond all repair

The day that will forever mark

Life before Baby Tilda

And existence after

We are existing without Matilda Mae

I am not sure many people would feel able to call our last 11 months living

2013 has been awful

Truly horrible

Our baby died

Our world turned on end

Friends and family divide

Those that do understand

Those that do not

Those who are there for you no matter what

Those most definitely not

Those who are able to speak her name

Those who it seems cannot

I read back through the posts

From the earliest days

And I cannot believe that I wrote them

I cannot believe that is me

My life

It is like reading a horror story

A sad heartbreaking story

That happened to somebody else

It has been almost 11 months

And I still cannot believe Baby Tilda is gone

11 months on

I am still struggling to be without my baby

And now the year is ending

And it is something I cannot bear

Because next year, 2014

Is a year Tilda will not have been there

No Baby Tilda

Nothing at all

Dead and left behind

Left in 2013

I am not sure I want to live in a year without Tilda

I am not really certain I can

I am not sure I can stand the pain

Of the end of the year

The countdown to Tilda’s anniversary

Reliving our last days together

Reliving our first days apart

Finding her dead

Not being able to save her

Telling the world she was gone

Trying to carry on for Esther and William

Planning a funeral

Burning her body

Saying goodbye

No mother should have to do what I’ve done

No family should live through what we have lived

The pain is too great

The sadness too deep

And everything is changed for always

And only a handful of people in the world understand

That time is not a healer

Time takes her further away

Though we smile and laugh and play

We are not anywhere near to okay

We are angry and desperate and so very sad

We spare you the pain that you glimpse in our eyes

That pain is ours and will be with us til we die

Every step in this life without Tilda

Is walked barefoot on shards of glass

And though this has been a devastating year

I am terrified of it reaching it’s end

I am so scared of the end of the year

And waking up in a year that Tilda cannot see

And knowing that only a handful of people

Have any idea how I feel

This is going to be a lonely lonely

End of a year

22 thoughts on “End of a Year

  1. Darling Jennie, you are right I cannot understand what you are going through and what I imagine is only a tiny bit of what it is actually like for you and your family. All I can do is let you know how sorry I am and how much I think of you. Sending you so much love and hugs, exx

  2. Jennie and David
    I can’t find the words to console you both or to help but what I can say there is a huge community that have been following you and your sweet family over the last 11 months (and before) that want to help you through this. Keep blogging it helps you to express those feelings and hopefully in time ease that awful pain. Matilda Mae will live forever in your heart and must never be forgotten. Every time I look the stars I always think you Matilda Mae and you and your sweet sweet family. All my love to you xxx

  3. Oh Jennie. I really wish there was something to make it better and to take away the pain. We all know there is not but I will offer you all I can. My friendship, to know I am thinking of you and there to hold your hand if ever you need. I know nobody can understand, I know nobody wants to understand for what you have been through is too terrible but even though we haven’t stood in your shoes we are prepared to stand next to them in ours whenever you need us to. This is such a difficult time of year for you with the forced look to the future and happy new years being spoken everywhere but it’s just another date. Another horrid date without Tilda but just a date. Embrace your family and hold yourselves close to each other, I don’t know what else to say. Lots of live to you always.xxxx

  4. I know going into 2014 will be desperately hard for you. No-one can know exactly how you are feeling, no-one at all.
    But know this Jennie, Matilda may not be with you physically in 2014 but she will always be with you. Always. In your heart and soul and everything you do. She is part of you. Always has been and always will be. She will also always be remembered by the people that matter.
    Sending you love and strength xx

  5. I wish that we could all give you what you want, I wish that time could be turned back, I wish that horrific things didn’t happen to good people. I wish that I knew the right words, I wish that time was a healer. I wish that people weren’t afraid to speak her name. xx

  6. As always jennie, you know I am thinking of you and your family. There are no words that can help or heal, but there are so many people sending you their thoughts and love at every hard step you take xxx

  7. So sorry Jennie. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult the end of the year must be. I can only hope that in 2014 there can be moments of happiness despite all you’ve been and are continuing to battle through. You and your famlily are in my thoughts every day xx

  8. Hugs to you and your family.. I think of you so often. I know it’s no consolation but Baby Tilda will always be remembered by more people than you know, all thanks to you. You are an amazing mum and deserve some happiness, I’m not sure how but I hope 2014 will bring you some xx

  9. I think of you & Tilda often, when there are floating bubble, purple stars or pink skies. So many hugs & I hope you can find a little bit of peace in the New Year & take some comfort in the good you are doing always to raise awareness and helping make babies safe. I know I can’t understand what you are going through but I hope you are finding some comfort being near her at Coombe Mill x

  10. Jennie I wish with all of me I could help your pain, somehow fix things but I feel utterly inadequate saying I can’t help you, i can’t fix the pain, i can’t make it right. But please please know I am here, i care, and I’ll listen even though I don’t fully understand the things you feel. I really truly am sorry. XxxxxxxxX

  11. As I wipe away my tears all I can do is send you a HUUUGGGEEE virtual hug, I know there is nothing I can do or say that will mean anything to you, nothing I can do or say that will help, nothing I can do or say that matters.
    But me and thousands of others do care, are thinking of you, and wishing you some glimmer of a smile in 2014.
    Again no consolation and I wish I could turn back time, but Tilda will go down in history as are you, maybe just maybe your story will help somebody else one day to start to deal with their grief, grief that should not happen but it is a cruel and unfair world we are in.
    So so so sorry. xxxx

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