Becoming a parent of premature twins makes you

Panic
When a baby is born 13 weeks too soon, everything is thrown into turmoil. How will I know what to do? And the panic begins before they are born, as soon as you know they are coming, with no antenatal classes, planning or preparation, how will I know what to do?

Petrified
The fear is electric. My babies are coming. They will not have a third trimester. How are they going to survive? Will my babies live or die? The fear courses through your veins, it chills you, it burns you, paralyzes you with one breath and ignites you with the next.

Powerless
The little lives I should be nurturing inside are suddenly out of my reach and out of my control. Locked inside their plastic box with doctors and nurses giving the primary care that they need. Keeping them alive.

Protective
From the moment they are born you will do anything to help your babies survive. And that never goes away. Prematurity does not go away. Esther and William will always be a little more susceptible to illness, smaller than others their age, tire more easily than most of their peers. There will always be that extra level of worry. As if parenting a full term baby is not worrying enough!

Passionate
My love for my children shines through everything I do. My passion for the issues that prematurity brings is also evident I hope in all that I do. Through passion comes promotion and campaigning for the things that you believe could make a difference for not only your own children, but all of those born too soon.

Patient
You wait and you wait with premature twins.
You wait for them to be allowed out of their incubator for that first precious cuddle and kiss.
You wait for them to make it through each day. Each long and lonely night.
You wait for their chances of survival to increase.
You wait for them to come off CPAP, off oxygen
You wait for them to be allowed to come home
You wait for the winter to pass before venturing out and about where people are
You wait for their due date to arrive, the day they should have been born
You wait for the day that you wake up and they do not, thankfully it did not come
You wait for the day a test will show some long lasting developmental delay
You wait until they are big enough to fit into newborn clothes
You wait for the day that they start to smile
You wait for the roll, the crawl, the walk
You patiently wait for every milestone delayed
You wait for test results
You wait for people to understand that prematurity does not go away
You wait for answers to questions about school
You wait to see how their future will be different because you could not carry them to term

Possessive
As a new mummy I was not keen on letting people touch Esther and William. Infection was a real fear but also I had waited so long for cuddles of my own I was not really ready to share. I did not let Esther and William out of my sight for more than an hour or so for their first 15 months. They were mine, I had let them down in pregnancy and I was determined that I would not let them down again. I still am.

Pitied
People don’t really know what to say. There is no celebration with a preterm birth. There are no early visits with presents and cards. No one really knows what to do. Particularly when mummy has been ill in the way that I had, we were all three of us lucky to be alive. People pity you and are glad not to be you. People do not understand what prematurity means for babies and family and friends.

Pulled apart
Caring for two babies at exactly the same time is really hard work. Esther and William were so tiny that they fed constantly, they both needed me constantly and I felt completely split in two. Trying to be a mother, a wife and just a person also pulled me apart at the seams. I was always a little unsure of where I should be and what I should do. At one time in hospital William was in SCBU and Esther still in NICU and it was horrible having to decide how best to divide my time. It is still something that weighs heavily on my mind making sure they both get enough of me and get what they need.

Paediatrics Proficient
I am not of course a medical expert, not at all, but after 59 days in Neonatal intensive and special care you learn to interpret what the numbers mean. You can read a baby’s body and know when something is not right. The beeps stay with you forever, the images of wires and lines. I think I could talk you through many of the procedures that Esther and William underwent during their earliest days.

Public Property
When you are a mummy with twins everyone stops you to say hello and pass comment on the contents of your pram. Esther and William were tiny babies for so so long that they generated a lot of interest when we were out and about. Everyone wanted to know their story. People always asked if they were identical and genuinely did not realise that boys and girls cannot be so!

I also, of course, chose to share our story publicly in the hope that it might help other parents like me, dealing with preterm labour and birth and parenting premature twins.

Practiced
With premmie twins you have a routine for everything. It is the only way to get through a day. Military precision with drugs routines and nappy changes, tummy time and rest and play. You become accomplished at feeding babies in so many different positions that at first you think you will never get to grips with and after 12 months of demand feeding you realise that you can literally do it all in your sleep. You have a practiced way for getting out of the house and into the car and you pack enough for a week away each time you venture out of the door!

Paranoid
Germs are everywhere. Infections rife among babies and small people. We had signs on our front door, I considered a polite notice on my pram, saying ‘keep your filthy hands off my baby’. We did not attend classes and for photo shoots we provided our own blankets and props. People had to change their clothes to visit our house in the first few months we were home. We did not go to parties, gatherings or any crowded places. We had more antibacterial gel than the hospital ward we had left to come home. But out paranoia was a blessing, Esther and William did not ever get sick and have not yet been readmitted to a ward. They will be three and a half in January 2014.

Pooped
Parenting premature twins can be a lonely and bone achingly exhausting job. You need a good support network around you that allows you to embrace the times when you are really struggling to function.

Because ultimately all of this is worth it.

I have two beautiful premature children who have grown into tiny little toddlers full of energy and health, curiosity and creativity. I am lucky to have them, I know. I am lucky to have them alive.

Becoming a parent of premature twins makes you

Proud
Every parent is proud of what their child can do but when it is something you thought you might never see the pride is that much more intense. Our babies are medical miracles to be alive today. Every single thing they achieve would not have been possible as little as 20 years ago. Pride gets you through the darkest days when you see what your miracles can do and the potential for what they may yet achieve.